Irony of Living
by Sevvy Snape
Summary: Severus Snape in schooling years. Story based on role plays.
1. Accusations of the Soul

**Disclaimer**

_This is in my site too, can't think of anything new._

_No I do not own Severus Snape or Lucius Malfoy (still trying to think why I'd want to own him) or Hogwarts or any of J.K Rowling's material_

_I'm simply playing in her backyard_

**Chapter 1 Accusations of the Soul**

He accused my eyes. 

He accused my being

He accused my soul

Because it was everything he was

I was an imprint of him.

All my troubles lie on a base

A base of horrid family history

To horrid to speak of to another

To describe

To let someone know something so personal

Make myself vulnerable

He would have never done that

He

My father

He who gave me life

Or so I'm told

He who gave me the black eyes that watched him murder my mother

The same person that gave me life

Him

He killed her

She who gave me life

She who brushed the hair she gave me

She who played the piano 

She who loved life

She who loved him more than life

She who was murdered by him

My Mother who was murdered by my Father

That's how I learnt to hate

How to be cruel

Inhumane

How to shut down emotions

How to hide away from people

Keep the barrier of cold-ness and pride unbreakable

But she broke it

It took awhile to break, I must say, and I only knew her face

Glanced her in the hallways

Morganna Montaque

I had built a good solid barrier of pride, and Mon Dieu she broke the god damn thing

She seemed so simple to me, 

No baggage

No sordid family history

Just normal

And if that was how I saw things then

How very wrong I was

I suppose you want this story in detail

You are probably still trying to work out what I said before

Should I explain?

I shall


	2. 10 Year Struggle

****

**Disclaimer- _Go back to Chapter 1 and READ IT_**

**Chapter 2-  Struggling, just stop**

My name is Severus Snape

Snape the name my father left for me to carry on. To carry on his distorted view that the name Snape held power. All it gave to me was weakness- that I've carried on.

I don't ever view myself as part of the Snape family. Yes we share the last name. But I'd rather watch my own blood rush away from me than acknowledge that is what I share with the Snapes. 

The Snapes

Although I have spent many sleepless nights musing on this subject, at some point in time no matter how much I don't like it or myself I've accepted I'm Severus Snape.  

Supposedly the only son of Lord Edward Snape and Lady Angele Snape.

How this title came to my father is unknown to me. My tutor guarded me from any knowledge of my parent's past lives as I grew older. 

Finding out things on one's own is always painful.

My tutor never anticipated my height would assist me in reaching records and family trees in libraries and never questioned the time I spent in said library.

The family tree was located in a large book to the left of my father's  financial records, the cover showing a painting, easily recognised as "The Last of Summer"

On the right of the family tree my mother's handwriting was shown and relations penned in. I am aware of 4 grandparents, 5 aunties, 6 uncles, and 19 cousins.

Then in the middle was my name.

Severus Snape

1970

Right next to Bella's name. 

Bella was my sister, well was to be my sister.

In 73' my mother gave birth to a baby girl, a stillborn. Bella.

Over run with grief and denial my mother penned the event into the family tree. My father let her, as I can recall as hazy as it all is, with a cruel smile on his face.

I believe he never wanted a second child, well a girl at the very least. 

I didn't want a sister.

So I suppose I've always been bit like my father.

I was Edwards only son, but Angeles second.

Bella would have been her third child

 This was unknown to my father and I.

People in the village, which my father had great influence over (this village was located at the foot of the hill the Snape manor sat upon) were notorious for their gossip and knew a whisper of another son.

The name of the village escapes me these days. I sold Snape manor shortly after I left Hogwarts and put the profit to doing up the mansion, another estate I came to own through my father, in Richmond. I can barely remember the beaches of Brighton, or the halls of the manor, let alone the name of the village

I knew my mother was married before she fell victim to love. Love for my father. And what a victim she turned out to be. She was married then to an English gentleman Lordon. Not such an influential man as my father was but an honest hard working man (or so I'm told)

The story seems to go, from what I've gathered from my aunt Suzanne, Angele's kid sister who looked up to my mother like a botticelli Angel, that Charles Lordon stole Angele Russier away from France and married her while they were hidden away in Tielt, Belgium.

On Charles's return to England the Russiers caught up with him and demanded the marriage be annulled. Unfortunately it was 2 months too late as of the 6th august 1966.

And 7 months later they had a son. His name was Jacques. Yes, my half brother Jacques. My mother was a young French beauty of only 19 years. The village labelled her a gypsy. People said she had a wild fire burning in her eyes and it was the Lordon fellow that brought her into England, like a plague. The Lordon fellow died early 69'and my father took very sudden interest in Angele. I am surprised he did not notice a baby in their courtship, if indeed there was any courtship.

 Jacques is not much older than I…. 

Only 3 years and 3 months to be exact.

Jacques was sent to my Grandmother Lidia in France and he lived there in the in La Rochelle until he went to Beauxbatons. The Lordons requested in 79 that Jacques transfer to Hogwarts and complete his education there as they wished for him to live in England.

Of course they made attempts at contacting my mother to confirm these arrangements with her. Rumours sprouted, and Jacques transferred to Hogwarts without Angele's consent

My father heard these rumours, and waited patiently for an explanation.

 He never got one.

 He was outraged.

 She did not tell him, she hide it so well... 

So seeing as there was no explanation for him, he based all his accusations on rumours, vicious rumours.

For days and days I watched my father's anger build up. He let it out in little fits, blaming things on who he could; leaving my room was a risk in itself.

My mother withdrew and eventually so did her sanity

And one night, one cold night made for sitting by the fire Father stormed in and snatched my mother from the piano. I sitting in the corner, after intently listening to her playing, watched him do so.

I'd been sitting there stiffly for an hour or so listening to Valse Brilliante and welcomed an interruption but none so violent.

He yelled so loud it was hard to make out what he was saying, He was yelling in English and my mother was pleading in French. Pleading forgiveness from the man she loved completely. He hated when she spoke to him in French.

I watched

I watched in complete horror

She struggled

Called my name

Screamed for me to leave

But my father never understood her words

He never understood her

That is why he hated me so

He strangled her until she could bear no more

And then she stopped struggling

Stopped struggling

Stopped struggling to love a man she that did not love her in return

Struggling to conceal the secret of her other child

Struggling to spare her dear son having to watch her die

Struggling

She stopped

She stopped struggling

It had been a 10 year struggle with Edward that she lost.

The French pleading died away and left only the roarings of English

And when she had stopped he could get no answers to his questions

She did not answer

This drove him to strike the final blow

Against the very wall

Opposite where I sat

Where I sat

Watching my creator kill my other

And after the thud, she lived no more

Sometimes I wonder if he had planned to kill her

Crime of passion perhaps… but not a planned murder

He was grief stricken afterwards.. how ironic

Until he noticed me

He noticed me

The little boy in corner

I was only 9

But I knew far more than I ever let him know

He noticed me

Staring with his black eyes right back at him

From beneath my long black hair

With a questioning

That required an answer

He raised a hand

"Severus- boy"

I got up

Staring with a new expression

One I had never formed

A cold mask

Of no emotion

I left the room

After taking the last glance in the mirror at what I might one day become. 

My father

The muggle community found out before the Ministry.

This incident had nothing to do with magic

So it wasn't really their concern

My father was hung.

That influential man

The one who decided who would be hung

… Was killed 

By the method of punishment he favoured

…Was killed

My mother's body was taken to Richmond and buried in one of her gardens in the world while my Grandparents on my father's side made arrangements for a burial somewhere in Birmingham.

My mother's side of the family were outraged that Angele was buried in Richmond after what England and an Englishman did to her. And I can only vaguely remember the tug of war that sprang up over me. Where I was to live, where I was to be schooled, whether I was still to be Severus Snape or Severus Russier and the list went on.

Eventually agreed that no grieving child, although that was never the true description of me, should have to be put through the legalities involved in all decisions both families allowed for my tutor to become my Legal Guardian until such time I was old enough to understand.

And everything was left to me

The manor, the title, the land, the estates, the Snape fortune.

None of which interested a 9 year old

None of which a 9 year old could manage


	3. The Wonderful Hole of Learning and Spiri...

**The Wonderful Hole of Learning and Spiritual Upliftment- Hogwarts**

Yes time dragged on, and I wondered if I was going to spend the rest of my life like this

I had a very sad mental picture in my head of a 40 year old being beaten about the place by an 80 year old with a cane just because he got a note wrong while playing the Piano

My tutor was strict

He taught me many of the languages spoken in Europe- French, Spanish (although not so European) and German among others.

I purposely forgot most of the French taught to me. But to Wesley my tutor it was particularly important to be cultured.

'All the respectable wizards are.'

He taught me the piano,-sitting beside me, straight backed, cane in hand, ready to hit my hand if I played a single note wrong.. (You should have seen my hands on day when I was in a particularly naughty mood)

And he taught me magic

Charms

Duelling

Potions until it drove me nuts and I started hanging from the ceiling

Hexes

Curses…

The unforgivable curses

In 2 words, -

Dark Arts

Forgive me if I sounded over dramatic , its just something Lucius would say

Oh Malfoy and the Dark arts

So my life went on, devoted to learning

Feelings were stupid

 I was commanded to get rid of them

And I did

Not saying I wasn't human or anything

I still felt something

Usually anger when that little Malfoy prat (or so I saw him) ,that dearest father made me play with when I was little, was around

Unfortunately I never really was able to harness that anger and the little prick copped my temper all the way through school and well after it.

After my father died Lucius Malfoy and I had developed a friendship

A strong bond

And sometimes we hated each other

And it made our friendship stronger

We had huge egos, 

Well my ego tenfold was Lucius- on a good day

And we close because of it

And we often fought because of it

Let's just say we both didn't like to be wrong

……………. Or say sorry……………

I don't know why we were such good friends for so long, after all the things I did to him and after the unforgivable thing he did to me. I saw something in him but just like he didn't others he killed the real Lucius before he could voice his opinion. 

Background really influenced what Lucius did, he was power hungry, the vision of power corrupted his mind. Many years on after reading the book Mien Kampf, authored by Adolf Hitler I could see the similarities between the two, why Lucius did it just like Hitler did it.

I turned eleven in 81' and then my tutor had decided I wasn't to get any further with tutoring

And that when three letters arrived 

Of acceptance

To the three biggest wizarding academies in Europe

Durmstrang (oh come on as if), Beauxbatons, (My mother went there and look how she turned out… had she not married my father I bet my entire inheritance she would have  been running a brothel..  truly) And Hogwarts..

Lucius was going there, Aeolus De Salis brother had graduated from there, his sister was in 3rd and he was just starting. 

And my father went there.

Slytherin. Slytherin prefect. Sole hater of Quidditch…. Oh how he would have beaten me if he were around to see my play Quidditch (this would be after I'd fallen off my broom a numbers of times- being somewhere close to 50.. then just to rub salt into the wounds he'd beat.. I'm sure of it)

So I ended up in that hole (it could have been worse.. durmstrang for example. That Karkaroff git went there)

On arrival I was sorted into the "Evil" house

Rather fitting house for me to be put in

Slytherin

 Lucius and Aeolus, my "friends" were sorted into the Evil house too

Lucius, Aeolus and I were close form the start, and then other people came into the picture, Evan Rosier to name one.

 Slytherin Prefect at the time was George Blakeney. Managed to scare the living hell out of us first years on the first night…I hate moving stairs... hate them

I finished the day with some friends and some enemies

On the train trip to this wonderful hole of learning, the compartment next to us contained Lily Evans, Kerry someone(I never bothered to find out but I heard a rumour once Sirius Black was going out with her, or they were marrying.. not that I care much) And other various noisy girls.

Head ache Ville

Upon disembarking the train there was a rather large accident involving a few trunks, inclusive of mine (I believe the simile here would be like a muggle car accident)

A prat (for life) James Potter and his little sidekick Sirius Black were the cause.

James Potter's monkey Black was running ahead of Lily Evans and walking backwards to face her just as the members of my compartment were leaving. Of course there was a little accident and this scrawny looking boy James Potter appeared behind Lily Evans.

Lucius stood behind me muttering mudblood in a way that would suggest he'd just seen a slug

"I know who you are…. Watch where you are going grease ball"

"Do you just? And for your information it was little imbecile here in the wrong

"Me?! James it was his fault"

"I know Sirius. Just watch where you are going, Snape"

I had a nasty habit of drawing my wand when angry

"Severus don't"

"Going to blast me off the train?"

"James shut up….. Severus was it? Put away your wand"

I will always remember Lily's peace making talents

Anyway from that moment on i hated everything and everyone, which had anything to do with James (With a few exceptions)

However I became friends with Lily Evans

Rumour circulated that I was "going out" with Miss Evans 

Also that I had a crush on her

They were of course false

I removed myself of all want to socialise with girls 

But I failed to keep things that way

6th and 7th year were the most turbulent for relationships.

Especially 7th

Especially with all of us living in Lucius and Narcissa's shadow

But I did to keep from falling in love with Evans

The Gryffindor

The muggle

The enemy

The friend

And it wasn't that hard

But she was a pretty girl

Was

With red hair and green eyes

A desire of many

Even some Slytherins

Green was of course our favourite colour after all

The years went by with some good times and a hell of a lot of bad times

I joined quidditch in 4th year despite the fact I sucked

……… I got better!............

And for those who think differently

…. My flying skills are fine thank you….

By 5th year mutterings of another dark wizard could be heard every so often in our common room

There had been so many other the years

That failed with only one victim

Themselves

This Voldemort man was _ridiculous _


	4. -Signed Severus Snape Who is Sick of His...

**Authors Note: **

_The last 3 chapters are the musings of the 32 year old potions master Severus Snape._

_This however starts the story off and we go back to Severus in 1983 when he was a 3rd year and these are his journal entries._

_The timeline is 10 years further than in the book. As Severus was born in 1960 and the Harry potter series started in 1991. It just fits better with our role playing timeline. Do keep in mind this is based on a series of roleplays that have been running since November 2001. I suck I know it don't bother telling me that._

**Chapter 4 –Severus Snape who is sick of his life**

September 1983

I can't be bothered finding out the date.

I only just found this so excuse me for not updating in a while. 

Got back to Hogwarts a week ago, I was hoping I mightn't have to go back to this god forsaken hole, But here I am with absolutely no quills very little ink and a huge stack of parchment. Can you see the irony there? So much parchment and absolutely nothing to write with. I'm hoping to god I don't lose this quill, or break it… I have to learn not to put my thrilling trips to Diagon Ally off in future. I should have made the house elves get some when my tutor sent them off for my school books.

God I hate that place. No I hate shopping full stop. I feel like a five head bloody fish out of water in places like those.

On a different but slightly related matter I've noticed my wardrobe has been getting interesting lately. I only realised when un-packing that the majority of the clothing and robes I own are black (I'm not referring to my black school robes though)

Not that I'm terribly interested in the colour of robes, I leave that up to Lucius.

Oh and speaking of the devil incarnate himself it seems he is hell bent on making this year miserable for me. He is still pursuing that Narcissa girl, and over the last week I've been his messenger Monkey... Why can't he tell her himself.

A girl who transferred from that French place... Christ I've forgotten its name... Ah yes Beauxbatons... Has joined the Slytherins this year. I met her on the first night, only briefly but I must admit she is a very beautiful girl. But out of the question, she is a 2nd year. I've seen her around; Lucius says I stare at her like a love sick dog. I think that boy is full crap if nothing else. He thinks she is a veela and has warned me away from Morganna claiming their "kind" use veela charms to walk all over men. Hello she is 12 for crying out loud.

He talks about her as if she isn't a bloody human.

Oh yes, and that's her name Morganna Montaque, or Anna as some other people call her.

I'm somewhere close to killing Lucius; he had managed to piss me off so severely, so early in the year. Can 13 year olds go to Azkaban?

I think I've gone back to a different school. The topic for most of all the conversations held in the Slytherin common room is dark arts. What have these people been drinking?

I don't recall it being this way last year. Not much else has been happening- The story of my life huh?

-Severus Snape

11:17pm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 10th  1983

It has been 4 years since my mother died. The weather and place are different but the feeling is very much the same. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 13th 1983

Don't be expecting me to be writing often; I don't have the time anymore.

3rds year were paired with the 2nd years to help with study, its was only for a week so there you go. I'll give you three guesses as to who I got paired up with. Give up? I was paired with the French girl Morganna. And no I'm not saying that is bad thing. It gave me a chance to talk to her at least. Come on I'd look like an idiot if I just sauntered up to her while she was with her friends and struck up a conversation. I'm not that moronic. If I did then there would be the whole "Snape has a crush on the French girl" thing going around. It happened when I first established a friendship with Lily. Speaking of Lily I was talking to her a few days ago. She seems to have made friends with the French girl. I need to find out more about this girl. I do know she is rather nice, and I have confirmed she is veela, but not man eating... as Lucius said. The dormitory is getting really messy, I can't goddamn stand mess, well other peoples mess. I found Aeolus's dirty laundry in my trunk yesterday. I wonder if these people aren't really dung beetles in disguise or something, less than 2 weeks and our dorm is covered in dirty laundry, papers and other assorted rubbish

Divination tomorrow. Yuck...  Charms is alright this year, they are actually teaching us something and we are doing some duelling. They have a new teacher this year, Professor Flitfly or something... no Flitwick... little runty man.

Am pleased to report I am no longer Messenger monkey.

Go the power of Verbal abuse!

-Severus Snape 

4:20pm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 15th 1983

Can't sleep but I don't have much to write about. I've been talking to Morganna more often. And I've avoided the whole "Snape has a crush on the French girl" thing... well at least to my knowledge I have.

I don't think I'm Severus anymore. I've become someone else, or have I just changed… Or... and here is the ultimate question, Was I ever really Severus?

Bloody prat James Potter has been hanging around lately, I think he is up to something.

He is such a prat, I can't stand the sight of the bloody boy, he doesn't lift a damn finger yet he gets what he wants, rats in the sewerage work harder than he does. Potter just spends his time with his sidekick ape Black pranking everything that moves. I'd really like to see them expelled one day. I seriously hope Lily doesn't read this. I'm rather fond of my hair length; I don't need more threats from her to cut it off.

Severus Snape- Who wishes he didn't have divinity

1:34am

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September 27th 1983

I haven't written in a while I know. Forgive me Forgive me.

Lily confessed yesterday that she had a crush on someone. I knew something was going on, she was never really concerned with what other people thought of her but lately she has been pretty self conscious. Lucius has been harassing me for talking to Lily, oh and he has been criticising my hair... how can he criticise how I look? They say God made man in his image. It'd be a pretty sad outlook for Christians all over the globe if god looked remotely like Lucius. Something is going on I know it, Lucius never had a problem with my talking to Lily before, he just had a problem, A mental one.

Things have been pretty slow and quiet. 

I haven't seen much of Morganna but we are all pretty much busy with school work

Severus Snape- Who is becoming an insomniac

4:52 am

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October 2nd 1983

I am going to have complete rant

Lucius is being a prat and showing off to everyone now that Narcissa has shown slight interest in him. I wish he would open his bloody eyes and realise NOBODY GIVES A FLYING…..

No swearing Severus.

I've been swearing a lot this year. I never ever swore before I came to Hogwarts. Which brings me back to the whole "I've changed" thing.

I am not a Severus Snape... I don't know what I am. Cold bastard comes to mind a lot.

I have caught up with Morganna however. It's good to talk to her. She understands. I complain too much though I fear. Oh well who cares, I don't. Bloody Potter has been around pranking. 5 Slytherin seniors had their drinks spiked by some disgusting substance. I suspect it was supposed to be a potion of some sort. The seniors didn't change, they just got sick. A failed potion obviously. God I hate them. Full moon yesterday, that Lupin character disappeared again, not like I care much. I am so sick of divination, one night I'm going up into that bloody tower and I'm going to smash every tea cup I can find. 

Go the smashing of china!

-Severus Snape the tea cup murderer

6:20pm

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October 19th 1983

I lost this book again. What have I got to update? Nothing much has happened. I still hate divination but I'm on better terms with Lucius now. He does have some intelligence. He just doesn't use it often. I had to sleep in the Common Room last night.  Bloody Evan Rosier snoring again and our dorm has become one huge rubbish tip. I reckon other people are dumping their stuff in our dorm... because I don't think 4 people alone could generate that sort of mess. Dung beetle heaven. My hair was attacked this morning, some one cast a spell on it and it went red. It took me about half and hour to find a counter curse, I was NOT going to class with red hair. Can't these people think of anything original, the hair prank is old. You'd think people would learn but I think I'm going to have to put a sign on my forehead that reads "Mess with the hair and die"... or that might be a temptation for The Potter Morons to do something.

I hate hate hate potions with the gryffindors; I'm going to kill the potions master if he pairs me with another incompetent Gryffindor. I've been feeling more murderous than usual is that normal? I can't find anything else to complain about. I'm off to take a painkiller and pray to go the rubbish doesn't drown me after I go to bed

- Severus Snape who wishes it were Saturday

10:30pm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

October 27th 1983

Potion assements yesterday, I've never seen so many burns in my whole entire life.

They have decided to hold a Halloween ball this year. Lucius has been fussing over asking Narcissa. I think I'll just sulk and do some essays I don't desire to make a prat of myself by asking out some giggly girl then getting all dressed up to spend the night watching the seniors get sloshed on butter beer. Who would I take anyway? Aeolus doesn't plan on going. We can sulk in the library and try and get some books out of the restricted area. 

Oh the thrill of stealing books

I'm too sarcastic for my own good

Damn you Severus Snape damn you!

 P.s: The food in this place is getting worse every year

-Severus Snape

1:30pm

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November 3rd 1983

Blog

I feel like ranting- no sleeping

In fact I feel nothing

I ended up attending the ball with Scarlet North-Romatti, one of Narcissa's mindless little friends. She talks too much, pretty face.. But talks too much. I was considering drowning myself in someone's drink but lets be realistic, I had to stay and listen to this girl go on and on and on and on and on and on and on. I was wondering where Morganna was. I found a stash of quills. Yay for me. Lucius spilt a bottle of ink on our floor. Can't wait for dorm inspections. We'll be in detention for the rest of our natural lives. Why do these things happen to me?

Colour of the day: Silver

Idiot of the Day: Frank Longbottom

Evil letter: b

I feel light headed, and I need to study. I think something was put in my drink.

-Severus Snape the evil Elephant

50:34fm??

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November 11th 1983

I hate the number 11. Just to clear this up I am not an evil elephant, some drink spiking had been going on that day. Narcissa and her friends have been hanging around our "group" as Lucius calls it. Most of the girls are nice. I was talking to one of the girls for a long time last night. Akira... damn I've forgotten her last name. No matter, I think I scared her anyway, but she was nice. 

I'm so confused, who the hell am I?! I am a bloody shell that everyone calls Severus Snape, Oh that reminds me, everyone has taken to calling me Sevvy. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE. No shortening of my name please people.

I have taken to being particularly nasty to Gryffindors especially 1st years. What can I say, I'm a bastard.

-Severus Snape who has finally snapped

5:45pm

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December 25th  1983

If I ever met my father I would smack him all around Europe . How dare he do this. How dare he bring me into this world and just leave me with this life. How dare he kill her when she did all he asked. I am never going to have children. I mean how could a screw up raise a child to be anything else but a screw up?

What is the point in making journal entries anymore? Nobody cares and even if they did    I wouldn't want them to read any of this.

-Severus Snape who is sick of his life

1:30am


	5. It Can Wait and Live in the Journal

Dis-bloody-claimer: Do I need to write this again? I do not own Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy (thank god) Lily Evans etc they belong to J.k Rowling I am simply playing in her backyard (anyone sick of hearing this?)  
  
3 years on. 1987  
  
Chapter 5- It Can Wait and Live in the Journal  
  
"Severus! Wake up you lazy Sod" Severus Snape rolled over and pulled his bed sheets over his head.  
  
/Just 5 minutes more, just let me get away with 5 minutes more.../  
  
"For god sake you sodding idle slug get up" Lucius Malfoy rolled his friend, Severus, out of bed, where he just curled up and continued sleeping.  
  
/5 minutes../  
  
"Hope-less completely hopeless" Lucius looked to the heap of sleeping Severus. This was a very much a role reversal for Lucius. He didn't see why Severus was so tired. "Severus- Please gets up" Severus Snape rose from the pile of bed sheets, in his bed clothes, looking something close to the living dead.  
  
/Why couldn't I have had.. 5 minutes more./  
  
His black hair was tangled and tousled, his eyes droopy and lazy. "Why I am being harassed out of bed at..." Severus glanced at the clock on their dormitory wall "7:30! You let me oversleep!" 7:30 was 2 hours too late for Severus Snape, 3 hours even, and 5 minutes more would have made it 3 hours and 5 minutes late. Lucius rolled his eyes. "I can't win can I Snape?" "Well I have to blame someone. Nice to see you are actually organised and ready, very unusual I must say" "Don't get used to it Snape" "What is today?" Severus inquired of Lucius as he sat on his bed and jammed his foot into a random shoe. "You are all over the place today Severus. It's the 3rd of March; do you need the year too? what are you doing?" Severus looked down at the mis-matching shoes he had put on subconsciously. One had been one of Lucius's shoes, so he took it off and threw it at Lucius. The idea of something that had come in contact with Lucius's foot being anywhere near Severus repulsed him. "I honestly don't know... do I have enough time for a shower?" "I don't know; don't ask me, I'm not your bloody mother" Severus paused, he didn't like any mention of his mother in any context. "And it's a bloody good thing too Lucius, I'd hate to have an inbred mother" "I'm not inbred!" "Sure sure" Severus searched for his other shoe while Lucius chattered on assuming someone actually cared. All Severus really caught was 'So anyway..' 'you missed' 'So funny' 'and then.' "Lucius do you mind?" "Hm?" "SHUT UP"  
  
Severus Snape, now a young man, who avoided doing anything that made him seem remotely stupid, had gotten down on his hands and knees to search for his other shoe. Under his bed there was an interesting collection of junk and rubbish, this of course he did not mind; he could stand his own mess, just not other peoples. There was a drink bottle, some old clothes, many many pieces of scrunched up parchment bearing failed attempts at essays and half written reports, some text books from years before kept for reference, photographs, a broken broom and a shoe. "Aha!" Severus picked his shoe up to find it was resting on top of a leather bound black book. "Dear lord" in surprised Severus's head made contact with the base of his bed and hard too. "Severus I think you are losing it my friend" "Not now Lucius" Severus snatched up the book and brought his head out from under his bed. "Oh look it's that little book you carried around in 2nd and 3rd year"Lucius said pleasantly "I know, I thought I had thrown it out" Severus said slowly, now distracted terribly by this small little book. His Journal He opened it slowly and flicked to the last entry, and as he did he felt as though he was reading someone else's diary, that he was invading the thoughts and feelings of the 13 year old Severus Snape.  
  
December 25th  
  
If I ever met my father I would smack him all around Europe. How dare he do this. How dare he bring me into this world and just leave me with this life. How dare he kill her when she did all he asked. I am never going to have children. I mean how could a screw up raise a child to be anything else but a screw up? What is the point in making journal entries anymore? Nobody cares and even if they did I wouldn't want them to read any of this.  
  
-Severus Snape who is sick of his life 1:30am  
  
Severus smiled slightly as he closed the diary. So much had changed in 3 years. He had changed so much in the last 3 years. The discovery of his diary had set off his memory, and his thoughts. He slipped into his own little world. It was horrible habit of his, going off into some other world and leaving behind this shell.  
  
"Snape?" Lucius Malfoy's voice dragged him back into reality. "What?" He replied irritably. "You're not dressed, you are a mess and we are going to miss breakfast!" "Go ahead without me then, I don't need to hold your hand do I?" "Shut up Snape, just shut up" Lucius stalked out of the boys' dorm and Severus muttered "Good riddance to you, you old hag" Lucius stepped back into the boys' dorm "Excuse me" "Opps shes forgotten her broomstick" "You are such an asshole sometimes Snape" "I know and I take pride in it" Lucius shook his head and walked out, this time actually going to breakfast, instead of lurking around out side the door of the boys' dorm. Severus taking note of what Lucius had said about his appearance hid the journal and sulked off to the bathrooms.  
  
He stood looking in the mirror for a long time. Examining himself. Tall and thin with long black hair (something Lily Evans would have easily fixed for him) and black eyes. "Yes, I am Severus Snape" He said to the reflection in the mirror ". And I'm talking to mirror" He shook his head with a rare look of amusement "I'm losing it"  
  
He groomed himself as best he could in the time he had. He had now missed breakfast and classes were starting soon.  
  
Using the time he had left before classes as best as he possibly could he scampered into the Slytherin common room, chewing on the hem of the sleeve of his robes, lost in his own little world of thought. "Not a good look Snape" A bright voice spoke to him "Hm?" He looked up "Good morning Severus" Morganna Montaque was gathering up her books from a desk nearby when he had entered. Now she stood facing him, smiling brightly "Morning Morganna" He smiled as equally bright then dropped the smile after he passed her. He had of course by now removed the sleeve from his mouth. He hesitated and turned around to say something to her but she was gone  
  
The day was not overly interesting. It was nearing examination period and everyone around Severus was stressing but as always he was just cruising through classes, he didn't give a ha penny fig about passing or failing, It just didn't matter to him the way it mattered to others. The only exams he had ever stressed about were the O.W.Ls, but there was not a soul Severus was aware of, that didn't stress too.  
  
Severus spent most of the afternoon mucking around, and then the rest of it seeking out Morganna. But Morganna he did not find.  
  
He did however spot her at dinner but he wasn't in a very conversational mood  
  
'It can wait'  
  
It was dark and almost everyone had gone to bed. A few people could be found studying in the common room or returning from the library Severus Snape sat at the desk in his dorm, his black journal sat closed before him, a quill loaded with ink rested in his hand. ' It can wait' He flipped the journal open to the page after the last entry that had been made Christmas morning 3 years ago. 'and live in the journal until then' 


	6. Updating the Journal

**Chapter 6- Updating the Journal Again**

March 3rd  1987

10:57pm

Look what found. I found my journal. Should I be thanking my shoe? I didn't think so.

This needs some major updating. It's been 3 years has it not? Well let me re-introduce myself.

I'm Severus Snape, 16 years of age, Slytherin attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

3 years have passed. I have gotten taller, which is much to my liking. My hair is much longer now, something that irritates poor Lily Evans out of her mind. I still have black eyes and I avoid sun as I always have.

Maybe I should explain why I stopped writing? If the truth be known I don't really know, I suppose if I saw what I was feeling on paper in ink, it only confirmed that what I was thinking and half my thoughts lets face it were usually depressing or close to it. I couldn't hack it by Christmas, So many people had gone home and I was alone again. If I had of gone home, I would have alone anyway, of course my tutor would have been there, but you understand what I mean. It's his entire bloody fault. So I stopped writing. 

I got through the rest of that year with a few bumps along way. By the end of 3rd year Lucius and Narcissa where officially a "couple" yes it's pretty sad 13 year olds dating. But they are still a couple now, surprisingly enough. I don't how Narcissa could stand him for 3 years, I'd rather be locked in a cardboard box with James Potter than go out with Lucius Malfoy for 3 years- That might not be completely true, but you get what I mean?

I made friends with that French girl Morganna and by the end of the year we were very very close friends. Perhaps the most understanding and compassionate friend I've ever had in my life. She reminds me of my mother so much, and I've avoided everything and anything that has ever reminded me of my mother since she died, but I don't avoid Morganna, its different, in a way I fear I cannot explain. I went into 4th year after the most boring summer holidays of my whole entire life. Trying to crack my head open against a brick wall would have been more interesting than my summer holidays. I did manage to escape from my tutor's evil plans to make me study towards the end of the summer holidays to catch up with Morganna in London when she visiting Diagon Ally as so many others were. Lucius was over a lot though which took away the sting of studying. When he is around studying seems like fun. I know I'm horrible to him and I try not be but there is my pride which I cannot lay down, I try and try and get no where- I just end up at the start… insulting Lucius all over again. He is my best friend, he truly is but my pride gets in the way, I think both our prides get in the way, so we are even but he slipped into a realm that I could follow, - love. He seemed to be in love Narcissa whom he spent 2nd and 3rd year pursuing, And I was sincerely happy for him.

He has not changed at all.

I joined Quidditch. I was a chaser. I wasn't an overly good player, just good enough to stay on the team I think. But then I dropped out. Lucius dropped Quidditch last year also because Narcissa thought it was too dangerous for him. See how she has him wrapped around her little finger?

I hope I never get like that.

That prat James Potter is Quidditch captain of the Gryffindor team.

I've also been made a prefect.

I get in trouble a lot because I don't give out enough detentions…?... What!?

I can't believe they picked someone like me, with the track record I have. I haven't exactly been a saint over the last three years. Slytherin head is sick of dealing with Malfoy, De Salis , Rosier and I. Trouble comes to us like flies to rotten meat( I could have used something like bees to honey or something all happy crappy like that… I'm I'm not that demented… really)

Nothing much else has happened. I did my O.W.Ls, I got 15, Lucius & Aeolus got 13 and Evan got 9. I'm proud of myself, for once in my life... I am actually proud of something; well I actually have some thing to be proud of.

I god damn still have divination and memories from this subject are going to haunt me until I die. I hate it I really truly do! The teacher is insane I reckon she makes half of it up. 

Its was alright until she started to predict that I would grow another head. 

I think that was when I gave up.

I love hogsmeade, I love butter beer (the alcoholic kind… sssh don't tell anyone)

Apparently I'm very amusing when I'm sloshed.

That Lupin character has not ceased to disappear at full moons. God I'd love to know what he is up to.

I'm going to beat Sirius Black to death one of these days. I am just going to tackle him in a corridor one day and kick 10 different shades of shit out of him. It's my goal in life. I will not die before I harm him in some physical way. He irritates me so much. All he has to do is exist and he pisses me off.

Yes I still hate the whole lot of them apart from Lily.

Lily is so much fun to be around though I must confess. She is pretty alright for a Gryffindor … but... and here is the bad part-

**_SHE IS GOING OUT WITH POTTER. _**

God damn just my luck. One of my closest friends goes out with one of my biggest enemies.

But Lily was my friend before she was going out with Potter, I fail to see why things should change just because of him.

Just how much you can damage a person before they die? And in what ways.

I don't want to be a murderer. But I want to bring that boy Potter close to death. I god damn hate the lot of them, and that snivelling little twerp Pettigrew. He talks to Lucius sometimes. What is wrong with that picture?

Lucius Malfoy is a bloody _Hypocrite god damn him_

As you can see I haven't changed much mentally in three years, I still carry on like I used to and I can always find something to complain about. But I'm Severus Snape- its what I do best.

Sarcasm suits me

It's the lowest form of wit

And that me all over- low

I love my life

And at the same time hate it

I love butter beer and late nights

-Severus Snape

12:03am 

4th March 1987


	7. Acting

**Disclaimer: You get the idea…**

I predict a lot of typos, I can't be bothered to proof read this

March 6th  1987

I'm going to start writing in this journal again. It's a stress reliever. I can write it down close this book and move on.

Well Today was certainly interesting. I spent today pissing everyone off by singing "My hair is shiny, how about yours?" To every one who spoke to me and punctuating my sentences with fuzz. Can you imagine the people's frustration when trying to hold a conversation with me?

"Hi Severus how are you?" "Good thanks fuzz"

I love it when the 7th yrs attempt to murder me. Yes it's sad that's how I get my thrills

I'm a real wild child eh?

Lily wants to take 10cm off my hair . My hair is 40cm long and it took 40 months to get it that way… no way on earth is ANYONE cutting my hair

My hair is shiny how about yours?

I have Divination homework to do now- thank god I'm in a bullshitting mood.

-Severus Snape

The sun has gone down and the time is 7:30pm fuzz

7th March 1987     

Okay I know I only just wrote in this less than 12 hours ago but I have to get this out of my mind so I can get to sleep.

I think I feel differently about Morganna. Can I tell her that? Should I tell her that? 

What if she is horrified and it ends our friendship. What if she isn't horrified but things become awkward. How do I handle this? I'm very bad at relationships. This cannot become a distraction; I can't afford it with all the work we are getting now.

I won't tell her. I'll just leave it and pray to god over time I forget.

Love is for the weak remember that Severus.

And you are not weak

-Severus Snape

2:13am

9th March 1987

Ho hum. Today Narcissa's friends put my hair into pigtails... and took a picture. I can't remember why I agreed to such torture... but it must have been a bloody good reason.

Potions was so boring today, we were doing bloody word equations for poisons. Booooring. I had to listen to Lucius sing Christmas carols and do little dance jigs behind the Potions Masters back. I also had divinity bleh. That lesson turns my brain to mush

-Sevvy Snape (yeah I gave in...)

4:50pm

14th March 1987

Hogsmeade weekend soon!

I'm looking for to hitting the 3 broomsticks and the Alcoholic beverages

It's worth a month in detention.

Lucius has been driving me out of my mind

1 1 was a race horse

2 2 was one too

1 1 won one race

2 2 won one too

If I hear it again I'm going to disembowel someone

I'm close to making sure James Potter has to piss into a plastic bag for the rest of his life

I got into a little brawl with him out side potions a few days ago. I was thinking about re-decorating the wall behind him in an interesting new shade called "hint of brain"... his brains being the feature.

He is such a prat.

Nothing much else has been happening. Work work and more work everything seems to be focused on the N.E.W.Ts … it's a year way for god sake!

There has been a lot of talk of this Voldemort Character lately. Is it just me or does Lucius get a demonic glint in his eye every time "Voldemort" is mentioned?

But me... no I have to be the one who looks the other way. I burst out laughing every time I hear Voldemort... stealing dead bodies?.. Honestly I'd kill myself with a name like that. 

Severus ain't exactly a great name but at least it ain't cat piss in French.

I haven't told Morganna and I don't plan on telling her. Everything seems normal. And everything between me and her is too perfect to destroy like that.

Only an idiot would

I'm off to push some unsuspecting mates into a lake now

-Sevvy Snape who can't wait for the Hogsmeade weekend

3:36pm

15th March 1987

Today I got boiled in the shower. And I haven't been happy Sevvy since then. The breakfast this morning looked positively evil and for fear of death on swift wings I didn't touch any of it- evil. Have I ever mentioned I hate house elves? Well I do. Transfigurations was boring as per usual. We are getting a new transfigurations teacher next year. Professor Dumbledore was telling us about her. I'd prefer to have Dumbledore next year, he is more experienced, but on the down side he is the Gryffindor head of House. Oh the evil-ness. There has been talk about Professor Dippet retiring. I think we have just about driven him up and over the wall… just about.

I don't have much work today, which means I'm going to have to sit here in study time and doodle all over some ones books (preferably not my own) or just write in this journal. I find I can't express my feelings easily- not even to a journal. But who cares eh?

Lily has been talking about taking me to see a muggle hair dresser in the upcoming holidays. I didn't know my hair was bugging her just that much. Lily has also been going for insane dangerous swims in the lake at random times. Oh well, not my problem I suppose. At least I've tried to stop her

-Sevvy Snape

3:57pm

16th March 1987

I'm off to Hogsmeade. 

If I don't ever write again I've probably died

And I order this book to self destruct

This is going to be so much fun... heh heh...

-Sevvy Snape (out to lunch be back in 10 hours)

11:30am

16th of the evil month

I'm back

mIss me? 

The buttter beer down there just gets better evernee time

… Socks sing did you know that

sleep time now

- Nape evil Sevevy goo

Late

March 18th ( can't be bother with the year)

 Hogsmeade was fun. I over did it though I fear

5 detentions. Go me!

-Severus Snape

8:20am

March 21st

Why does my life always end up so complicated?

If I weren't so damn insecure I could just get it over and done with and tell her.

Nothing ever comes out right though

"You're pretty" "you're ugly"

I think she has caught me staring at her

I'm such a mess

-Severus Snape

11:24pm

March 29th

I read today in the Daily Prophet this Voldemort thing has been attacking ministry of magic officials. The death toll stands at 7. 

I have heard talk around the common room he was helped by a group called the Death Eaters. A group of those who work for him as assassins, spies- doing his dirty work for him and etc. The ministry is all up in arms trying to find this man. They want him killed.

So many fear he has great powers

He seems to be an idol in our common room

I find that very scary

What is going on?

Everything has gotten so dark

… All of a sudden

Is someone drawing the curtain on our lives?

-Severus Snape

5:34pm

April

I don't care what the date is

Voldemort had killed 17 more people, that is 24 in less than a week

I'm feeling particularly nervous about this situation

Something tells me it's going to get a whole lot worse

And were all going to get involved somehow

And yes, Lucius has started to smile whenever Voldemort is mentioned.

He is hiding something from me

And I don't think I really want to know

-Severus Snape

9:37pm

April 6th

Aeolus was doing illustrations of me today in potions

I've never looked so retarded in my life. 

You should have seen what he drew of Lucius

Everyone is pretty good. 

Scarlet has been hanging around a lot. And Narcissa and I have been talking a lot more. 

She has noticed the sudden change in Lucius too

Things between me and Morganna are normal.

I'm so glad I didn't tell her.

-Severus Snape

5:03pm

April 7th

I'm ill, I hate it! I have a slight fever; at least I get out of divination. In my boredom I've devised a torture apparatus on a spare piece of parchment. I think it would work if I have a volunteer to try it out on… well who says they have to volunteer right?

I feel like a piece of crap and my hair feels greasy, I need a shower I feel un clean...

Study study fun fun.

I had a dream about a murderous ball of fluff last night, I was feeling feverish then too.

I think it was something in the food… house elves are evil it's true.

-S. Snape

12:30pm

April 7th

I got told today that I should be a professor when I graduate from Hogwarts. I'd rather die.

When I leave this hell hole I want to actually do something with my life. Something significant. I've worked too hard to get where I am to waste my intelligence on being a bloody Professor. Although I like the idea of giving out a detentions. Can you imagine me on a bad day?

See you in detention

-Professor S. Snape (god that sounds so wanker like)

7:45pm

April 10th

I'm in a depressed state of mind right now

I'm so sick of everyone and everything

-Severus Snape

10:43pm

April 13th

I feel sick.

So incredibly sick.

Physically and mentally sick with humiliation.

It was full moon.  Lucius got a wonderful idea for one of us to follow Remus Lupin and find out what he is up to. Of course they picked me.

I should have never listened.

Sirius Black purposely let information slip about how to get into the whomping willow, where that fruitcake was going every full moon.

He set me up the stupid prick. I can't believe I was so stupid as to fall for it.

Anyway Lucius sent me off after Evan had confirmed Remus had gone. I got down there and opened the damn thing.

You know what that retard is? A bloody werewolf

Anyway he was tearing the place apart and James Potter turns up and hurls me out.

I feel so sick. I owe my life to James Potter. That retard James Potter.

I would rather die. I just want to snuff it right now.

Moron Snape Moron!

The shame and humiliation is burning me up inside and ever since I've felt so damn feverish. I can't take lessons with the Gryffindor anymore, I just can't. My pride has been smashed and now lies shattered before me. The sudden vulnerability I'm experiencing is like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like I'm standing alone in the dark and I can hear laughing in the distance. There is absolutely nothing around me and nothing beneath me. I could be attacked from all angles.

The shame and humiliation is killing me slowly

I wish for peace

I wish for freedom

-Severus Snape

11:24pm

April 21st

Still trying to deal with the humiliation of the recent incident.

Today we had a year meeting.

They are targeting self esteem issues in our year. Seeing as we are coming up to the N.E.W.Ts...

… There was a suicide in Raven claw about a week ago

The whole school is still in mourning

I think it has shocked us all into reality after we have spent so long thinking the N.E.W.Ts would be tomorrow not today and leaving Hogwarts would never come.

How can any of us survive the next year after this?

-Severus Snape

12:40am

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Insert into Journal_

_A sheet filled out by Severus Snape at year meeting. Was meant to be handed in but found its way to his journal_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Name: Severus Snape                                          ****House: Slytherin**

Fill out Questions as honestly as you can. Attempt to fill all questions in.

Hand this in to your head of House.

Open Questions (extended response)

I feel Happy when: I don't I feel sad when: I don't I get angry when: When I screw up and humiliate myself. And After a school tragedy they make us fill in shit like this so we can't forget. More than anything I wish: I was released from this world, to have freedom I am Afraid that: I might take the same path as that Ravenclaw girl. That we all might I look forward to: Going home for summer holidays I hope I never: …………… If I could change one thing about myself it would be: The life I lead One problem I have: Putting my pride first  Right now I feel: Depressed like everyone else. Sick. Tired 

Closed Questions (answer yes or no)

Are you easily hurt by criticism?: No Are you very Shy or Overly aggressive: No Do you try to hide your feelings?: Yes Do you fear close relationships: Yes Do you try to blame others for your mistakes: Yes Are you glad when others fall: ………………… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 23rd

Nobody wants to eat, nobody wants to sleep

Nobody wants to live

What has happened to us all?

-Severus Snape 

9:59pm

April 26th

Well are all slowly crawling up out of our holes

I feel a lot better now. I have almost forgotten what has happened- the prank and the suicide.

But it's hard to erase completely from my mind.

Death toll: 39

Voldemort is gaining power.

But why has he chosen to attack now of all times.

-Severus Snape

7:30pm

April 27th

Holidays soon. I can't wait

-Severus Snape

2:20pm. Transfigurations class

April 29th

I really wish I could tell Morganna. I don't like hiding things from her

Death toll: 43

I'm scared

Hold me (I'm getting my humor back- kinda)

-Severus Snape

8:13am

April 30th

I feel utterly betrayed on all levels

My best friend-

How do I say this?

…..

Lucius Malfoy is a Death Eater

I don't believe it, I just don't believe it

The death eaters are for old maniacs not 16 years olds

It's a huge shock; I can't feel at the moment, I just feel sick

I wonder if he is going to hide this from Narcissa as he did me.

Its not fair life just isn't fair.

Here is the worst bit

He has chosen me to enter with him. He wants his best friend to do this with him.

To carry out such evil at his side.

I can't tell anyone this, Not Lily, not Aeolus, Not Morganna... no one. I can ask for no ones advice and I can not be comforted by any one. No one must know about the decision I am faced with. This is going to drive me insane.

Lucius is trying to make the offer seem like the opportunity of a lifetime. A wonderful thing. To have such power, to help in taking the world and holding it under our rule leaded by Lord Voldemort. It's tempting but…

No matter how much sugar you put on shit…. It's still shit

And that's what I see this all as. Shit.

-Severus Snape

3:41am

May 1st

I'm going to do it. For my friend… My best friend

I can't not do it. I can't just ignore this.

I heard that it is better to be at the right hand of evil than in its path.

If I don't go then I will not know what Lucius is getting into and if he died, it would stain my conscious for the rest of my life. It's already stained enough. 

I'm going to become branded for life

-Severus Snape

2:34am

May 2nd

After I told Lucius I would he went and told Aeolus and Evan.

Aeolus left immediately. He went somewhere else- away from us. He hasn't spoken to me or Lucius since.

Evan jumped at offer. I'm glad to see they have something in common. They are both power hungry animals… and ironically I still view them as friends. Could it be I am just the same.. that I might try and convince myself I am doing this to watch Lucius.. when Power hungry is what I am too?

-S. Snape

May 3rd

I desperately need to talk to Lily or Morganna. I'm going to go out of my mind

I think I have to realize everyone has problems too

I'm so self centered it's not funny

Everything- me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me

Someone needs to slap me hard

I wish to god I was a stronger person

-Severus Snape

4:45pm

May 4th

God I'm a good actor

Nobody suspects a thing. I had someone say to me today- "You manage to find something funny in the worst of times, don't you ever feel depressed or under pressure?"

Maybe this is one of those muggle Hollywood movies. I feel like it is. Because I'm walking around playing a totally different part from my natural self

… I can't even remember a time when I was my natural self

I think I should get a (those muggle awards... the name will come to me…) an Oscar for this performance

-Severus Snape

May 5th

Holidays soon.

I can't wait to be away from this all. I can start next year off with a clean sheet, in a happier mood... and try and keep things that way. This year has been such a …. Bad one

We will get our exam results back soon but.

I bet I failed…..

Who cares?

Not me

-Severus Snape 

10:07am divination class

May 7th

Lucius Malfoy has the ugliest thing on his arm. It's horrible

It's called a dark mark. A way of distinguishing death eaters and calling them to their master. According to Lucius to burns and hurt terribly when his "Master" is calling

I don't want this…or do i?… either way I have to do it

-Severus Snape

6:48pm

May 9th

Holidays. That's when it's going to happen.

….. That's when I am going to be branded for life…

-Severus Snape

8:23pm

May 10th

I told Lily.

Now she in convinced I'm going to die over the holidays.

I'm such a moron.

But I had to tell her. I hate hiding things from my …..friends.

-Severus Snape

May 12th

Holidays Soon.

I probably won't write until I get back so until then Good bye

When I next write I will be one of them...

-Severus Snape

Packing 4:35pm

I can't find any socks and my wand has gone walkies.

….Walkies?......


	8. Letters to The Frenchie

_Severus hates the French, and this is why._

**Chapter 8- Letters to the Frenchie.******

Sebastian Russier

12 Rue Craches

Chatillon, Paris

France

Chere Sebastian

                        Nobody tells me anything anymore. Paris now? What next Monaco? I don't blame you actually, if I'd grown up in Riems I would have moved to America by now. How be you and the clan Russier? Rochelle (I'm clearly not talking about my cat) sent me an owl not long ago. She tells me Tatie Sophie and Tonton Jean are on shaky ground- Again. Do you think its living on the vineyard that does it to everyone? Next time you come to England (and it better be bloody soon (and don't bring the rest of your family)) Bring some of your parents wine. You see I depleted all that Angele had collected and all that I conned out of you lot the year before the last. You see I really do need it, I have many problems.

Now here is what you've been waiting Seven years to hear. I am human; I developed a rather pathetic crush on a French girl attending Hogwarts this year. I actually feel emotion for another person, Mon Dieu! I feel weak because of it and my life has been hell because of it (now I'm just exaggerating) See how self centered I am? A girl from Ravenclaw (a house in this school, I don't think I've ever written to you about it) committed suicide this year, it doesn't help. That made me think. Has there been any suicide in our family?  I'm curious. I know we've had our fair share of murderers and inherited diseases, but suicide... hmm. Would you class suicide as a disease? Well, no that doesn't make sense what about depression is that a disease? (And I'm not implying anything about myself and my mental state at this period at time (Ask me again in a year)) Anyway moving on. I'm going home to Brighton this year, because Calais is just too risky and Snape Hall in Richmond is just too dead (although the mansion there is damned nice).

I think I've became more than friends with this girl in my year, Akira. She is absolutely gorgeous. You must come to England sometime

_Severus Snape_

Snape Manor

Brighton, East Sussex

England.

Severus Snape

Where ever you be

Brighton, East Sussex

England

Chere Severus! 

Bonjour Cousin! Yes I moved away from Riems. Every time Rochelle has come home from Beauxbatons she seems to have gotten moodier, Robert goes through my things when I'm not home. Clea is trying to be like Rochelle and Marie won't shut up about how she is starting at Beauxbatons next year. Maman and Papa – well don't even get me started Severus, just don't get me started. My owl got confused with my last letter and took it to your tutor Wesley, and he sent me a reply that read "Based on the content of this letter I refuse to forward to your cousin Severus".  It was hilarious. Your tutor is so funny. How I miss the days at Richmond when we drove him insane singing muggle like songs that we heard on the muggle radio. You should bring your tutor over to Calais this summer, I'd come visit or you could come to Chatillon in Paris. Why do you avoid France so much? You haven't been here in 3 years. And you wonder why Grand-Mere Lidia pesters you so. I reckon if you weren't English you'd be her favourite

Yes depression is a disease the same as love. Does this girl love you and your greasy hair back? Sorry I couldn't resist, have you gotten a hair cut yet?

_Sebastian Russier _

(You know the rest)

Not so dear Sebastian

Looky here French boy if I hear one more joke about my hair you die.

 Don't criticise my hair, yours isn't perfect to be honest.

 And for the god damn last time it's not greasy, it's merely radiant you burke! Merely radiant! NO the girl does not love me back we are 'friends' you see. 

I am not coming to Calais, that's just asking for trouble plus I have N.E.W.Ts next year 

(the equivalent of your final wizardry assessment) and I've got things to do with Lucius Malfoy over the holidays. I don't know why I avoid France, but I've come to hate everything about it, I like England where I'm relatively safe.

I'll ask Wesley not to open my mail in future, and just for the record your owl sucks. How do you gather love is a disease, you aren't exactly dying of it are you Sebastian?.  What the hell is wrong with being English?!

_Severus Snape the Pissed_

Study, Snape manor

Brighton, East Sussex

England

Chere Arrogant Englishman 

How dare you call me "French boy"!

Your hairy is greasy, and being English is a curse.

Being serious Severus love kills, you only have to look at the example your mother and father set to realise that please just be careful.   
Lucius Malfoy? he is the boy with the Death eaters the Lestrangers were telling Maman about! You are friends with him? I hear he is big trouble and apparently (I heard this on the grape vine (literally (okay bad joke))) close to this ridiculous Voldemort person. Oh and did you hear Severus, 70 people dead, I just can't believe it.

Rochelle sends her love; she has only just gotten home from Beauxbatons- I'm glad I moved out when I did.

P.S Your owl sucks more than mine

Seb Russier

Cupboard 

12 Rue Craches

Chatillon, Paris

France

Frenchie

We Englishmen take pride in our arrogance. you Frenchies are weeds, whoopsies and big girls' blouses. My hair is not god damn greasy and I will not cut it I tell you (well never to above shoulder height.)

_Sevvy Snape_

A hole 

Brighton, East Sussex

England

Chere Severus

Truce? Enjoy your holiday cousin. Keep on writing to me, and tell me if you change your mind about Calais. So apart from all we've spoken about what had been going on in your life?

P.S: I was forced home, I hate Rochelle.

_Sebastian Russier_

6 Rue Chat noir

Riems, Champagne

France

Chere Sebastian

Well what has been going on? I've been studying myself into the ground seeing as I have nothing better to do, I've developed feelings for one of my closest friends and run the risk of losing that friendship if I say something and it plagues me. In the meantime my studies have been distracted by a pretty Slytherin girl who happens to be the sister of one of my arch enemies, and I seem to be digging my own grave. And on top of all of that my best friend has emotionally black mailed me into joining the Death Eaters and if you don't know about them then you have been living in a rather dark cave. 

My life is a shit hole.

_Severus Snape _

Snape Manor

Brighton, East Sussex

England

Chere Severus

You have just earned yourself a visit from the relatives. 

Take care

_Sebastian Russier _

6 Rue Chat Noir

Riems, Champagne

France

Severus Snape 

Snape manor 

Brighton, East Sussex

England

Chere Severus

My dear Nephew, I would like to inform you Jean and I will be in England over summer and will be staying with you. I intended to Bring Sebastian, Rochelle, Robert, Clea and petite Marie, I hope you do not mind. I don't want to have you spend summer alone in the manor again, and Wesley informs me you need to be in England to keep focused on studies for your finishing year. I do not know the exact date you should expect us, I am Sorry.

Love Tante Sophie

6 Rue Chat noir

Riems, Champagne

France

_Sophie Russier's Point of View_

Angele left behind an unhappy boy. Poor Boy. 

Going over to England to spend sometime with him is the best thing for him right now, that's what he needs, reassurance from his family.

__

_Jean Russier's POV_

Ma femme insists on harassing poor Severus. This is the worst thing for him right now, harassment from his family.

__

_Sebastian Russier's POV_

Poor Severus. Maman insists we go keep him company over summer. Judging from his last letter to me a visit from us is the last thing he needs. Well at least I know they will bring him some wine from the vineyards. 1 Positive for Severus Snape.

_Rochelle Russier's POV_

I am not going to England, why can't they see I have a life?! 

_Robert Russier POV_

Severus Snape... How boring

_Clea Russier's POV_

We can't go to England, can't they see Rochelle has a life

_Marie Russier's POV_

Francs! Papa dropped some Francs!

_Severus Snape's Point Of View_

I looked at my watch then out the window.

To my watch, then out the window.

1 hour 47 minutes.

I looked out the window then to my watch 

1 hour 48 minutes

I stared intently at my watch

1 hour 49 minutes

1 hour 50 minutes

God damn it, make the time move faster.

The trip from London to Brighton has always been a boring one I guess, but never as it was now. I would have been better off staying in Richmond.

I looked out the window. Everything looked the same way as it had a year ago, had nothing changed?

I assumed the manor in Brighton hadn't changed at all. And I discovered I was correct upon arrival.

One of the things that definitely brightened(A/n:Note the sarcasm) up my day was a letter from my Tatie Sophie saying she, my Tonton Jean (Philippe) and my cousins would be joining me at Snape hall for the summer. Why I have no idea and why I do not want to know. I haven't seen my Tatie, Tonton or cousins since the summer before 5th year when I was in Calais and then dragged off to Riems in Champagne to stay with my permanently sloshed Uncles and aunties. Well I was more dragged between Rilly and Riems than really staying anywhere. These are the people that brought on my hate for France.

At least I didn't get forced into going to La Rochelle. Somehow I don't think that would be bearable. I'd have to throw my self into the Bay of Biscay and hope that I wash up on the shores of Brighton.

My driver decided to take me on the scenic route into the estate. The gardens were dead. My mother loved the gardens, but I think for the last 5 years of her life she was out of it,   truly insane-And I think that prompted the dancing around the gardens and naming of weeds, No wonder my father killed her.

I saw my tutor, He saw me.

He saw my hair.

And I swear he scowled!

"Welcome home Master Snape."

"Don't look too pleased." I remarked, intending to be as indifferent and sarcastic as I could manage this summer. Wesley studied me.

"And pray tell what has brought on this mood that I'm going to suffer because of?"

"Why are we alive? Don't ask me. Mr Martin" That sort of talk irritated my tutor the most, so he turned to his attentions to the stable hand leading my horses away, and the butler who was taking my trunk from the carriage. I often wondered if this was how my parents lived every day of their life, watching over people do things for them.

"Anything eventful happen while I was away?" I questioned in the most arrogant tone of voice I could muster.

"No Severus." I looked at my tutor, and he looked straight back at me. I have never been afraid of being caught looking or staring if you like, at people; I'm not the sort of person who stares at a person until they make eye contact and have to immediately look away. But I don't like catching people staring at me, it gives me paranoia among other things . 

My tutor seemed tired of me already, after a year we'd only been in each others presence for 5 minutes and he was sick of me already.

"Believe me, I would have stayed at Hogwarts had the option been available to me."

"Pardon me Severus? I do not recall saying anything."

"You didn't have to."

"You are being ridiculous Severus, I do not wish for you to stay at Hogwarts... that has always been your choice" He spoke almost accusingly.

"Mais Enfin!". I removed my gloves as I started up the steps of the manor.

"By the way Severus, before you sulk away to somewhere your Aunt Sophie and Uncle Jean will be arriving in a few days, So for now keep off the second floor, the maids are preparing all the rooms there"

"Yeah yeah..."

I waited half the evening for my trunk to turn up; in the meantime I sorted out my mail. There were a few letters, one from My Uncle in Mont-rose Scotland seeking permission to use Snape hall in Richmond while he was in England, Another From My grandfather Richard, to my Tutor Wesley Martin*, inquiring on how my studies were, A few from Cousins, like Eliza Blake who is my age and attending Durmstrang and her twin brother Lucien*, Claudia Renault and some others. I have a lot of Cousins, unfortunately. 8 that I am close to who are 16+, and millions of little cousins, Natalie Blake who is only 4 being my favourite and Clea Russier brat of France from my mothers side being my least favourite. Lucky me Clea was coming to stay.

I had received a letter from Lucius too, but I chose to ignore it, I didn't feel like getting even more depressed on this particular evening. 

… But then I opened it. 

It was nothing, he was just saying hello, 

_Severus Snape_

_My dearest Cynical Friend.__ Have arrived in __Rochdale__ safely and despite the erratic weather here I am quite good. How are you my pessimistic friend? I sent Aeolus an owl too, and I'll start making plans to catch up soon. Speaking of catching up, Narcissa is holding a party at her parents place in Dover and she wishes you to come, but I suppose when the party has been finalised she will send you an owl herself. Akira will be going._

_I hope the weather in __Brighton__ is much nicer than it is here. Anyway, reply as soon as you can. _

_Lucius Malfoy_

_(If your owl doesn't know where in __Rochdale__ I live by now, it should be shot!)___

Sometimes I wonder what Lucius does with all his intelligence when we get to Hogwarts, because I always see the bright cunning side of him over the holidays but when I get to Hogwarts all I see is the mindless, arrogant, foppish Lucius Malfoy. I wonder if he is just as good actor as I am.

I got a letter from Akira too

_Sev!_

_I hope this reaches you. If you are reading this now then it has, yay!._

_I just got home so I'm sending you an owl. I Really Really Really  hope we can catch up._

_I might take you up on that offer to stay with you in __Brighton__, then you can show me the beach._

_Anyway better make this quick _

_Write back or else!_

_                             With much love, a kiss and some happiness_

_                                                             Akira Black_

Akira is a beautiful human being she really is, a bright shining torch for all of us/

I can never get to sleep in my manor, that's why I don't intend on living here after I graduate. I hardly ever have nightmares but when I sleep here that's all I ever get in my sleep, and afterwards the headaches are splintering. It wasn't like this before I left for Hogwarts, it only started afterwards. 

The nightmares are indescribable, like dying over and over again, but waking up to be alive. Sometimes its family related, and now my nightmares are the only place where I can remember what my father looks like. - No looked like. Sometimes my nightmares replay the event of my mother's murder, nothing changed, everything exactly how it happened, and in my sleep I see the things I can't remember in consciousness.  The Nightmares don't bother me half as much as they should, but it's the headaches that prevent me from desiring to sleep. I'm very prone to headaches and migraines, and fear them. Some times I convince myself there is something wrong with me, and the paranoia brings on more headaches. And Sometimes if feel like I'm in this big hole and I've dug so deep that I can't get out so I have to keep going. 

So I procrastinated most of the night until I could not stay awake any longer

_Wesley Martin's POV_

The boy looked exhausted and ill before he went to bed. He also seemed very highly strung when he arrived. 

I went to wake him the next morning and it was obvious he had been tossing, because a pillow that had previously been on his bed was on the dresser halfway across the room. It makes me wonder just how violent he gets when he sleeps, and I feel sorry for his future wife if he continues on like this. She will get killed in her sleep.

He still seemed ill but the boy always looks ill, thin and pale. I've been told he was a sickly infant. That is probably why.

The boy probably suffers from malnutrition based on his description of the food at Hogwarts.

I let him sleep, keeping in mind he is not a morning person. 

Then Sophie and Jean Arrived

~~Severus's POV~~

"Severus, wake up"

I was quite sure it was an ungodly hour of the morning but in reality I had overslept. Taking advantage of this, I decided to get some more sleep…..

"Severus wake up now."

"Salut Severus!"

It was her! I sat up immediately to see my aunty. I wasn't exactly well presented.

My Aunt was in my bed chambers. Glancing around I was relieved to see only Wesley and Sophie were in the room. My gazed strayed to a smashed mirror and my stomach leaped.

"Ah! Severus, Bonjour!"

"Euh…. Bienvenue Tatie..." I was rather annoyed that she had invited herself, but I was now fuming that she had interrupted my sleep, and I had a headache.

"Mais Enfin enfant!" I rolled over and ignored my aunty.

"Get up now Severus" Its time like these when I'd really like to murder my tutor. So much for my restful holiday.

*Wesley Martin was my Choir Conductor. I was in the Sydney Chamber Choir of the Australian Youth Choir, I dropped out when my voice broke but the conductor must have been a Nazi in a past life. I'm sure there were references to him in _Mien Kampf (Authored By Adolf Hitler)_

*Lucien was always my character Severus's cousin before he was Heather's flirtatious Next Generation Character. She nicked him off me when I played him as Draco's son in an After Hogwarts rp.


	9. Where Life Begins and Ends

Places are geographically correct so don't tell me otherwise.

Plot is coming together. 

Holidays June 26th 1987

So I've decided to write in this piece of crap, so I lied.

My Aunty Sophie and Uncle Jean came to stay. I detest the French, stupid little twerps with their bloody French accents. What have they done for the world apart from decapitate thousands of aristocrats? Nothing that is what. Sebastian brought me wine from Riems, though I am fonder of the red wines from the south, but no matter its still wine and I'm not even meant to be drinking it. As if Wesley cares. My tutor thinks I'm ill, he says I look thin and sickly, like he would know! Anyway I've spent most of my time in my cousin Sebastian's company, He is the only one on my mothers side of the family I can stand apart from another cousin of mine Claudia Renaut. They all god damn want to cut my hair! My whole family has something against my hair. 

She cut it, Sophie cut my hair, well she says trimmed I say lopped. She took 15 centimetres of the length of my hair and now it's only an inch below shoulder length, and I can't tie it back well anymore and it gets in my face all the time. I am annoyed!

_"Severus? Come sit beside me for a moment enfant."_

_"Yes Tatie is there a problem?"_

_"Let me look at your hair for a moment."  
"Err why? Hang on... why do you have scissors? "_

_"Here let me brush your hair…"_

_"Why do you have scissors? w-what are you doing?"_

_"Trimming your hair Severus boy, now hold still."_

_"My hair!?"___

_"Severus come back it's all uneven at the end!"_

Later

_"See look how much better that looks, the wonders a trim can do. What are you laughing at Sebastian?"_

_"N-nothing Maman."___

_"Trim?! My ass! This is not a trim, this is like a shave."_

_"Oh my god Maman you should have shaved his head aha ha ha! … I can just see you now Sev... bald... ha ha!"_

_"Severus stop whining or I'll cut it all off."_

_"Bloody hell!"___

_"Aha ha ha ha ha ha!"___

_"Language!"___

_"Aha ha ha ha ha!"___

_"Sebastian, be quiet or baby sit Clea and Marie."_

_"Aha ha-……"_

************************************************************************

Sebastian is just lucky he isn't on my hit list. Uncle Jean has said less than a hundred words to me in the week they have been here

************************************************************************

_"Severus, I just wanted a word with you, to see how you are doing."  
"Oh? Alright"_

_"Well I just wanted to know, you remember what happened to your parents?"_

_"Euh, yes…. Why?"_

_"I just wanted to know if you alright with it all, I imagine you would want some answers now you are getting older. There are things you should understand."_

_"Yes I'm fine with it, absolutely... You know what I was just about to do some piano practise for Wesley, so I'll talk to you later"_

************************************************************************

He wanted to know how- 8 years on- I am dealing with the deaths of my parents.

And I told him everything was fine, how I wish it were true and perhaps if I say it enough one day, I might speak the truth when I say that.

Rochelle seems to have become quite a beauty, and coincidently quite a bitch, but being the perfect gentleman my father brought me up to be (Do you see the irony there? Brings me up as a gentleman and then goes and kills my mother right in front of me) I have not responded to any of her insults, although I could think of a quite a few good calls.

I will officially be 17 in four days.. fun fun.

The relatives are going soon and Lucius is coming to Brighton the day before they leave. Can't wait for that.

Sebastian has been providing the entertainment (and the wine)

Sevvy Snape

10:11pm

************************************************************************

_Severus's POV_

Sebastian set the wine bottle down on the table before us. 

"Drink Cousin, Its will make you feel better, or at least take your mind off whatever it is that makes you look so depressed."  
"Depressed?"

"Yes you are a depressing person to be around."  Sebastian flopped into a chair opposite where I was sitting contentedly thinking. I snorted in reply.

"What makes you think so Cousin Sebastian?"

"You always slip off into another world of thought, you avoid people like the plague-"

"No Sebastian, I avoid your family like the plague."

"That wasn't very nice….. Oh and getting onto the topic of not very nice I believe you sent me a letter addressed Frenchie saying…Euh..."

"Well you insulted the English"  
"I had to, its true you Englishmen are-"  
"I don't want to hear it! I am proud to be an Englishman."

"Whether you are as you say- a man is rather debatable.. Just look at your hair"

"That was uncalled for."

I sat back and watched my cousin pour himself some wine. It was white wine from their own vineyard, the sort you'd get from Champagne in the North of France. I've always been fonder of the red wines from France, one of the country's redeeming qualities. And also the only reason I put up Aunt Suzanne and Uncle Philippe Renaut, which says something, are that they are from Bordeaux, a port in the south from Paris, on the Garonne River, excellent place for red wines. They are never very bearable, their eldest daughter Claudia is fine, in fact I am very close to her but their other 2 daughters are babies of the family and Suzanne is pregnant again.I don't like babies. Suzanne is my mother's younger sister, the youngest of 4. She always talks about my mother –often- as though she was some angel sent from god, as if she were a religion- a sacred memory.

And it's painful to listen to.

"Have some would you Severus." He began to pour some into a glass presumably for me. I picked it up and drunk it, for the pure sake of washing away those memories. 

"You know Severus if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make a pretty woman your wife… and if she bores you, get another girl to marry you." My cousin was wasted. 

"What about love?"

"As if love exists these days Sev! The family will never stop bothering you until you are safely married off…. By your own choice or arranged... whatever comes first…"

"Sebastian, it's your choice, shut up or be hexed."

"Euh…. Um…" Silence followed "I'll shut up... "

He was silent for a few minutes, but it didn't last long and I was particularly foolish for thinking it would.

"Love doesn't exist… girls crap on about love and stuff…. And-an... we coulden .. t-t give a flying rats .."

"Is that so?"

"Mm hmm" Sebastian put his head down on the table and slurred on mindlessly. I got up and wandered slowly to the window. I didn't know why but all my thoughts flew back to my friends... Particularly Morganna.

~~**~~

_"You shouldn't expect so much of the little child Edward."_

_That's all very well for you Angele isn't it. You already have 2 son heirs. Severus is MY only child."_

_"Edward please..."_

_"He is my only child and my expectations are pinned on him, everyone is watching the boy because he is the only Snape by blood and name left and everyone is expectant of him. Is that fair to the boy?"_

_"You know I would have given you more children if I could but after Bella-"_

_"It's not about that now tell me the truth..."_

_"Severus leave the room..."_

_"The truth Angele!!!!!!"___

_"Severus leave!!"_

~**~ 

I awoke with the worst headache. My head throbbed uncontrollably for an hour after I had awoken. 

Nobody was awake, but it was a perfect morning for a ride around the estate, to at least see what the winter storms had damaged and what needed tending to if nothing else.

I spent an hour in the stables. My horse, my favourite horse had died in the winter, and nobody had told me. The master of this estate wasn't even told his horse died, how ironic.

I spent the better part of June 30th my 17th birthday in solitude. I left the estate before sun rise and wandered the beaches of Brighton for a good 5 hours , talking to a couple of local folk along the way before Wesley decided I'd gone off somewhere to kill myself. I was dragged back to the manor and made to celebrate there. The Russiers were there of course and the Blakes came all the way from Dover and my Grandfather came from Birmingham. Aunt Anna was particularly emotional as her mother and my grandmother had passed away only but a month ago. I sulked for most of the evening.

"Severus! It's good to see you! oh god help I've forgotten a bag.. Oh hang on here it is" Lucius arrived a few days later more cheerful than ever before, grinning idiotically at everything I said.

"Listen piss pot, I'm in an exceptionally bad mood and the relatives are here."

"The Frenchies?!"

"Not too loud!.. Yes them, don't talk to them and don't go near them. I've already told them you don't speak French so you don't have to pretend like last time. They leave tomorrow"

Lucius studied me with his annoying grey eyes, and I stared back at him, my trademark smirk and raided eyebrow in place.

"Good because we leave tomorrow also."

"To where?"

"Where your life starts and ends my friend. To meet your lord... your father and your brothers."

I  looked down at the ground, shuffling gravel with my feet, before raising my eyes to him, from beneath a curtain of black hair, in place to hide myself from him.

"The Death eaters."


	10. Aube la plus somber

**Chapter 10- ****Aube**** la plus somber**

_                        (Darkest Dawn)___

_I love it just before dawn, they say it is always darkest just before dawn_

Severus Snape stood on the balcony of the large Snape manor, alone as it had been for 8 years, watching the dawn in all is magnificence as if it were the last time he would have the chance.

He watched as the night sky lightened, unmoving and silent within his own world of the suffering he considered his life. Or rather his life he considered as suffering.

All the happenings of late combined with all the feelings and dug up memories had piled on top of him until in these moments he was lost beneath them. He was slipping, falling away from stable ground, falling. 

His long black hair, which had grown fast in response to the trim in true wizard style, was tangled in a morning's breeze as he looked out over the fields of his estate. A few more hours and Lucius would awake, and Severus would start to question just how much longer he could go on like this, hoping to discover when it would all end.

~~**~~

The two young men stood together on the driveway in the morning's cold, silent, both lost within thought.

"Severus, you will be home in 2 days, I am correct in believing so? You need to pack to go back to Hogwarts." Wesley stood on the manor steps looking down at the two boys, waiting anxiously for the carriage to appear so he could return inside.

"Correct, I shan't be too long, if I am I will send an owl." Severus replied through chattering teeth, half wondering why they called this summer.

"Do what you deem best Master Snape. Young Malfoy I expect I will be seeing you when Severus returns or next Christmas." Lucius looked up realising he was being addressed by Wesley.

"Yes perhaps, I m-" He was cut off as Severus interrupted, indicating to Lucius that he could see the carriage coming slowly from the stables. Both boys stared at each other for a moment before simultaneously looking away as they picked up their bags.

"Master Snape, one more thing, where are you two going?"

Severus slide into the carriage and hesitated for a moment before answering. "Hell..." He slammed the door closed and Lucius beside him muttered 

"I thought you were already there Satan."

Severus looked at Lucius and stared the sort of stare nobody wants to receive from Severus Snape, but Lucius feigned ignorance and settled himself in the carriage, without a word. 

There was silence for a while neither saying anything as Severus shifted and fidgeted, uncomfortable with this whole situation, until finally speaking. "Lucius, where exactly are we going?"  
 "You will know all in good time Severus, all in good time my friend, Trust me."

"Lucius, how can I trust you? You've said 'Trust me' many times before and I have, but all that trust gave me was trouble and you were usually wrong." Severus crossed his arms; he was always good at arguing with Lucius.

"Come off it Severus when have I gotten us in trouble, or been wrong for that matter?"

"Where do you want me to start?! Remember that whole Remus Lupin thing?" Lucius groaned. "Still brooding Snape?"

"Oh and you were trying to tell me Morganna Montaque was an evil veela and you were wrong." Severus said driving his point with the best example he could find.

"That was years ago and how do you know that she isn't?" Lucius replied, losing the argument.

"I know her much better than you do, and she isn't evil- as you say"

"You're obsessed with her!" Lucius said desperately trying to change the subject to one of Severus's flaws.

"No Lucius, I'm not." Severus used his most calm tone of voice and scared Lucius into silence. And that was how the rest of the ride was spent- in silence.

It was late Afternoon when they arrived at the unknown location. A large abandoned castle loomed over the carriage as it came to a stop. Lucius got out slowly and told Severus to stay put. Severus could hear Lucius talking to the driver. Nothing made sense to him, if this location was so secret that Lucius could not tell him, why would he tell one of Severus's drivers? There was a flash, it was unmistakably that of a magic hex, and it prompted Severus to emerge from the carriage.

"Jesus Christ!"  
"Severus!?" Lucius looked up from what he was doing to see Severus. He panicked.

"What the hell did you do?" Severus looked at Lucius from where he was, climbing down from the carriage. Lucius was standing 10 metres away, his wand out in one hand, dragging a body away with the other. The body of the driver. Lucius narrowed his eyes.

"I told you to stay in the carriage." He hissed surprising Severus with his behaviour

"You forget Lucius, you can't tell me what to do and expect me to do it now what the hell have you done! Or more to the point what are you doing?" Severus looked shocked and livid at the same time, and Lucius looked as equally livid.

 "Getting rid of this. He knows about the castle, he might see one of Death eaters and we have to be damned careful about what we do. I'll have you understand Severus, this isn't a game."  
"Well you often act like it is Lucius so I don't know what to think." Severus turned away as Lucius kicked the body of his victim into a nearby ditch, muttering afterwards. " That will do…"

Severus added to his remark."- Do you know how much trouble we will get into if the ministry finds out- underage wi-." Stopping mid sentence Severus turned around again  to stare disgustedly at Lucius Malfoy, his whole impression of him changed. Vicious callous killer. And it was obvious now Lucius held some intelligence, that he had not revealed until now.

 "Basterd…" Severus muttered under his breath, a feeling of rage washing over him.

"Come on Snape, Come meet your new family." Lucius walked off and when Severus did not follow he beckoned him to come. Severus followed.

"Lucius Malfoy you are late!" A harsh voice barked from the room at the end of the corridor. Lucius seemed to shake for a moment. Severus followed taking in this new environment. Lucius looked to Severus, before taking deep breath and entering the room. Severus stepped into the room after him. There was a small flash and Severus felt as though the breath was knocked out of him, everything slowed down and slowly everyone turned to face Lucius Malfoy and this newcomer. All except one that is. A cloaked figure stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by several other cloaked men. Severus was amused by the use of cloak indoors but decided it wise not to comment on this.

"Lucius…" The 'thing' in the middle of the room spoke softly now. "You are late..."

"I know master I was-" Lucius doubled over mid sentence and Severus watched wide eyed. 

"Hush boy I didn't ask for an explanation, I was stating a fact." The thing spun around to reveal a dark shadowy creature not that of human status with the features of a rotting corpse and snake like eyes, glowing red in small slits. Exactly the disgusting mass murderer Severus had been imagining.

"You are Severus Snape…"

"Yes." 

"Don't interrupt!" Severus jumped a bit at the mans response.

"Severus Snape, 17 years of age. Son of Angele Russier and Edward Snape. Born in Dover…. I know all about you. You will make an excellent Death Eater. Severus say hello to your family my child." Severus was trying not to laugh, and succeeding, but only just. He had observed some of the death eaters around them were older than this Voldemort character. He was chilled by the atmosphere though. 

The thing slowly snaked his way other to Severus and touched his cheek. Severus's insides froze and he felt cold all over. Severus recoiled and took a step away.

"Excellent……" The thing drawled

His name was Tom Riddle. All were to call him Lord Voldemort or suffer the 'consequences'( whatever they may be) and Severus did discover. Fortunately not the hard way though.

"Hold out your arm to me boy"

The room was now empty and Severus stood alone with Tom Riddle or 'Voldemort'. The hood of Voldemort's cloak was now down and he was staring at Severus with a piercing look that came to him naturally. Severus had not heard Voldemort as he was lost in his mind.

"You intrigue me Severus Snape. You power is intriguing, your intelligence is intriguing... and your personality. - Hold out your left arm."

Severus wasn't sure what he was talking about but he held out his left arm for him.

"I can tell you are a pureblood Severus, it's rarely ever easy to tell with others but you... Now hold out your right hand." Voldemort had rolled up Severus's sleeve as he talked. He withdrew a dagger from the inside of his cloak made deep cut in the palm of Severus's right hand, causing Severus to let out a sharp cry of pain and then to finish by swearing in Latin.

"Why the hell did you..?" In the all the confusion Voldemort had drawn with his wand a mark, identical to Lucius's, on Severus's inner left forearm. It looked like ink and it sparkled on his skin, then it started to sink beneath his skin. It hurt. And Severus could almost see why he had cut his hand, to confuse him, so he could mark him without any protest. And he did a good job. Severus was extremely confused.

"Sit down Severus, the pain will go away in a few moments and I'm sure you can heal yourself." Severus nodded, sitting down in a chair nearby, while withdrawing his wand to heal his hand.

"Your loyalty is to me now. Understand that, and when I am displeased with you I will not hesitate to let you know." Severus decided not to ask what Tom or 'Voldemort' meant by this.

"Now come with me." Voldemort walked out of the room and Severus leapt up and followed, still healing his right hand, not wanting to be left behind in that room.

Severus followed Voldemort through many corridors and trap doors. In one particular corridor howls of what would be pain could be heard. Voldemort seemed to ignore this but Severus was disturbed by it. Walking with his eyes closed he studied the screams.. they were so familiar to him. The torched screams of a weary victim… it was so close to him. The pain.

And then they passed a man.

He was lying on the ground his black robes, convulsing in pain. There was blood on the floor around him and Severus observed it was coming from his mouth. 

Severus stopped but Voldemort kept on going.

"Whats wrong with him?" Severus knelt beside the man. Severus had never really been a caring person but sure as hell if that was him in a corridor, in that state, he wouldn't want to be ignored.

"He disobeyed me Severus. Now come" Voldemort stopped and spun around to see Severus. The man was still convulsing and as a result hitting his head against the wall and floor. Severus tried to stop this by holding him down.

"What is happening to him?" Severus demanded. Voldemort's eyes flashed at this display of disobedience and he hissed in reply.

"It's a curse. Consumption. Highly contagious and highly fatal. Can not be traced to magic. Now come away, you will catch it from him or I will gladly give it to you myself."

The man was coughing blood up all over Severus. Severus made an attempt to move away from the man but he grabbed onto to Severus and pulled his face down to his by Severus's collar.

"Don't trust  ... him."

Severus managed to tear himself away from the man, to follow Voldemort who got bored with the display and walked off.

Severus was covered in the man's  blood and he was later told the man was dead.

He heard Voldemort cursed people with all sorts of diseases, Tuberculosis and Ebola being the most popular. Mainly because no one could trace it back to magic. (Although Ebola looked suspicious because to many though and there weren't many outbreaks in Europe) Many were punished in this manor and as a result died a long and drawn out painful death.

Severus was scared sick, so much as breathing around a person with Tuberculosis (or better known as consumption) was life threatening and now he had been coughed and bleed all over. He now figured he'd have to wait and see if he contracted the disease. But after a few hours he forgot completely. Mostly because of the alcohol Lucius had been giving him.

After a night with Lucius and other slimy creatures from the underworlds Severus was more than ready to go home.

He sat Alone in his carriage on his way to Richmond, intending to meet up with his tutor there, staring at the mark on his left forearm. He had tried to wash it away, but some sort of sparkling ink had settled beneath his skin.

He now had something else to add to his long list of regrets.


	11. Sognare Meno il sonno

**Chapter 11-  Sognare Meno il sonno**

_(Dream Less Sleep)___

****

Severus stood at the entrance of the Great Hall.

"Well for god sake Severus, don't stand in the doorway, come on." 

Lucius walked ahead of him, grinning as he looked around the room.

"Coming coming." 

Severus too couldn't help smiling when he saw his own friends. 

Lily Evans squealed from across the room as Severus slowly walked in.

"I'll be back in a moment James..." Lily muttered as she slipped away from her boyfriend the famous James Potter. 

"Sev!!!!"

 Lily skidded across the room then caught Severus in a hug, earning a few scowls from teachers and students.

"Hello Lily." 

Severus said in a most amused tone of voice.

 Lily scoffed.

"Hello? Hello is all you can say to me after- how long has it been? Months?!" Lily patted her head girl badge in a very 'hint hint nudge nudge look what I am Sev' way.

"Don't over exaggerate Lily. Ah I see they have made you the ruler of the school for the year. Congratulations Lily." Severus paused then hugged her, which was unusual because he didn't really volunteer to hug.

"Thanks Sev…. verus." She quickly added the verus after seeing the look he gave her. She tended to overuse the nickname Sev.

"Look you had better go back to the Gryffindors, before Potter comes and mashes me into a wall, I thought I might save that for tomorrow."

 Severus said, his gaze wandering to his Slytherin friends that were gesturing for him to go over.

 Lily glanced back at her own friends and sighed in agreement. 

"Yes I suppose you are right. I'll meet you around the lake, 4-ish tomorrow ok? Good."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek and bounced away before he could comment.

"Long time and absolutely no see Snape!" Evans said as Severus strolled over.

"Indeed." He replied sharply before spotting Lucius who was grinning at the two, now clutching Narcissa.

"What are you grinning at? Oh Good evening Narcissa." Severus said, being a moron- because he could be.

 He took Narcissa's hand and kissed it. Lucius was quick to swat him away

"What is with the formalities Sev?" Narcissa freed herself from Lucius and embraced Severus in what was a rather long hug.

"Whats the matter?" He whispered as he saw Narcissa's smiled had disappeared as she clung to him, under the impression nobody could see.

"What is always the matter?" 

Lucius.

 She took her face away from his chest, the thickly painted smile back on her face. 

Aeolus sauntered up and greetings erupted from the growing group.

 Aeolus had with him Georgina Crighton, his newest girlfriend. He had only just broken up with Scarlet North Romatti, a girl from their group that Severus "dated" for 9 months, so naturally everyone was surprised to see him with this new girl. 

Aeolus and Severus edged away from the group.

"So did you enjoy your summer?"

"What sort of question is that?"

"A simple one Severus." Aeolus turned to face him better. "Okay, different question. How did the…. Death eater thing go?"

"I knew you'd do this!"

"Do what? I'm your friend I can be concerned about you can't I? You look like you've lost weight so whatever you were doing over the holidays can't have been good for you."

"I did nothing, everything went fine I am still alive aren't I?" Aeolus raised both eye brows and considered this for a moment.

"Well you may be alive but you certainly don't look it."

 Severus narrowed his eyes as Aeolus strolled back to Georgina.

~~**~~

" Sevvy!... Ouch, sorry oops didn't see you there."Severus looked around the crowd.

"I'm here Sevvy, no over here. Get out of my way Lucius." 

"Sorry….."

"You should be… Ah hello Cissa.. No….. Sevvy! Look this way!" Severus scanned again.

"Akira!" Severus moved again away from the crowd. Akira Black beamed at him before pouncing on him.

"I haven't seen you ages Severus!"

"It hasn't been that long…"

"Well it feels like ages and look at you…. Your hair is longer… and you are taller. You seem to have grown up over the holidays" Akira hugged him. A lot of people seemed to be hugging him.

"Like wise... oh... look the first years are coming in moment, Shall we sit down?."

~~**~~

"I was afraid you went to France without telling me."

"I wouldn't do that Akira, and you should know well enough, I hate France…. Filthy place"

"Funny. So where were you? Brighton? You never wrote back to me. Bad boy!."

"For a little while yes.Oh sorry did you write me a letter?... I never got it" He trailed off lying through his teeth.

"My holidays were pretty boring. Sirius was driving me out of my mind and I saw plenty of that bloody Potter. I sent plenty of owls to you, but obviously you didn't get them. I saw Narcissa, and I saw Lucius but I didn't get to catch up with you. I suppose you missed out on all the gossip then. Well Gina decided to ask Aeolus out which was a shock and Evan's parents divorced. Sevvy? Are you listening to me? Sevvy?"

Akira reached across the table and poked Severus with her fork. Severus has been staring up the table for the latter part of his conversation with Akira, at Morganna Montague.

_ I wish you would get over it Severus_

He'd been watching her share a joke with Narcissa, straining to hear her musical laughter and light voice.

_Far too good for the likes of you.___

"Yes I'm listening…"

 He said almost sadly as he went back to staring down at his food.

"You know you seem very distant Severus. If there is something the matter you can tell me." Akira smiled brightly at Severus. Severus looked up at her.

"Thank you Akira. I'll keep that in mind."

~~**~~

Akira had always been simply the most elegant of the Slytherin group Severus had belonged to for the past 6 years. She was tall and elegant with her long blood red hair and icy blue eyes. Very beautiful to look at and surprisingly actually very smart. She had gained place in Lucius Malfoy's group by attitude. Many others gained place by their name or wealth, but it was her attitude. Severus gained his place by name, wealth and intelligence. The attitude was something that developed over time for him.

 Akira was lovely to a select few but otherwise she was particularly nasty. A lot of people gave her grief over being Sirius Black's sister.

And just for the record they were usually very sorry afterwards.

A lot of people looked at Severus Snape and Akira Black and wondered what exactly was going on between them. Sometimes they were very close, arm in arm, hand in hand. 

Sharing a joke in the corridor or secret, her lips lingering close to his ear both shooting glances with private looks on their faces.

And sometimes they would be arguing in the dungeons. Sometimes they appeared to be just friends and other times appeared to be much more.

Severus Snape didn't know what was going on between them. And neither did Akira Black

~~**~~

"Could you go any slower Potter?"

"I could try."

"Could we start the year off on a good foot? Starting with you getting the hell out of my way."

"No. Did you enjoy your holidays Snape?"

"Yeah Snape. Did you have fun?"

"Loads of Fun Black, now please cease to inconvenience me further- no actually cease to exist would be nice "

"Big talk for such a small Snake."

Severus, James and Sirius stood in the Entrance Hall as students poured out of the Great Hall. Severus looked as though he was going to kill someone, James looked the same.

"Severus!" Lucius stopped at the stairs down to the dungeons and called for him.

"I'd be careful this year Potter."

"Is that a threat?"

"Severus!" Lucius called again

"Go without me…"

"Yes we are busy Malfoy.I'm sure Snape doesn't need to hold your hand"

"Excuse me." Lucius sneered.

 Severus groaned softly as Lucius walked over.

Akira had been standing close by, watching her brother and his friend hold Severus up.

"Problem gentlemen?" Her merry voice floated over to them, as did she.

She floated up in front of Severus and kissed him.

James's jaw hit the ground

Sirius was almost sick.

Lucius's eyebrows flew off his face.

"Oh my god… no... Akira stop! … James…. My sister." Sirius stumbled off followed by James.

Lucius was rocking from foot to foot lightly, clearing his throat.

"Okay they are gone…."

Severus seemed to be enjoying this. 

Lucius was wondering how long they could keep going for.

 Akira needed to take a breath.

"Severus… Akira, you can stop… they've g- Oh For god sake stop!!!"

They broke the kiss and Akira started giggling. Severus froze.

"Well…. done Akira…"

"I know." Akira floated over to Narcissa and they both started giggling. Lucius scowled

 "See you in the common room Sev." She called over her shoulder.

Severus was still frozen to the spot.

Lucius seized his arm and started dragging. 

"I really don't know what is wrong with these girls. Would you wipe that grin off your face please?! Sickening!"

~**~

Severus lay on the Slytherin common room floor the next afternoon, doing some leisurely reading. Or so the Slytherin head had thought the last time he had come around to tell everyone to be quiet.

Tomii sat near him, a sea of notes sitting around her.

"Hey Severus, I didn't see you there on... the… floor."

"That's why I was on it." He said sitting up with a grin.

"Oh dear lord, please Severus help me, only one school day and I have so much history homework. Do you know the year the Great Goblin Rebellion of 1652 was in?"

"Oh, I don't know. This is just a wild guess as I don't pay much attention in history, but could it be 1652? I could be wrong." Severus lay back down, this time on his back so he could look up at her. Tomii thought for a moment then cursed.

"Sorry … I'm so stupid…Oh I'm Sorry Severus. I'm just so stressed." She put her head in her hands and he sat up again.

"Don't worry happens to us all, bloody teachers."

"Yes I suppose." She nodded then looked up at him. "Where is Lucius? You are usually with him."

"I don't know. Whats the time?"

"4:13… why, where are you going? Oh never mind..."

Severus dashed out of the Slytherin common room, and then ducked back in to retrieve his cloak.

~**~

"Aha! The snake approaches! Where the hell have you been?"

"Lost track of the time Lily sorry."

"Well step into my office,  take a seat, make yourself at home"

Severus sat down by Lily. They always managed to meet by the lake. Sometimes by plan sometimes by dumb luck.

They sat silent for a few moments as Severus skipped various rocks across the lake.

"I can tell when something is the matter Severus. We are usually able to tell each other everything."

Severus was silent

Lily stared out across the lake.

"I'll torture it out of you. Your hair is looking unusually long you know…"

"Fine! What do you want me to tell you?"

"That you were miserable without me, and cannot spend another day without me." Lily said dramatically."Or perhaps not. I know… tell me about Akira. What is going on there hm? Hm? Hm?" Lily nudged him continuously and he gave her the tiniest peak of a smile.

"I honestly I don't know. I'm very confused about that so… just don't ask…."

"Oohh Severus Snape confused. That's a first." She looked at him. Obviously her efforts to get a laugh out of him were futile. She was usually able to get even Severus Snape to laugh.

They sat silently together for a few moments more.

"You know Lily, it was really horrible. I think I've just made the biggest mistake of my life."

She knew instantly what he was talking about.

He closed his eyes and she put her arms around him.

~~**~~

"Severus are you paying attention?"

"I haven't the slightest clue what you are talking about, but yes I'm paying attention Lucius."

"Well." Lucius spread out a map of Hogwarts before them. "You know how I was telling you, when the Mark on your arm- the Dark Mark-"

"I know what it's called- Idiot" Severus snapped.

"Some one is moody."

"No just tired."

"Anyway, when it burns, he is calling us to him and it's imperative that we go. So I have devised a plan to get us out of Hogwarts…"

"Without getting caught?"

"Let me finish Severus!.......... I've forgotten what I was going to say."

"Get on with it."

"There is a locked corridor here. Do you see? We can try and figure out the counter curse to the charm that is locking it."

"We?"

"You"

"Excuse me Lucius. This is not my idea."

"Okay fine, I will figure that out. Anyway we follow this corridor and it should take us to this flight of stairs then out a tunnel to the school grounds. Do you see, just there "  
"I wonder what else goes out that tunnel."

"It's not a sewerage pipe Severus. You are safe"

"Oh I'm going to sleep much better tonight."

"Anyway there is a path here between some trees and the forbidden forest. The keeper of the keys lives just down there and would probably see you cross. If so climb these trees."

"I'm no orangatan. I do not climb trees."

"I've had a look, its safe. The trees don't bite and one of the branches extends right into the forest so all you have to do is hop off."

"Yes I'll just jump off and break my neck, no problem Lucius." Severus reached out and clipped Lucius around the head. "You idiot."

"Or for the girls like you, there is a tree you can climb down. Then we go a little further into the forest..."

"Further? This is the forbidden forest we are talking about. Its called Forbidden Forest, because it's forbidden, that's why we don't go in." Severus started to chuck bits of paper into the fire in the Slytherin common room as Lucius groaned at him.

"..Anyway a little further is a port key. And that's how we get to Master. And come back the same way. OK?"

"Whatever I'm going to bed." Severus picked the map up, screwed it up and threw into the fire before disappearing off to his dormitory.

"Andare marcire nell'inferno Lucius Malfoy."

~~**~~  
  


Lucius Malfoy, Aeolus De Salis and Evans Rosier slept soundly, but one lay half asleep, tossing and turning.

The silence was broken by coughs, one after the other.

On Severus Snape's pillow specks of blood could be seen.

But he was unaware in his dreamless sleep.


	12. Akira and Severus?

Lucius Malfoy sat up staring at his friend.

He hadn't meant to do it. But Severus just wouldn't listen to him. He never listened to him. Or took him seriously for that matter. Severus seemed to always be putting him down and looking down upon him. Well he had had enough. This was his one opportunity to gain some sort of power, some sort of importance and he had chosen Severus to share it with him. 

But Severus treated the whole thing like a big joke. 

Lucius's face became hot and he clenched his fists.

It wasn't his fault.

Yes.

Severus was asking for it.

But Severus had his back turned.

It was *not* his fault!

Lucius was the one who raised the wand.

-------------------------------"Consumo."------------------------------------

Severus didn't even know a great blow had been dealt to his body.

~~**~~

"Severus! Psst."

"Is there something you want to share with the class De Salis?"

"No Professor."

"Well keep working on that write up."

"Yes Professor."

Aeolus screwed up and piece of parchment and threw it at Severus who was sitting across the room with Lucius as per usual. 

The Potions Master didn't see this- Thank god for them. 

Severus looked around in irritation. 

He had had hardly any sleep in a week.

Damned Cold!

He scowled at Aeolus before continuing with his work. He wasn't able to concentrate and the damned write up for the last potion practical was due at the end of the lesson.

He muttered softly.

"damn.. what's that other name for aconite…"

"Monkshood." Lucius whispered softly in reply. Seeing as he was talking to himself Severus was rather surprised that he got an answer.

****

_"Sorry Lily I was just talking to myself again. First sign of insanity."  
"No no Severus, everyone talks to themselves. Its when you start getting answers that you should worry."_

****

"Snape perhaps you would like to go to the hospital wing?"

"No Professor."

"Well then don't come to my class in such an appalling condition in future."

"Yes Professor."

Severus was sure he didn't look that bad. Apart from the sleep obvious sleep deprivation he thought he looked relatively healthy. But it's funny how some people see themselves completely different from how everyone else sees them. Whether it be good or bad. 

Lucius looked guilty

~~**~~

"I wonder what is for lunch."

Severus threw his books down on the Slytherin table and sat down. Aeolus was a little more elegant with his movements but did the same as Severus.

"You were tossing and coughing all night last night Severus. We were thinking about tying you down and gagging you but.."

"Who is we?"

"Evan and myself. Lucius was awake for 2 minutes then he dropped off again."  
"Nice to know he is concerned about me."  
"But you claim there is nothing to be concerned about."

"Its true. I was being sarcastic."  
"Oh ."

They scanned the range of food before them.

Severus flipped open his books and began working as Aeolus helped himself to everything in his sight.  
"I wouldn't eat that De Salis. It is probably home to every bacteria in exsistence. Even the undiscovered ones."

Aeolus peered down at some pieces of cold chicken on his plate.

"Thanks Snape. And I was hungry too." Aeolus pushed away his plate after grabbing a piece of bread off it."What are you doing?"

"Tranfigurations Homework. I completely forgot last night."

Aeolus jumped up."I completely forgot full stop! I'm going to get my books I'll be back."

Severus didn't say anything in reply.

"Hello Sevvy."

It was Akira Black.

She had draped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his hair.

"Ah." Severus shut his Transfigurations textbook book and placed his quill down alongside it. "Just the person I was hoping to talk to."

"Really? I feel special. Everyone wants to converse with me today." She flashed a bright smile at Severus and slid down next to him. He forced a small laugh.

_Morganna I was hoping we co- I almost called her Morganna._

"Yes Akira I was hoping we could talk about what happened at the start of term. I've been thinking and this and I'm beginning to wonder-"

"If there is anything between us?"

_She is a mind reader…I hope she isn't_

"I was going to put it differently but yes."

Akira looked off into the distance and Severus stared at the cover of his transfigurations textbook.

"What do you think Severus?"

_I think there is_

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking."

She smiled faintly and got up.

His eyes followed her.

She leant over and kissed his cheek then strolled off.

~~**~~

"Hey there Akira."

"Aeolus"

"Something the matter Severus?"

"No."

Severus completed his homework and handed it to Aeolus to copy, without a word.

"Where are you going? Fine ignore me."

~~**~~

Severus stood by the lake where he went often to dwell and brood alone. 

His black hair fell in his face and he made no attempt to move it. 

He wondered if life was this unfair to everyone else- just as confusing as it was to him. 

"Severrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruss!"

Severus looked up.

_Lily_

A Lily was flying in his general direction from the castle.

He went back to gazing over the lake.

"Good afternoon Evans."

Lily ran at him and didn't stop, instead she barrelled right into him and knocked  him over.

Severus laughed as Lily hugged him.   
"Sorry if I hurt you but.. I got you to laugh!!!"

"Yes I'm badly wounded now Lily." Severus played dead and Lily very suddenly became very serious.

"Sev?!" She shook him and he opened one eye.

"What?" This prompted Lily to whack him hard on the arm.

 "Prat! I though you were serious!"

Lily rolled over and sat up. 

"Lily when am I, Severus Snape ever serious?!"

"Erm, All the time?"

"Correct."

"So what is your point?"

"My point is I don't have one!!"

Lily whacked him again.

"Well then Severus that's the point I've been trying to point out for years, but that's not the point."

"Right… Enough of this banter. What are you doing here?"

"Me? I'm about to torture what is wrong out of you."

"Why does everyone seem to think there is something wrong? I am quietly minding my own business,thinking and everyone thinks I'm going to attempt to drown myself in the lake."

"Yes I heard a rumour like that. Are you?"

Severus glared and Lily threw her hands up. "I'm kidding Severus."

"Well if you tell me whats on your mind I'll tell you whats on mine."

"Lily, I don't even want to know what is on your mind."

"Please?!"

"Okay I'll tell you something or rather ask- Why are you girls so confusing."

"Women thank you very much!"

"Okay women , not girls."

"What do you mean?"

"Akira, she confuses me. First she throws herself onto me and then she hardly talks to me."

"I don't know what is her problem, I've never liked her personally."

"No I'm not saying she is a bad person or anything- she just confuses me."

"Maybe she is playing with your delicate little mind Sev."

"I have to get away from it all. Move to India and change my name to Sevlin Snake."

Lily laughed and shook her head.

"You are definitely someone I'm going to miss when we graduate Severus Snape."

~~~**~~~

Severus ran along the hallways on his way to the library.

"I'm late, I'm late" He muttered.

Tomii was walking in the opposite direction.

"Ah! Thomasina!" He said as he ran past.

"Tomii!" She yelled back. He turned and attempted at running backwards so he could face her.

"The Great Goblin rebellion was in 1612, not 1652." He grinned and turned around again and she muttered as he ran off.

~~**~~

"Ebony. Sorry I'm late."

"Nice to see you could actually bring yourself to come this time."

"I was busy last time, I have more important things to do instead of intervening with a Gryffindor's potion brewing abilities. I still say just because you can't pass potions doesn't mean the potions Master can take this out of the rest of us."

"I'm not happy about this either. You know how humiliating this is being tutored? And by a Slytherin of all people."

"Well you are the one failing here so you can't be choosy about who tutors you. Furthermore be grateful I'm wasting my time with you, seeing as you as so far beyond help."

"Well I know who I'm voting as prat of the year. Sorry that you've had to take your head out of your arse to help me Snape."

He glared death at her and she could feel it piercing her skin.

_I'd love to kill you_

"What were we revising last?"

"You mean last time- you actually turned up"

_Brat_

"Stop being so childish."

"We were doing ingredient compatibility."

_I was doing ingredient compatibility, you were sleeping_

"Aha did you read the chapter of the text book I told you to to?"

"You didn't tell me to read anything!"

_Lazy little…._

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't"

"Yes I did"

"no you didn't"

"I remember completely and I do recall telling you to read chapter 6"

"No! You didn't"

"Yes I did"

"You did not!"

"I did to!"

"You did not! I'm sure!"

"I did!"

"You didn't"

"I did!"

"didn't!"

"did!"

"didn't!"

"Stop contradicting me!"

"I'm not.."

"You are!!!!!!"

"I'm not!"

"Argh stop! Just read it now then"

"Alright! Jeez!"

Severus had been asked at the start of the year to tutor Ebony Moon in potions because of her poor grades. They weren't in the same class as Severus had gone into Advanced Potions unit 8 while Ebony was still on intermediate unit 6. 

They had been at each others throats every session they had together.

Ebony was no better off.

And Severus was just crankier.

But sometimes, sometimes they could be friends. Only for about 3 seconds but they agreed on a lot. Shared the same point of view.

But she was a Gryffindor and a mighty annoying one at that. He had no intention of developing any sort of friendship with her.

"I don't get any of this."

_Dumbarse___

"Then read it again!"

"I've read it a million times"

_Incredibly Dumb Arse_

"Well then make it a million and one times."

"I've read it a billion times Snape! I still don't understand."  
"you have not!"

"I have to."

"you have not!"  
"I have not!

"Have not!"

"have to!"

"Read it again"

"fine!"

They were forever contradicting each other.

That is one of the main reasons they got no where.

~~**~~

"And I'm trying to talk Dumbledore into allowing us to have a ball." 

"… he is going to be the end of Hogwarts I swear!"  
"Don't be mean!He will make a great Headmaster"

"Anyway what is this ball for?"

"Nothing! That's the best bit."

 "A ball for no reason. Where is the logic in that? Plus why weren't the prefects consulted?"

"Well who doesn't want a ball?"

"Me for a start."

"Well apart from you."

Lily and Severus were strolling along the corridors of Hogwarts, idly chatting as they stalked peeves lazily.

"I still think it's a bad idea."

"Why? It's a chance to socialize with the other houses, you know… School spirit!"

"Lily everyone knows what happens at these balls. It's a chance for everyone to 'hook up' and before you know it the prefects' council will be working on setting up a day care centre."

"Don't be disgusting Severus!"

"Its true. This was James's idea wasn't it?"

Lily gasped and hit Severus-hard.

"You stop talking like that this instant Severus Snape."

"Yes mother."

"That's better. I think it's a good idea."

"Well at least one of us does.. Ow!"

~~**~~

The Slytherin watched Severus and Lucius argue all dinner.

_'Their' group sat up the far end of the table watching and listening to the debate._

Narcissa was sitting in between Severus and Aeolus.

"Stop them before they kill each other 'Lus"

"Sorry Cissa, just not my place."

Lucius was too big headed to admit he was wrong and Severus was too childish to stop without proving he was right. 

Akira decided to be the voice of reason.

"Lucius shut up before I force feed you mash potatos. And I'm not talking about via your mouth. Severus shut up before I cut your hair unevenly and give you a fringe!"

Severus shut up mid sentence and Lucius stood up a dangerous glare forming on his pointed little face.

"Did you just threaten me Black."

"I believe I did yes. Well actually no that's just how you took it." She smiled and went back to eating. Lucius took out his wand.

"You stupid little rat. Just like your brother aren't you. You belong in Gryffindor with the other riff –raff"

"How dare you Malfoy, they aren't riff raff at all!" At this point Akira was standing.

"They are the same as us just with different qualities, beliefs and goals. So don't go masking your jealously with insults Malfoy. It just makes you lower in my sight."

"And how would how I appear in your sight concern me?"

"Well obviously you don't care that people think you are an evil basterd, a worshiper of the darkarts and follower of Voldemort" She hissed softly.

"You little Bitch." Lucius raised his wand but it flew out of his hand. Severus was now standing too.

"What were you planning to do Malfoy? Kill her?"

"That's right Severus defend her choose her over your best friend."

"What are you talking about?"

Lucius sat down and Severus stared at him trying to figure out what he had meant.

He too sat down after Akira and that end of the table ate their meals in silence.

~~**~~

  
  


"Lucius! Wait."

Narcissa Ran after Lucius who left in a flash after finishing his meal.

Aeolus wandered off with Gina as he talked with Evan.

The students poured out of the Great hall.

Severus got up and wandered out heading to descend the staircase to the dungeons with the other Slytherins.

"Severus!"

He spun around, one foot resting on the top step of the stairs.

Akira stood there, looking nervous.

"Would you walk with me? … Please?"

She held out the cloak that he had left in the Great Hall.

She smiled weakly and he returned the smile as he walked over to take his cloak off her.

"Alright"

~~**~~

  
"It was good of you to defend me like that. I mean I thought you were going to take his side of the argument"

"I know Lucius, he does stupid spur of the moment things that he regrets later. I was doing both of you a favour I suppose."

"He got so touchy when I mentioned Voldemort, I didn't really mean it but his reaction…"

Severus glanced around and then lead her into a small classroom they used to use to keep creatures for DADA practicals before they banned it.

_I should tell her, she is so loyal to me, and right. I have to tell her_

"The truth is… And you mustn't tell anyone. Not a soul. Not even god…. He is a Death Eater."

"I thought so.."

Severus threw his cloak back a bit , unbuttoned the cuffs of his left sleeve and pulled his sleeve back to reveal the ugly black mark there on his skin.

"And so am i."

Akira stared and blinked for sometime.

Definitely not the reaction he was expecting. But it was better than _'OH MY GOD… he is an evil death eater ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!'._

She reached out and traced a finger over the mark.

"Severus….."

"Don't…"

"But why…?"

"Don't…"

He pulled his sleeve down and she stared at him with icy blue eyes.

"Did you.. want to be?"

Severus paused for a moment and asked himself the same question.

"No…"

Akira suddenly threw her arms around his neck.

"That is fine then…"

Severus who wasn't a very physical contacty person patted her back and stood rigid.

~~**~~

They walked until they found themselves in the Slytherin common room. 

Akira started up the steps to her dormitory. _They put the common room underground and yet our dorms are at ground level she mused._

"Akira!" Severus called her softly, half not wanting her to hear him.

"Yes Severus."

She turned around and waited for him to say something. But he didn't need to.

She came back down the steps and stopped in front of him.

They stared at each other for moment.

_ Don't do it Severus. This is the worst possible thing you could do short of throwing yourself into a pit of werewolves._

Severus Snape embraced Akira Black in a kiss.

And all confusion about what was going on between them was removed.

Many minutes passed before they finally let each other go.

Then they retired to bed.

~~**~~

_Nights passed. Weeks passed too_

~~**~~

"How long has he been like that?"  
"I don't know I just woke up and he was like that then."

Severus Snape's bedsheets lay twisted and tangled on the floor and he lay on his bed, coughing- not asleep, but not awake.

The sun had not risen.

Lucius sat on his bed watching-guiltly-

Evans was off getting some water.

Narcissa was sitting on Severus's bed questioning Aeolus.

Aeolus was standing around Severus's bed

And worst of all Madam Pomfrey was on her way.

~~**~~

"Narcissa Go back to your Dorm."

"Yes Madam"

"De Salis, Rosier. Get back to bed! You too Malfoy."

~~**~~


	13. Fading

Akira and Severus stood in the Great Hall together, near the Slytherin table. Akira was leaning against Severus who had his arms wrapped around her. They looked quite comfortable together. It was now common knowledge in Slytherin that they were indeed a couple. Whether it was love or some sort of 'fling' as some called it was questionable to most. Severus didn't seem to be the sort of person for love and Akira did use her looks to her advantage a lot.

It was rumoured she used her 'womanly charm' as Lucius so sickeningly described it, to prevent a Ravenclaw prefect for giving her over to Filch(who hated the Blacks thanks to her dear brother's adventures with James Potter) when she was caught sneaking out. The reason she was sneaking out was never really confirmed but rather speculated about.

But then again there were a lot of rumours about both Akira Black and Severus Snape floating around.

"I heard you were really sick last night Severus."

"Yes" He answered shortly. He didn't like attention unlike some people. 

"Were you?" Akira looked up at him questioningly.

"Yes I was. I'm alright now.  Just an overly large headache." He lied in his most innocent tone of voice.

"But Narcissa said when she was there last night you were coughing non-stop." Akira argued. 

"Narcissa was in my dorm last night? I'm sure her and Lucius wer- "

"No-They weren't- Evan went and got her. And he said after she left and Madam Pomfrey was there that you were vomiting."

"I think they are making all this up. I don't remember any of that."

Akira shrugged and settled back into the reassuring warmth of his arms.

But Severus suddenly remembered something and let her go. 

"Severus?!" She whirled around to face him unsure of what he was going to do next. zigzaging her arm across his chest she repeated his name and then suddenly he took a step away from Akira and dashed out of the hall without any indication of where he was going or what he was doing, 

Akira crossed her arms and looked around dangerously. Most of the students occupying the Slytherin table were staring curiously at the embarrassed girl. 

She'd sort him out for leaving her there like that.

Lily Evans had been watching.

~~**~~

"Severus?"

Severus had been pulling books out of the shelves in the library as Lily entered.

She didn't get an answer.

"Severus what are you doing. What is going on."

"I'm ill Lily" Severus said as he reached for a book from the top shelf before proceeding to throw it down on a desk causing a resounding thud that made Lily jump.. "and I don't know why…" 

Lily watched him. 

She didn't understand. 

He had her totally and utterly confused.

 He never admitted there was anything wrong with him. He was usually stubborn or arrogant but never as open as he was then. 

Maybe she had caught him off guard……

"But I'm about to find out." He muttered as he opened the book.

"You know Severus I've probably got better things to do with my Saturday like go and annoy Jamsie or Remie….. But you have me damned curious." She sat down and watched him. "Now start from the beginning."

Severus looked up at Lily. He looked irritated. He wondered whether to give her the hint to 'shove off' or just conceal his sudden irritation at her.

"Okay. Remember I told you about the day I was marked so to speak.?"

"Yes…"

"Remember I told you about the man who died?"

"Yes…."

"I came into contact with him. Vold- My master told me that it was highly contagious and now I have all the symptoms of…….." He turned a page of the book.

Lily gasped softly and finished his sentence. "Consumption…."

He rolled his eyes. He was under the impression Lily loved drama. How like her to gasp and finish his sentence like that.

"Precisely….." He made a small exclamation of triumph as he found the page he was looking for.

"Here look Lily."

Lily snatched the book off him and read.

"Consumption, or tuberculosis, is a disease caused by bacteria called _Mycobacterium tuberculosis._  The bacteria can attack any part of your body, they usually attack the lungs…….But can attack kidneys, spinal cord and brain."

Lily paused as she scanned the page.

"hmmm, ah! Tuberculosis is spread through the air from one person to another.  The bacteria are put into the air when a person with the Tuberculosis disease of the lungs or throat coughs or sneezes.  People nearby may breathe in these bacteria and become infected."

Lily turned the page and scanned for more relevant information.

"Tuberculosis bacteria become active if the immune system can't stop them from growing.  The active bacteria begin to multiply in the body and cause disease.  Some people develop the Tuberculosis disease soon after becoming infected, before their immune system can fight the Tuberculosis bacteria.  Other people may get sick later, when their immune system becomes weak for some reason. Hmm no that's not

important.. eh I won't read that out.. Oh! Babies and young children often have weak immune systems."

Lily paused. That twinkle in her eye indicated to Severus an insult was going to follow.

"Well that's you the isn't it Severus?. A big baby boy with a weak immune system."

Severus scowled the best he could. A scowl especially reserved for Lily Evans.

"Severus, you give me the chills when you stare at me like that. Please don't. You made me lose my place! Ah here we go-. Ahem. Other people can have weak immune systems, too, especially people with any of these conditions . Hmm Substance abuse- well you don't drink do you Severus?"

"No… well not much."

"Don't lie- I've seen you down at hogsmeade…"

"Yes alright.."

"You Mr. Alcoholic Anonymous. One tequila-two tequila-three tequila- Floor! Oops 'ee passed out again!."

"Yes alright Lily you proved your point. But my alcohol intake this year would hardly do the amount of damage to my immune system as they talk about here. Just keep reading."

"Why do I have to do the reading Severus?"

"Because I'm doing the thinking- something _you would find hard to do."_

" … right Severus .diabetes mellitus?."

"I don't have diabetes, well last time I checked I didn't have diabetes."

"silicosis?"

"No."

"Cancer of the head or neck?"

"No!"

"Hodgkin's disease?"

"I do not think so!"

"Severe kidney disease?"

"No."

"Aha! Don't deny this one. Low body weight."

"My body weight is fine thank you."

"Mm hmm.Hey look under this is symptoms."

"Read it out."   

 Lily cleared her throat.

"Symptoms of Tuberculosis or Consumption depend on where in the body the Tuberculosis bacteria are growing.  Tuberculosis bacteria usually grow in the lungs.  Tuberculosis of lungs may cause- A bad cough lasting longer than 2 weeks. ..Severus?"

Severus looked particularly pensive for a moment. "Yes. Keep going."

 "Pain in the chest. Coughing up blood or sputum. God that sounds nasty."

"Thank you for that analytic comment Lily."

"No problems Severus. There are more symptom things here should I go on?."

"Please don't I'm depressed enough."

"Don't worry Severus you probably don't even have it. You are just paranoid.

There is a bit here about muggle medicines to fight the disease and there is magical medicine- a potion is here. Doesn't look too hard."

Severus sat there silent while lily read some more.

"You know I bet I could make this potions, provided I had the time and ingredients.. it reminds me of… no I won't tell you that…" After a while she looked up, propping her head up with her elbow as she eyed him.

"You can't get sick Severus. First Morganna and now you, I can't ha-"

Severus's gaze snapped up to her. Lily squealed and clasped her hands to her mouth.

"What did you say!"

"Nothing!.I said absolutely nothing, I think you are sick because, because.. because your hearing things- yes you are . Lets go to madam Pomfrey right now. Actually lets not. Its such a nice day don't you think! Absolutely beautiful day!"

"…… Its raining Lily."

"I knew that, yes the rain is beautiful, lets go dance in it." 

She stood up and bounced about unknowingly letting it show that she was nervous about something.

He stood up and rounded on her.

She gulped.

He was so much taller than him.

It wasn't fair!

"Don't lie Lily.. what did you say." He said calmly.

"I said you can't get sick. you can't leave me here!."

"You did not say that. You said something about Morganna."

"Alright I did, but I can't tell you anything else alright? Its none of your business." 

"Lily! Morganna is my friend too."

"Yes and if she wanted you to know she would have told you herself."

"Told me what?"

"Severus please don't, .."

Severus had began to sulk. Lily crossed her arms suddenly looking severe.

"Severus, don't you dare get sulky. I have a nice sharp pair of scissors back in my dormitory. I'm sure we both don't want me to have to use them…" 

~~**~~

Severus looked at his calendar.

_Perfect. Why is this year going so slow?... this is my punishment for not going to the family reunion last year isn't it God?... Where is that book. ..Oh god what is that doing in here. Better get rid of that in case Narcissa comes in here… other wise Lucius is a dead man. Hello, what the hell is this? Oh too much information… I'll just .. throw this out._

Severus searched the room for his journal finding a few –interesting- things along. He and his roommates had become fully aware over the past 2 weeks that Lucius had been bringing girls into their dorm. None of which were Narcissa. Severus decided to be ignorant of all nocturnal activities in their dorm apart from sleeping- with only ones self. Which was rather hard when he kept finding stray bits of underclothing, undeniably those of a female, strewn about on their floor.

_This place would be unacceptable to a dung beetle that had lost interest in his career and really let himself go. Somebody ought to do the laundry. I'm sure I left my journal here…… What the hell is that?!_

 Severus sighted something mould covered and unmistakably beating. "That's it!" Severus headed out of his dorm moodily and down into the common room to find the owner of the mould creature on his dormitory floor. 

All he saw was Tomii.

She saw him… and jumped.

"S-s-s-severus you gave me a fright!"

"I'm sorry T-t-t-tomii. Wouldn't have seen Aeolus or Evan around?"

"I saw Rosier, I can't say I've seen- what was his name?"

"Aeolus."

"Oh yes. Haven't seen him."

"Oh I see." Severus turned muttering, trying to think of where he could locate them given the time of day. Tomii took immediate advantage of this and jumped on the sofa, ontop of none other than the journal of Severus Snape. 

Severus turned sensing her sudden movement and his eyes landed on a loose piece of paper, lying on the floor. 

Tomii's heart stopped. Severus was famous for his tempers and his unforgiving nature and Tomii could just feel her life expectancy dropping.

He recognized the hand the writing was written in. It was his own. In a voice of forced calm he inquired.

"Tomii is that yours?" 

Tomii laughed weakly as she quickly slid his journal beneath a cushion before diving for the paper. Severus however was quicker. He retrieved the paper first.

"What.. heh fast reflexes you have Severus."

"So you say this is yours… But its written in my hand writing…. How very peculiar."

"Ha! We have so much in common our handwriting being so similar and all…"

"So this is a page from.. your diary then?"

"Oh yes.." She made a swipe for the paper and missed as Severus held it high out of reach.

"Hmm it seems to be retelling the events of… my day."

"Oh yes I watch you sometimes…."

"Stalking me now?"

"Oh yes… all the time…"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "How strange you seem to have written this from my perspective. Now how could you accomplish that unless you were me."

Tomii gave up." Okay okay.. its from your journal."

"So you were reading my journal!?" He advanced on her.

"Yes… oh but I didn't read much.. just a page.. or two."

"Where is it?" He hissed. He felt very threatened by the notion of some one else reading his thoughts.

Tomii took it slowly out from under the sofa cushions then chucked at him before commencing a mad dash for the door.

Severus snorted in amusement.

_Poor girl… thought I was going to kill her._

He slipped back into his dormitory.

……

Breathing hardened and slowed while vision failed him.

The ground slipped from beneath his feet and he fell to the ground with a resounding thud.

And thus all movement ceased apart from the tiny trickle of blood making its way from the very edge of Severus's mouth to the ground as gravity made it do.

~**~

'_You hair is so long and beautiful Severus. Would you like me to brush it?'_

_'Don't baby him Angele…'_

~**~

The door creaked open a tiny bit and the harmonious voice of Akira floated in.

"Severus why did you go like that…. Severus!"


	14. Dark Entries

**Chapter 14- Dark Entries***

(*Dark entries also happens to be the name of a gothic nightclub in Brunswick street. Fun)

October 6th 1987

There really isn't much to do in the hospital wing but write. Akira came to see me at lunch. She brought my journal with her so I may as well write in it. I'm ill. Not like I've ever been before. I'm really ill…. And I think its… fatal ill. 

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I've lost all sense of reality I think. I couldn't remember the date and I've lost 3 days of my life that I may never have again. Akira has been really supportive. She was here when I went to sleep last night, as handicapped as I was. She had her head rested on my pillow and she was singing a familiar lullaby in Hebrew.

_Al slosha, Al alosha d' varim a yo lam ka yam…*_

I can't remember now but I think she was crying. Not for me because I was reasonably fine apart from the fact I was so far out of it I was basically in a different country. I don't know, I've been so caught up in my own affairs that I haven't taken time to take heed of what is happening to everyone else. Something is going on with Akira, Something is going on with Lily, something is going on with Morganna, something is going on with Lucius and etc. Maybe after a week I'll recover and get my self in order again. Then I can go back to being the old Severus Snape.

Mmm, I can just remember him, the way he looked, the way he talked…. The way he acted. Yes vague as it I remember.

Playing around with ideas.  What will I do after I leave? I have to grow up pretty fast.

 I don't know why but I was thinking about my mother this morning.

Angele … Ange…….Angel

The French word for Angelic…. Angelique

I though I might name my daughter that, heaven forbid I should have children.

4 words to describe me at the moment?

Dark and broody, sad and moody.

Mmm, 

Dead. A dead boy writing a dead entry in his dead journal.

Entries of the dead.

I amuse myself.

Putting a spell on my journal so no one else can open it. I trust Akira didn't read it. She wouldn't have done something like that. But I can't risk it again.

Severus Snape

6:23 pm

October 7th 1987

Madam Pomfrey tells me I will be well enough to return to the dorms soon. 

I have a feeling I missed the first unit of Advanced Potions 9. 

I hate hard work… especially when I have to teach myself how to do it. But hey, I taught myself how to do up my own shoelaces. I'm sure I'll manage this.

Akira didn't come to see me today. Well she did very early in the morning but I wasn't awake. An advantage of being sick-à I can sleep in.

I should do this more often.

Severus Snape

9:45pm

October 12th 1987

I had latent Tuberculosis from early July to early September. Until mysteriously it developed into the disease Tuberculosis or Consumption by the activation of the bacteria Mycobacterium tuberculosis in my lungs.

Absolutely fucking wonderful.

With the use of effective muggle drugs Rifampin or isoniazid I should be cured of it pretty quickly. I have to take a potion Impedio fusus to hinder the contagiousness of the disease.

I feel very- chemical-ish for lack of better word.

I have a really bad headache. Absolutely non related to the disease though it is… it kills.

Severus Snape

3:30pm

October 13th 1987

Madam Pomfrey let me out on the 10th.

Akira was overjoyed to see me... I was overjoyed to see her.

I love Akira.

She has been upset about something but she won't tell me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lying together on a sofa in the deserted common room Severus and Akira whispered among themselves.

'I'd better go to bed now Akira…'

'No, stay here with me for a little longer Severus... you don't have to leave me again.'

'Again? I don't understand Akie-'

'Just don't…..'

Burying her face in his black robes and settling her arm across his chest she basked in the comfort he gave her as he stroked her silky red hair.

The red hair flowing between his fingers reminded Severus of Lily. It had been some time since they last conversed. He couldn't help think she might have felt used as some sort of pillar of strength then forgotten once he could stand again…. It was indeed the last thing he wanted Lily Evans to think.

Eyes drooping he felt Akira's torso convulse all of a sudden. Restricted sobs rose, broke free and she was crying.

_Don't cry Akira….._

_I'm not crying Severus….. you are._

(A/n: I couldn't get this across without being confusing)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I do know something is up.

Severus Snape

11:46pm

October 15th 1987

Lily is getting her ball. She always gets her way

_'Sev, I've told you I always get my way… you don't know how many people I had to bribe to get this to happen, phew…. I'm only one girl you know.'_

_'Woman Lily.'_

_"Yeah thanks Sev… I'm only one woman you know!'_

I know something really easy this year, I don't have to worry about whether to go or who I'm taking.

I'm going with Akira.

Severus Snape 

3:40pm

October 16th 1987

I've been thinking about the future. When I leave I'm not living in Brighton I'm going to sell the manor, and I anticipate I will get a lot for it. I can use the money to buy something London and probably work for the ministry. As what I have no idea. I was going through a pamphlet of career selections Aeolus stole off the wizardry career adviser in study yesterday. There are a lot of things but nothing particular that I want to do. There are heaps of things in the potions category that I have the prerequisite for but I really don't want to have to do anything to do with potions. I'm still dead set against the suggestion I got last year about being a Professor but I do kinda have the qualifications for it.

Akira and I had a little 'future' discussion over dinner tonight. 

She kept saying… 'You first' and then she admitted that she just wanted to hear mine first so she could plan her future around me. She said it has taken her 6 years to catch me and now she is casting a big net so I can't get away. How sweet is that? Then I had this fleeting vision of us married. And to be honest I quite liked what I saw. 

Mushy.

Anyway I have to go shower now, there is something up with the thermostat in the mornings so I'm taking my showers in the evening now.

Severus Snape

8:58pm

October 17th 1987

I was up until 5am this morning thinking about all sorts of things, and I've come to this conclusion. First I'll explain.

I was thinking about the future then I remembered what Sebastian said-

_'__The family will never stop bothering you until you are safely married off…. By your own choice or arranged... whatever comes first'_

When we graduate things could change… I could lose Akira... I know I will if I don't do something. Here we have to see each other everyday because it school, we live here. But when we leave we will need to make the effort to keep in contact… and people do become lazy over time… and etc.

Then I thought about my feelings for Akira. They run deeper than I realized.

The only other person I have loved so openly and freely was my mother in a sense.

Therefore this relationship must be something else if you get what I mean.

It makes perfect sense to marry her. _By your own choice or arranged… whatever comes first._

Choice comes first.

Why not? I really do think this is what I'm meant to do. 

Now… to propose to her… that is all that is left.

Severus Snape.

2:30pm Divination class.

October 19th 1987

I've been overwhelmingly sick.

I don't think the drugs are working.

Madam Pomfrey wants me to see a Specialist at St Mungos.

I've finally pulled my mind together; I have a reason to be well.

I can not be sick now.

S.Snape

8:10am

October 20th 1987

Despite such Maladies I'm in a particularly good mood today. I've even been very well disposed to Lucius. Although the though has crossed my mind… I should inform Narcissa of Lucius's cheating tendencies. After all she does deserve better.

I think I am happy again.

Severus Snape

4:30pm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lingering, they kissed.

"People are going to wonder what we do down here all the time Akie." There was nothing but sheer amusement in Severus's tone of voice, as Akira noted before kissing him once more reminding herself he would be here tomorrow.

"Well why spoil their fun? …Let them think that them."

Severus watched with his unchanged midnight black eyes as Akira slipped off to her dormitory.

_* I can't remember exactly how it goes and spelling of the words to the Hebrew lullaby might be wrong._


	15. Heywannamarryme?

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****

**Chapter 15 -"Hey, wannamarryme?"******

"Severus wake up."

Poking Severus Snape at a quarter to 7 in the morning was a dangerous act indeed.

_Fuck off_

"Uck foff." 

"Severus, get up."

Severus who looked perpetually Ill these days opened one eye. It was Lucius. To prevent any further blinding from nightmare material of the morning Lucius, Severus shut his eye and rolled over.

"Fuck off."

Lucius grinned triumphantly. If Severus could say fuck off clearly it meant most definitely that he was awake.

It was an extremely cold morning, making it hard for anyone to move themselves from their warm beds as displayed in this particular dorm.

Evan was no where to be seen, but that was only because he was buried under a mass of bed sheets and dirty clothes. Aeolus's idea of clean was move it off the floor and onto a different surface. Aeolus was barely awake, moving back to bed for 2 minutes sleeps every 5 minutes. Lucius was up, dressed and showered. A marvel really. And Severus was identified as 'The lump over there.'

Sick, tired and cold, Severus saw no real point in getting up… 

But then he came to.

October 30th. The Halloween ball was on in the evening. They weren't allowed to hold it on Halloween because the official feast was on Halloween eve, and it would be far too dangerous to have students roaming about everywhere on such a night.

Lily didn't care when it was, just as long as it fit in the category of 'Ball','Dance' or 'Social Gathering' she was happy.

Severus had decided it was it was a good opportunity to propose. True he hadn't given it much time or though, but he'd figured he'd spent his whole life analysing things to death- it was time for a change.

On his night stand among his various potions and medications sat a small black box. One would have to be particularly dense to not know what it contained. Lucius couldn't figure it out. He'd argued that it was probably earrings or something for Akira. 

Lily had been shooting Severus glares ever since she heard about 'the box'.

Why was indeed a mystery.

A story could have been prevented if Severus had found out why. A nightmare preceding a heavenly dream could have been disallowed. Heartache would not have been necessary.

But many people in a world as magical as this still agreed that things happen for a reason- good or bad.

Moving from warm to cold Severus cursed incessantly. 

No one noticed.

Aeolus was now finishing the morning ritual of dressing as Evan was only just starting and Lucius was organising for the day. All of this was done as if the boys were on autopilot. Or men really.

They had all approached a sort of line, a line separating Boy from Man. Half of the 7th years had stepped across the line noticeably while the other half were bordering on it or running full speed in the other direction. In any case the four boys in that particular dorm were across the line, despite their occasional relapses.

This would be why Severus was convinced he was ready for a commitment like marriage. 

Which is admittedly a rather large one at that.

Running two fingers along the cold window sill Severus stared out the fogged window.

Autumn, it was getting colder.

A trail of newly spilled blood sat on the sill now amongst the dust.

Reaching up to the window he ran a finger over the fogged up surface, smearing blood on the glass.

Severus searched the sill, in surprised, looking for something sharp.

He looked at the cut, the opening in his skin. It was deep.

All of a sudden his stomach gave a funny jolt. The cut made him feel decidedly alive, reminded him he still felt and bleed, and it was good in that way.

"Severus, I'm going to breakfast, I'll save you a seat alright?"

Severus waved his other hand at Lucius dismissively, wiping his fingers discreetly on his night shirt.

"How did you do that?" The unnoticed Evan commented on the bleeding finger wryly.

Severus didn't answer. Evan had been quite patronising lately, as if he was suddenly superior. Severus believed deep down Evan had an inferiority complex.

Back turned Severus peered at the cut and marvelled at the relief it brought.

~~**~~

"Did I tell you about Mathew."

"How he cut his arm in half?"  
"Yeah."

"Yes you did."

"Oh. Oh did I tell you about that Ravenclaw girl who left?"

"No."

"Oh well you know that girl who was bawling when we were outside?"

"Yes and her friend told us to 'make out' elsewhere."

"T'was a bit rude of her wasn't it?"

"… I mean we weren't even making out. Some people have most disgusting minds here."

"That's not the point Severus."

"Well it is for me."

"Anyway apparently her father died, so now they can't afford to send her to Hogwarts…. Hang on… Oh yes anyway now she has to go to muggle school. I think she was part muggle anywho."

"Oh, how.. terrible." 

Akira had spent the better half of the lunch hour catching Severus up on the gossip.

Severus didn't have the heart to tell her he didn't really care, but he was going to have to tell her soon before her bony backside cut off the circulation in his left leg.

"Akira, get off me."

"No."

"My left leg is dead, you want a lame boyfriend?"  
"What are you talkin' bout. You're already lame."

"Har ha ha."

 As Akira shifted from his left knee to his right knee, insistent on sitting on him…. To save seating which saves trees (Severus didn't understand the logic in that, but Akira thought it made sense.), Severus glimpsed a teary eyes Narcissa slipping out of the hall.

~**~

"You alright?"

"Go away!"

"How 'bout we go for a walk, after classes okay?"

Severus walked away from the darkened corner of the entrance hall, Where Narcissa stood sobbing.

~~**~~

"So are you going to tell Uncle Severus what the matter is?"

"No but I'm going to tell Uncle Severus to go to hell"

"If this is Lucius related, I'm not Lucius so don't treat me like I am."

"No, its not him directly, its everything but I will be fine…."

"If you say so."

"So are really proposing to Akira?"

"Don't change the subject!"

"I'm not.."

"Yes you are-"

"No I'm not.. I'm curious.. Oooh, let me see the ring."

"Where do you get this all from?"

"Let me see!"

Severus slipped his hand into the right pocket of his robes subtly and shook his head.

"I can't let you see if I don't know what you are talking about."

"Let.me.see!"

Narcissa, who had always an incredibly perceptive person, lunged at Severus, and skilfully pried a small black box from his hand after a moments struggle and some biting on her part.

"You'll have to watch out from now on Severus. I'm getting very good marks in divination."

Which would have to be true,  Narcissa had no real evidence that he was carrying the ring, or that there was indeed one, but here it was sitting in a box, in her palm. Severus however wasn't very concerned about it being in her possession as he had more important things to worry about such as the state of his dishevelled black hair.

Flicking the box open, Narcissa's eyes widened.

"Oooh, pretty."

Severus had made arrangements with a jeweller in France via owl. 

It was a Marquise diamond with a 24 carat gold band, of course the brat Prince* gets an expensive ring to give to his brat Princess-to-be. Severus gave no concern to cost most obviously, and in addition to that, cast a spell on it.

Something he had mastered himself years and years ago, was colour enchantment.

He'd seen his father do it **once for his mother. It was their anniversary if Severus's memory served correctly, and his father had remembered at the last minute. So he picked a rose from the garden and enchanted it. His mother was thrilled. The rose's petals, originally red, changed colour randomly and sparkled all different colours from time to time, like glitter.**

Young children, always like pretty things, so Severus aspired to learn the secret to such enchantment.

Then after that, in a way that parents only have nightmares about, Severus went and enchanted just about everything in the house. 

His father got a migraine from his photosensitivity.

His mother thought she was having an attack.

Severus got in a lot of trouble.

So with this talent Severus had bewitched the jewel to change colour and glitter. Not out of romantic thought though..

"Can I keep it?"

"You may certainly not."

 ~~**~~

Severus glanced around the hall looking for Akira. The Great Hall was packed with students, eager for the 'ball/social gathering/dance' to start. Unfortunately however, due to the disorganisation of some professors, it would be a while before everything was in place. 

Snape was just going to propose to her before everything got started. He didn't put any thought towards picking the 'Perfect Moment'. He'd never been a romantic, and it was obvious.

"Severus!"

"I was getting worried about you." Severus stated, as Akira looped her arms around his neck.

"What that I'd poked myself in the eye with my eyeliner?"

"Stranger things have happened."

"Indeed."

"Excuse me, that's my quote."

 Akira giggled at this as Severus lead her over to a quieter corner.

"You know you've been giving me a funny feeling all day Severus."

"And you've been giving me a funny feeling all year."

"What is that supp-"

Severus produced the famed black box and opened it to her.

_Akira will you marry me?_

"Hey, wannamarryme?"

_*Brat Prince. Severus reminds me of the Brat Prince of Anne Rice's Vampire chronicals, Lestat who threw money about like leaves._

_Narcissa scene had Lily in it and it was from a real role play, however to coincide with the story I had to cut half of it out because it that scene it was snowing and its autumn to the timeline. _

_Akira gossip scene from roleplay, conversation half cut out. Proposal modified._


	16. Get Me a Bucket dear Liza

"Get me a bucket! Would you two take it somewhere else?!"

Lucius's contorted face made for a funny sight. Mixed with the indignant look that settled upon his pointy little face it was well.. even funnier. Severus's and Akira's fixation with each other seemed to be getting just a bit ridiculous, little did Lucius realise that when it wasn't for themselves that they did this, it was purely to spite him. 

"Not-my-problem-Malfoy." Severus's strained reply came in between kisses he was sharing with Akira, from the activity they had engaged in only 10 minutes ago. Lucius grimaced going a light shade of pink, trying to avert his eyes from the pair.

"Of course it isn't. I bet you're enjoying it, perverse bastard."

Severus shrugged, pausing to talk to Malfoy. "Well wouldn't you..?"

"Well if the pair of you are getting married, you-" He pointed straight at Akira, who promptly pouted, "Should be more demure.. And you." He turned his accusing finger onto Severus. "I don't know.. you make me sick."

Akira turned from Severus, the awkwardness of the position making Severus wince in considerable pain, to glare at Lucius who looked distinctly put out to be made to feel awkward in his own common room. "I'm sure the feeling is mutual on Severus's part." She simpered pityingly at the raging Lucius. He turned abruptly on his heel and stalked out without collecting his things or anything. His 'dramatic' exit had made Akira snigger until Severus began to whimper. "Knee move, please- now, castration.. nasty." 

Akira sighed and climbed off Severus and the sofa he had been seated on in a dignified manor before she had showed up, to back into one just across from him. 

Severus pulled his robes back on over his uniform and straightened them as he cast a glance over to her, content with the respectable distance she had put between them.

"Okay, lets not do this..  here." He muttered lightly as he observed Morganna and a few of her friends entering the common room. 

He avoided her eyes and didn't move to greet her, like he would have otherwise done, and pretended not to have noticed her at all. He realised as he looked back to Akira, who was paying her full attention to her lustrous red hair, that he hadn't told Morganna himself about his engagement to Akira. He supposed she had heard, and decided it wasn't essential to tell her at all, face to face. He didn't know why it felt so 'dirty' being engaged to Akira and not wanting to tell Morganna, but it was certainly unnatural. Lily knew but seemed to hate Severus now, though she had said things like 'Your fiancée is lovely,' but muttered things like '….. is better.' And '…how could you' as well as '..prat'.

Maybe it was because Akira had red hair like Lily, and she believed it to be some sick inner fantasy Severus had about her, which Severus didn't want anything thinking, let alone himself. It made him feel near sick to even consider having some fantasy about Lily, and hoped it wasn't his subconscious telling him something. She was after all a damned mudblood for god sake.

Either that or he'd missed something.

Which could have been easy. Since Akira and he had become engaged less than a week ago things had become rather strange. And Severus had been wandering around in his own mind, in his own solitude. Even with Akira by his side he was always alone somewhere, distant and far away. But, to her credit, Akira had her methods of getting Severus's full attention and focus on herself.

  
"What? Sorry Severus I missed that."

"I said, let's refrain from, ahrem, anything in the –common- room."

"What? That bathroom was every part your fault as it was mine. I didn't know there was any one else in there!"

Like such. And she was even better at distracting him from a distance. They seemed to be in some prenuptial bliss. And Akira had launched straight into planning, and was aiming for an autumn wedding after they left school. She'd picked venue, as well as flowers, and was busy putting her mind to what sort of dress she would wear, all in Charms and Transfiguration. Severus didn't mind. He wasn't terribly interested and felt he shouldn't take her thunder involving arrangements, seeing as though it was amusing her to no end. Their wedding would be safe in her hands, he was sure she was talented enough to pull it off.

Although Severus knew above all things Akira was rather ingenious with soap.

But he had other things to think about, forgetting his martial status. And his very enticing fiancée. He still had his final exams to sit for and the Potions Master was trying to push him onto the advanced unit ten. He didn't know what everyone thought he was some sort of adolescent prodigy. It wasn't like he had a better learning capacity than everyone else, just somehow his achievements in potions travelled past that subject and overflowed into all the others. He was loathing Transfigurations as he had little interest in turning objects with an original purpose into something else. Transfigurations were for poor wizards who couldn't afford things so they used the 20 in one approach. How about, buy one? From the very mind of a young man that would probably never be faced with the hardships of poverty in his life. And charms wasn't exactly the highlight of his day as he was a much more practical, "Why use Avada Kedrava when you could discreetly slip some deadly poison in someone's drink" person.

He was sneaky and cunning, not outright stupid.

Other subjects were a complete breeze though. It was just in the last week Severus seemed to slip dramatically behind. What didn't help much were the days he was sporadically taking out school, in the hospital wings or the dorms. The sort of days where a flight of stairs had him wishing for his bed again. 

And then there was the estrangement that was growing between him and his friends. Lily was a Gryffindor, and the Gryffindor and Slytherin rivalry had become unhealthy of late and seriously dangerously. As the seniors it was their job to uphold the peace. 

What a joke. The Seniors only seemed to be the ring leaders,  Lucius and James in particular. Severus joined in from time to time, but only from his severe hate for James Potter. Which always got Black involved for his severe hate of the fact his sister was marrying in Severus's slippery serpentine family. Which got everyone involved, and then the pranks became messy and the joking unfriendly, leaving in their trail a bunch of younger casualties.

So Lily and Severus were drifting apart. Severus sensed there was another reason behind this too. 

Severus clearly didn't have time for his Slytherin friends though, between school work and bonding with Akira.

And then there was Morganna, who he purpose moving away from, leaving a gap too big for her to possibly bridge across. He didn't know whether he felt clever because of this, or cruel. But he felt a desperate need to do it. 

Akira, bounced her crossed leg so that it hit Severus knee softly. 

"Severus, "She purred, loosening her hair about her shoulders absently, and sliding forward in her armchair. "I'm going to go do my home work.. then I might take a shower or something." She said casually, subtly hinting, rising. Severus felt she was as subtle as a brick through a glass window.

"Hm, I might.. see you around then.." Severus replied, in the same casual tone.

"Oh good."

And he did.

_November the Give me a Break'th _

_Some days I get this dragging, 'Same shit, different day feeling.'_

_Today was one of those days._

_I don't think I was alone either._

_I had a late start this morning. Purely because I'm a very lazy lazy person at the best of times. No, actually, i suppose its just exhaustion. Not laziness. But I feel lazy, and lethargic. Heaven knows why._

_I wish they'd pair the Slytherins with the Ravenclaws instead of the bloody Gryffindors. I don't think I can deal with much more idiocy from them. I don't mind that they want to fail and end up selling kebabs on the side of a muggle highway somewhere, but I certainly do not, ((not saying of course that if I failed I'd be selling kebabs on the side of a ..))_

_Bloody Gryffindors.__ And their stupid ghost._

_Bloody Perfect Head Boy Potter and all the bloody rest of it. Well you can go die._

_This has to be really rather unhealthy. Alright. _

_Anyway, classes the past week have been rather unproductive. Due to the Gryffindors. And I'll swear by that. The Slytherins did not cause the Charm's classroom wall incident. A wall was blown apart in the middle of an out of hand riot. I Still maintain it was Potter. Everything that goes on here has got.something.to.do.with.potter!_

_Stupid mangy twat that he is.___

_But every one seems to think it was __Lancaster__. Everyone is very quick to point fingers at Slytherins these days. Someone dies in __China__. OOooooh it was a Slytherin!_

_For Christs sake! Honestly, grow a brain._

_Also, the Slytherins didn't break the bludger on Tuesday. Everyone seems to think we broke it while tampering with it. I certainly don't blame the team, it's their only fair chance against Gryffindor seeing as Potter is on some sort of Steroid. _

_If only I knew what it was I could get him expelled. _

_But anyway, I'm sure they weren't tampering with it. I'm sure its just Black or Potter trying to cover up the explicit activities they have going with Quidditch equipment because they can't get any back in the realm of the normal and non-perverse._

_Alright I just flooded my mind with images I didn't need. At all. My arch enemies at it with-_

_Alright enough.__ I think I'll write about my attractive fiancée for a bit to get rid of said unwanted images._

_Ahh__ Akira. Much better images._

_I did end up proposing. Interesting reaction. I think I may have witnessed a once in a life time reaction. She is full of… surprises. My neck, its still rather sore. Which made the rest of the night rather awkward as I had to lean my neck on an angle. I think Akira pulled something during her ..affectionate.. strangling. _

_Lily somewhat pissed off with me for proposing. But what is that silly Gryffindor slut's opinion to me anyway? _

_Nothing.___

_Showering doesn't have to be lonely I've discovered. Akira is very inventive. _

_I also won't be able to look at soap in the same way again.  Enough said._

_I think there needs to be some bell at the bathroom door to warn occupants. I think that would be handy. Will mention it at next prefects meeting if I remember._

_I missed this week's prefect meeting. I was lurking about the hospital wing waiting for Madam Pomfrey to dismiss me. I think she likes purposely irritating me. Because whenever I want to leave she'll move on to some other patient of the infirmary and take her bloody time about it. I went to get some potion off her because I think I did something in, in my back. Shower taps unpleasantly hard I discovered. The painful way. _

_She insisted proding around and listening to my breathing. My back is totally unrelated to my lungs, I hope she knows this. Or I really do think the school will be screwed in the health department if the nurse can't tell the damned difference. She assures me while I'm recovering, I'll probably relapse ((and die. How comforting and not morbid. She didn't actually say that. But way she made casual conversation about funeral songs was rather unnerving. Perhaps I shouldn't read into things. She might be a fan of .. depressing music.)). I don't know why she bothered to call it 'recovering' then. More like 'waiting to be sick again'. Once I clarified I was there for a potion for my back, she got a bit of a move on, but reminded me of the days off I'd had recently. Then the stupid idiot asked me if I wanted counselling. If she should ask Dumbledore. Well what the..?_

_Yes please I want counselling because I jammed a tap into my back accidentally and am going to pieces. I was waiting to be dismissed when she disappeared. And when she reappeared she asked the same stupid question about counselling._

_Ah I found my calendar amongst a pile of smuggled in food. That is near decay might I add. I wonder who keeps bring this sort of crap in here. It certainly isn't me. If I could get my hands on decent food, I would eat it straight away. _

_It's the 8th._

_-Severus Snape._

_7:32pm_


	17. Odd Numbers Of The Month

**Disclaimer**: _If you pay any attention to this part of the page, I pity you.  If you haven't realised i don't own Harry Potter, I pity you._

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**Chapter 17 :Odd Numbers of The Month**

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November 10th

I am bitterly worn out.

I'm rather weary of Akira just at the moment. If i don't give her attention right at the moment she wants it she automatically concludes I'm ignoring her and goes off in a fit. Once she is in a mood she doesn't talk to me at all. Then she gets touchy about everything else. I knew she did these sorts of things long before this, but seeing as I'm the 'trigger' and I'm getting the harassment from all her harpies I can't really cope with it. Tomorrow it will be alright.

Today I don't love her.

I suppose it's not healthy for a relationship if you are always in love. So I've decided I'll love her on odd numbers of the month. Tomorrow is the 11th, so I'll love her tomorrow . If she doesn't infuriate me further.

Or maybe all the days with 2 in it. 

That would be the 2nd,12th,20th,21st,22nd,23rd,24th,25th,26th,27th,28th and 29th of a month.

A 6th year Bella Edwards told me Akira can get really irrational and paranoid at the best times. Otherwise however she is 'Delightful'. I can't wait to see her with 'PMS' or whatever that is. Should it be just an excuse to be unexplainably nasty to ones significant other. 

Yes that will be as delightful as having your tongue stapled to the floor with a croquet loop.

I'm so tired, I still have to go to study after dinner. I don't want to talk to anyone, its beyond elucidation why I feel so, I don't know.. crushed? 

There is no valid reason to feel so black and white.

Severus Snape

-6:10pm

November 11th

No certainly don't love Akira today.

Think I shall only love her on the 29th of February.

I'm so fractious today.

I'm so angry.

Severus Snape

- Potions.

November 11th

So I'm a rather spiteful, malicious, vicious… 

Our year or rather the older years, 6th and 7ths are divided into two groups.

Those interested by the dark arts, power and are disrespectful to outside authorities, ((This is where I generally fit in))And those who come to hopelessly waste their time on looks, flirting like it's a respected sport, and be nosy and talkative.

All Akira's friends fit in the above specified group.

I would like it to be known however that I am grateful my future wife is desperately enthralled by the dark arts so I will have absolutely no trouble with her anytime soon.

Anyway, Akira's friends. Can't keep themselves out of a dispute. Took it upon themselves to fix the minuscule riff between Akira and I . This was all because I told her to settle the hell down before potions when she was working herself into one of her attention seeking fits over something that wasn't her fault. To this she told me to go fuck myself. I hope she daren't speak like that around my grandfather. Anyway, the harpies. 

The mess they created. Going back and forth between us like some juvenile 10 year olds. This was all while I was trying to study for a Charm's evaluation mind you.

Had to find Akira, and we together, told the bunch of them to go die.

Therefore tension between Akira and I dissolved.

I'm still very tired. And I would like it add my fiancée is a very good kisser should we 'fight' again and I forget this.

-Severus Snape

Almost 11pm.

November.

Lily slapped me. The bitch, slapped me silly.

I had an argument with her. She slapped me and I can't exactly see out one eye.

Slapped the wits out of me.

Vicious bitch.

I informed her she should stay out of my life. Then she starts up about friendship. And then I say she's changed and she says so have I. I said Potter's changed her. She tells me to lay off him. I told her to go screw her Gryffindor boyfriend. We get into an argument over houses. I get slapped at different intervals throughout this argument. Then she tells me that she hopes I die of consumption.

I tell her I hope she dies of whatever transmittable diseases Potter will give her.

She slaps me hard. 

I'm in a strop.

Gryffindors will go to hell. Salazar should have killed Godric before he left the school.

-Snape

November 13th.

Hospital Wing.

-Severus Snape.

November 13th

Apparently I blacked out shortly after I got up.

Accordingly to Madam Pomfrey because the disease is attacking my system it is possible that it is weakening my automated breathing and because I was not awake to regulate my breathing I could have been receiving a reduced amount of oxygen to my brain during the night. Therefore when I woke up I passed out. I feel flaws in this theory, I did do units of science before coming to Hogwarts and one would think I'd have brain damage if so.. but then… I'm certainly not the matron.((And I'd kill myself If I were.))

I can't breathe quite properly at the moment, and I'm constantly coughing to clear my airways. Madam Pomfrey keeps casting spells to do this for me, but I'm beginning to fear this practise. As after the 3rd time she did this I could taste blood in my mouth and feel it rising. I realise that is my own body's doing, but I am cautious.  

Naturally I'm missing lessons. Naturally I will have to catch up.

I really don't want to die of this affliction.

Its been so.. agonizing lately.

I keep this to myself and as I pen it to paper it sounds stupid. But I can feel it killing me this time. I can feel my senses deteriorating,

And I'm alone. Its rather simple. There is no one who does understand me.

Apart from maybe that man that died of this.. that night. Maybe he knew. He died alone.

-Severus Snape

2:23pm

November 14th

  
  


I don't want sympathy. I don't want pitying looks. Hell I'd rather die.

I wondered last night before I went to sleep, if everything Madam Pomfrey says is true I could just fall asleep and never wake up. Just cease breathing. There are things I still need to do, and I don't want to die with every word I didn't say.

Out of hospital wing.

Don't love Akira today.

Far too awkward and far too weary of her to be in love at the moment.

-Severus Snape

9:40pm.

November 15th

Too much. 

Every now and then I write in this journal. I write down what I would like to be thinking. But I seem so unclear and fragmental. Most of it is honest crude truth. But it's a jest to myself. It's what I'd say about someone, snidely to someone else. It's really rather impersonal.

But I know what I think. And I've known it for more than a year. I sit and flip back and I was even toying with the idea of approaching her and letting her know. Now how could I 7 or so days ago write here that I had no idea why I was pushing her so far away? Of course I know. It's more obvious that a luminous green monster in a pitch black room.

I know why I didn't tell her. I pretend like I don't.

Because I need at least her approval. Not at least. Above all else, I need her approval. What in gods name would she think if I was harbouring all this for her underneath? Its not shallow beneath the surface, every time I think I'm marrying someone else instead of the exact person I would have wearing that cursed engagement ring a deep hole opens in in my stomach, and I want to be sick.. sick until all I can bring up is bile.

But if I told her. She'd recoil like she had been stuck. She'd be repulsed.

What would I look like if I told her all this, when I've spent all this time building an impassive reputation for myself. Flawless and unfeeling. I've had my share of fun, rowdy-ness. Playing a character not unto myself. But I have a mask. And he is cold and uninterested. And this here in my journal is the closest even I can come to the real myself. I don't need consumption to kill myself, I'm doing quite fine all on my own.

I couldn't have her. She is perfect in every aspect.

Physically she is beautiful. The sort of unreal beauty people want to be in a glass case and show off in a exhibition somewhere. 

I hear all sort of 'religious' preachings from Lucius and the whole entire gang, but I can't agree, I can't even see the logic. But if she says something, it must be right. Statements I couldn't possibly argue. She is mentally beautiful.

Perfection.

Therefore no imperfect person could corrupt. 

She probably has a partner back in France. An already arranged marriage.

'Suitors' lined up to germany.

It's so impossible.

And I've fallen in love with her.

I don't love Akira. I know this because I can switch these feelings on and off around her. When I need her there, to ease the pain of whatever emotional affliction I bear, I can think I love her. She is attractive, and had a high standing among Slytherins I suppose.

I can love her body, but I can't commit to her beyond that. Because I suppose I'm disgustingly self serving. What we have is purely physical at the best of times.

So before she slips out of my reach I will marry her. 

And I will pretend to love her. Unless worse comes to worse I will not allow her to end the marriage. 

We'll be my parents.

I'll occupy the east apartments of the manor, and she'll occupy the west. I'll guiltily listen to the morose music from her suite as it floats across the courtyard, whilst I travel along the upper walkway to our children's rooms. I will make sure they are working. They will be sadly neglected.

And so will She.

3:14am

November 15th

Lily is a bitch.

And I have a headache.

Disregard last entry. I'm not sure what planet I'm on. All lies.

-Severus Snape

4:25pm

November 16th

Landed back in Hospital Wing.

Wesley is going to travel from where he lives in Dover to Hogwarts to see me, under my grandfathers command of course. Family unsure if I am in my right mind still, what with proposing without even consulting anyone, which was completely out of line of me seeing as I have no say over my life. Silly me.

Therefore, so the family can settle with the idea of my impending marriage to Akira, we've moved the wedding date to the spring after next, which is ample time for everyone to get used to the idea as that is well over a year.

Dragged out engagement.

Wesley warned me in his strongly worded letter not to a) do anything with Akira that could result in unwanted pregnancy, not that any of that is his business at all. Akira just laughed. Senile old coot. b) Get in trouble and or c) Try to make any more transactions with my parents' accounts. Apparently when he arrives I'll be in a large amount of trouble for squandering money. Ha.

Let us see how things unfold. He'll probably have me come back to Brighton on one of my weekend passes. 

They are trialling 4 weekend passes a semester, as a lot of students get homesick. Although they are also thinking after past incidents of children of ministry members being abducted while travelling home of banning it. They banned it for 3, 4, 5, but let the 2 youngest years out as they get the most homesick and don't have at least hogsmeade to go to. Makes sense. 6th and 7th can leave though. I haven't used a one.

I'm tired, and I have Akira here trying to read what I'm writing.

Hello Beautiful.

-Severus Snape

1:30pm

**Authors Notes For Chapters 16 and 17:** **_Well, 16, I just started writing these again so a lot of the original story has floated away. Well excuse the Soap and Shower jokes, but it was the running joke between Rachel and myself, as well Great Hall and Frying Pan joke, which I think I can leave out for now. That was about the way of things. Journal entries for this chapter. Now we move along to the meat of the plot, but I'm going to drag it out before I get there. Things shall happen in next chapter. Hn Tired now._**


	18. Contemplations

**Disclaimer:** … My you people are slow.

**Chapter 18- Contemplations**

November

Contemplative

What exactly is in a name?

There are so many questions, meaningless questions that float around, that nobody cares to excavate deeply.

Now a name is simply like a method of identification. Like one names a plant. That is a soandso. Oh this is a Severus, and here we have a Harland and a Zachary.

How would we be without a name? Do we take on the characteristics of our name? Or does our name take on the characteristics of us?

Just one thing I was thinking about.

One other thing had me thinking this morning, and this might be hard to place in words. Where we put our loyalties.

First we are within a family, then circle of friends, school, club, town, province, country, then divided into those with the privileges of the western world, then to wizarding blood. And in there somewhere come Politics, Sex and Religion. Only past all that are we loyal to a group we call the human race. The last group we think of ourselves belonging to and the first group we blame when something goes wrong. 

Now everyone is up in arms about our Dark Lord. To get order and purity there is going to be bloodshed, true, it's inevitable. But it's only for the good of our race. Sooner or later if we continue to branch out wizarding blood with become so diluted, magical ability will decrease until it is out of existence. And thus bring about the end of the wizards.

With all the mud blood's ruling the population if there isn't some action soon we'll be gone sooner than we think, by 2000 perhaps. It's possible.

And I certainly don't want us remaining purebloods to have to resort to inbreeding and other vulgar methods of procreation within ones family. I'm sure Lucius won't have any problems with these ideals though.

So there has to be a brief reign of terror, we need to cull the mud bloods out before they become more than a majority. Our Dark Lord has the power and will to do it. And I will see it done. It's imperative that it's done.

I understand why now. I know. 

We should all be passionate about making sure the Wizards survive the muggles, and not become them. Everyone, even the mud bloods should be ready to sacrifice themselves. For so long I haven't placed a value to life, anyone's, but now I have a purpose. I don't need anything now, but to do this.

And now the ministry is getting all prepped up to fight My Lord off. 

There are two sides to the wizarding world now, the 'dark side'. I keep getting the feeling I've heard that before, And then of course their side, which is the 'good' side. 

How can they be good when they are inadvertently letting us die out? They are not good they are foolish. Letting people like Potter and the Gryffindors lead us. Gryffindors are fools, the bunch of them, Muggle loving fools. So brave and courageous to fight for a cause they don't understand, a false cause. Like I said there will be bloodshed, but not in vain. Anyway, the Gryffindors throw themselves into the middle of things and make a chaos of it. Like the ministry is doing now, trying to stop the course of the design our Lord has for us. They have no idea. They get themselves killed unnecessarily, when if they only backed off and let the Lord's will be done, and those needed dead, killed, there wouldn't be so many deaths.

For example Dumbledore, the stupid fool. Admitting mud bloods to Hogwarts or admitting anyone really without checking their wizarding history.  If they've got a bit of blood in 'em and they are in. I'm sure there was probably a very good reason Salazar didn't want any other wizards but purebloods admitted to Hogwarts. But nobody bothers to listen to the Slytherins because we are just evil according to the stereotype, therefore have no ideas apart from those of death. Therefore we couldn't possibly have any constructive input.

So everybody looks to Godric Gryffindor and hails him for admitting vermin to the school.

So our loyalties no longer lie within our friends, or family, or school even. It's all divided into two groups only, those for the dark lord, and those opposed. And I'm for.

I know my fiancée's loyalties lie in the same place as mine, and I'll make sure it remains that way or our martial bed will become her death bed, not by me of course but there are those…. Lord Voldemort takes priority over family. And our children or child rather if our firstborn is a boy, will be loyal. I've decided throwing ones family into the chaos of this, will be worth it in the end, and we will be finely rewarded.

But see the division within families? If Akira had other ideas, then I would be, she would be, looking to which side of the war we were on before looking to the family we belonged to.

A measure of the strength of the Gryffindors: They have to call Voldemort 'You-know-who' because they piss themselves when it is said out loud. I bet Potter shits himself even thinking about it. Though I hear he is aspiring to become an auror, the moron. I suppose he thinks, he, the Great Potter, can take on Voldemort and all his death eaters single handily.  I could kill him in an instant, should there not be a law against it. I know he'll die, I almost pity him. Almost. 

I have a lot of confidence about this conquest. 

El Dumbledork might pose a threat, but he is old, in no time he will be in a wheelchair dribbling into his pumpkin juice. Or if the old twit hangs about someone could just go in and kill him while he is playing with his rubby duckies in the bath. Oh god, I really do give myself unwanted images. 

Hopefully, with any luck, he'll trip over his beard on the way somewhere and have a heart attack, knowing him. 

Maybe we could have him chucked in Azkaban on counts of paedophilia. I'm sure Lucius would be only happy to help us out here. Then again it could take the fun out of it for our master, if Dumbledore got overexcited and had a heart attack.

I just hope this 'revolution' as you might put it, is quick. It shouldn't have to take long. Hopefully the ministry will just give in. Well if they are smart they will, and we all know the ministry. Of course they won't. Somehow I get the feeling it will never be as straightforward as I'd like it to be. Politics. 

Warfare. 

Resistance.

Conflict.

Death.

Of course the reasons I've given for joining Voldemort aren't the only, there is peer pressure, and I'd like to be the pressure-er than under it thank you very much. Then there is survival. Better to be at the right hand of the Devil than in his path, as the old quote goes. I'm far too talented to end up some desk boy in the ministry. Because of the over populating of the earth, done by the muggles, its hard to hold a wizarding Profession in the world, because everyone fears the muggles. There is nothing to fear. What does everything they are going to do if they found out about us? I personally think the good for nothing commoners should made our slaves. But that is against animal rights I presume.

What is the point in learning duelling if you can't use it for any real situations, apart from the odd social duel. If I settled for anything ordinary, like working in something silly like an apothecary, I'd just have too much pent up energy. Then I'd probably slowly morph into a maniac then suddenly break loose. I actually like the sound of that rather. 

Getting all emotional and sentimental over it is pointless, it won't change a thing. Not even the glistening tear of the face of a tortured child could change Voldemort's mind. 

There is nothing the ministry change do.

I_ hope Potter goes first, but not quickly.. very slowly, so that it takes a very very long time. _

S. Snape

**Authors Note:** Didn't I say I was dragging it out. Just giving reasons for Severus's choices. Putting his thoughts to his actions. And shifting the focus off his erratic love life.


	19. Bloody Cactuses!

**Disclaimer: ** I am very aware I don't own Severus Snape, nor do I lay claim to Morganna Montaque. Y'know, I don't have an original bone in my body. Well how about that. All belongs to JK Rowling. Actually I own the Cactus idea. But that's because I'm edging into insanity. If you want to read about the **real** cactuses go here ..- But unless you are quite bored, I'm going to assume you aren't going there to read about cactuses instead of my fic.

Onto this. Blah, review it if you can be bothered.

**Dedication-y thing:** To my Haystack Kitty, who knows who she is. And whose fic I just read. S'excellent!

**Chapter 19- Bloody Cactuses**

"And just how old exactly do you think are?" 

Severus sat on a bed in the Hospital Wing, boredly picking at lint on his trousers, resentment written on his face. He looked up at Wesley for a moment, so that he might find a shred of amusement in the look Wesley would be pulling. And he did.

His guardian was standing before him, rolled up newspaper in one hand as if he were about chide a dog and the other hand placed on his hip, staring down at Severus from where he loomed with a searching expression. 

With a raised eyebrow and unpleasant smirk Severus went back to his fascinating trousers without answering the question, swinging one leg in his idleness.

"Don't do that!' Wesley smacked the offending leg promptly with the newspaper, a scandalized expression befalling Severus. 

"That's assault!" He cried angrily, shifting away.

"Don't be ridiculous Severus. I hope you don't talk to your teachers like this." 

Severus mimicked him as he spoke, rolling his eyes and putting on a pained expression, as if he'd just been asked to partner up with James Potter or the like.

"No I don't, they don't **bore** me. **You do, not that, that takes much."**

"That it, not that that. And mind your manners."

"Yes sir." Severus replied resignedly, able to clear his tone of sarcasm, but not his face of the utter resent. He was seventeen; he didn't need to be told what to do, like a three year old. He was not a child; he was an adult, just like Wesley.  This was patronizing.

Wesley only caught glimpses of the contempt in Severus's expression though, marvelling at the audacity of Severus, to be so disrespectful to him, especially since he virtually raised him from where Angele and Edward left the game so to speak, no more than 8 years ago. He'd like to think Severus was turning out the way he was because of what happened, and probably thought that's what Severus would like to think too. But he was sure that wasn't it. What was the boy thinking, getting engaged?

"I'm not quite sure what you think you are doing Severus, but you are too young to get married. I don't know whether this is you just wanting to play Mummys and Daddys-"

"-Wesley, don't be sick-"

"Or whether you really love this girl, but you are too young. Why are you in such a rush? You are only seventeen, what is it that you want boy? A child by eighteen? life wasted by nineteen? –"

"Don't be dramatic I-"

"What about a career? Aren't you going to study beyond this? Well I don't suppose you will be able to if you have a wife and child, - "

"-I never said we were planning on having a kid-"

"Stop interrupting me Severus."

Severus gaped incredulously, offended that he wasn't being given a chance to defend himself. Wesley crossed his arms, pausing while Madam Pomfrey bustled past.

"Also the Matron tells me you've contracted some fatal illness, one that isn't commonly found in Europe anymore; tell me Severus, how in the name of Merlin did you manage that? Also she tells me despite her efforts you ignore your treatment and are becoming progressively worse. It makes me wonder what you do, do."

Severus opened his mouth, but it swung shut again.

"Wait a minute, how come you can have a do do, and I can't have a that that?!"

"Don't be cheeky with me, Severus." Wesley scolded, "While I'm at it I might ask you to keep out of your parents' accounts' please. That privilege hasn't been bestowed upon you yet, the money isn't yours to squander right this moment."

Severus made a face, mimicking him again, until Wesley thrust the newspaper at him brusquely, dropping it. Severus leered at him, obviously showing no respect for his authority, though not understanding the gesture. 

"If your health continues to deteriorate you will be withdrawn from Hogwarts, and that is a threat. I am a busy man-"

"Sure," Severus muttered doubtfully under his breath.

"- So I will leave you to your devices. Be warned."

Severus made faces at Wesley's turned and retreating back, until he was out of sight.

"The potion, Severus." Madam Pomfrey reminded him, beetling through again under a heap of sheets. 

He glanced over at a bottle of purple liquid on a side table, and groaned, collapsing back on the bed in exasperation.  

Severus stared distractedly out of the nearest window of the library, watching the dust float through the rays of glittering sun, gathering the right wording for his sentence meant for an essay on juice extraction from insulting cactuses, and methods on catching them. _Their main methods … No that's in the title.. Their main means of transportation… Well its not really transport now is it… Their main means of moving.. Doesn't sound right..._

Severus frowned and shot a menacing glance at a textbook, in suggestion that it should feed him the paragraph starter. The most helpful thing so far had been his disjointed thoughts that were floating over there in the sunlight, being no help whatsoever really. 

So while his best ideas were getting a suntan Severus revised the previous paragraphs.

_The Cardoon__ Offenses (Cynara cardunculus), or as it is more commonly acknowledged, Insulting Cactus, is best known for its defensive and offensive distractive techniques and remarkable speed. The properties and characteristics of the Insulting Cactus are much like the non-magical variant of the plant, and share the common structure with it. Cactuses are generally known as succulents and can be recognized by the following criteria._

There was a large gap where Severus intended to quill in the long list of criteria for both, non magical and magical cactuses, but simply didn't feel like it. He'd leave that until last, like he was going to leave the diagram of the Insulting Cactus till last. Hell, just leave the whole essay until last, he thought, folding his arms on the desk and resting his head on them. He squinted at something carved into a wooden bookshelf that he had noticed in his peripheral view, when the whole sentence caught up with him and willed itself into his quill. He sat upright quickly before the whole entire idea decided to go back to sun baking, and began to scrawl onto the now creased parchment in front of him.

_The Insulting Cactus's key methods of travel are unique to its surroundings, more regularly however makeshift legs are sprouted from Areoles at the base of the Cactus, giving it the ability and strength to dislodge its roots from the sand or soil, and move as do bipeds. The energy for this process is gained from an advanced system of '__CAM__' (Crassulacean Acid Metabolism) photosynthesis, a procedure also unique to Insulting Cactus._

Severus smirked in victory at the almost covered parchment, dipping his quill in the nearby bottle of navy ink, to continue on with the words that were spewing forth out of his writing apparatus.

"Hello there." 

Having pulled herself up a chair and thrown her books over his things, none other than Lily Evans plonked herself down opposite him. Severus gawked, shoving her _'Livers of the world' _book aside, aggravated at the interruption of his now missing A+ sentence.

"No I don't mind at all, sit yourself down, it's not like was doing anything important anyway." He drawled, with much sarcasm. And every word of his derisive sentence fell upon deaf ears. Lily was already absorbed in flicking through a great big moth eaten book which was generating much dust and filth as she flipped the grimy yellow pages.

"How is your jaw, by the way?" She asked Severus, ignoring his quip and pointed looked, prompting him to rub his jaw, having brought attention to it.

"It's alright, no thanks to you."

"I'm sorry about that. But it's not like you didn't deserve it."

Severus nodded, waving the dust away from himself unenthusiastically.  He was quite happy to disregard the whole incident involving the slapping. And so was Lily apparently. 

After a moment Lily had found the page she wanted and had heaved the book off her lap onto the table, with a dusty thud, hiding the majority of the table under its great mass. Severus's textbook and half his essay disappeared underneath it too. Severus directed a sharp, even more pointed stare at the book.

"If you **don't** mind, I'm doing something." He snapped when she ignored even a glare, capable of burning a hole in the felonious object. 

Lily however remained ever cheerful, beaming down at the page she'd opened it to.

"Is that anyway to talk to your saviour?"  She asked lightly, pressing her lips together as she searched the decrepit page.

"Saviour?" He spat, "You're not a Saviour! You're an antagonist. And right now you are putting the submission of my Essay on the due date in serious danger."

Lily looked puzzled, leaning over to see what he was working on, previous to her ambush. 

"Oh!" She exclaimed, falling back into her chair. "You haven't done that yet?"

"Evidently." He replied deprecatingly, a tune that Lily reminded him off popping into his head. It was one of those annoyingly repetitive ones too, he thought rubbing his temples.

"I did that ages ago," She said, making over exaggerated hand movements, Severus frowning. "It took me ages too-"

"You're not helping Lily!" He interrupted, pushing the book off his Essay, before catching the title of the page. 

"Disease Cleansing Medicinal Potions…?" Severus made a face.

Lily fixed him with an impertinent smile. "Well if you aren't going to do anything about it, I will!" Severus looked uncertainly at the page from where he was, brow quirked.

"Well Matron, don't you think if there was something that would get rid of this damned thing, Madam Pomfrey would know about it?" Severus knew Lily was intelligent, even though she acted like her brain cell count was less than the number of players on a Quidditch team, but doubted she could come up with a cure Madam Pomfrey couldn't. Madam Pomfrey had no doubt studied Magical Medicine, whereas all Lily studied was James Potter. Which were, in Severus's opinion, two very different things. Medicine was about fixing a problem and James Potter was just a problem, that couldn't be fixed.  

"Well she wouldn't. It's just a theory, nothing more. But I thought I might be able to draw the theory from this book, and make some changes of my own y'know."

"I think that's clutching at straws Lily, I'm getting better anyway. And if I wasn't, who cares right?"

Lily huffed, it being her turn to raise an eyebrow. "Now you are just being stupid. You know that isn't true Severus." 

Severus muttered an inaudible reply, eyes straying to a bunch of Gryffindors who were eyeing the conspicuous pair curiously and probingly.

"Well fine. Have you talked to Morganna lately? I bet she'd care." Lily smiled at him, placidly and almost knowingly, even though he was scratching the wood of the desk, trying to look uninterested. 

After a few more minutes of silence Lily laughed softly. "Cat got your tongue over there Sev."

"Sev**erus**." He corrected through gritted teeth. "And I **hate **that expression..." 

"You went all aloof over there when I mentioned Morganna." She pointed out, barely suppressing the urge to smirk and look smug when Severus looked up, smothering a flash of alarm. She knew it! And if she didn't know any better and fear Severus's wrath unleashed she'd go and scream it from the castle's rooftops. He loved Morganna too!

And it had only taken a comment against Severus's endless self pity to find it out. 

Lily was purposely overlooking the little matter of Severus's engagement, and was giddy to no end, so much so she wanted to lean over and squeeze him until his eyes popped out. But then like a scared animal, he could lash out, ferociously, to save his skin, so she settled for beaming idiotically at him as she gathered up her books. 

"Yeah, you'd better leave or I'll be telling the Potions Master I left my Essay on the corner of the round table." He said, crossly bowing his head to the Essay, hand to his forehead so Lily wouldn't see his unhealthy complexion taking on an interesting shade of pink, foreign to him.  Severus glared at her back as she ambled over to Madam Pince's desk to check out the huge monstrosity and the various strange books on Livers he had noted. If she didn't seem to be such a push over Severus would truly fear her. No normal girl checks out no less than 4 books on Livers, but of course this was Hogwarts, blame it on the curriculum. Blame it on Dumbledore.

 __

_Common practice in the capture of the Insulting Cactus is to cast a light blocking charm on the plant while it is dormant so it hasn't the energy to uproot or defend itself. A law was passed in 1896 against the shooting of magical darts at Cactuses as it usually resulted in the death of the plant, a contributing factor to the number decline of 1890. It is also practical these days in handling the cactus to investigate the surroundings first to be aware of any other cactuses, as we cannot forget the lesson taught to us by Graig Hertle Of Engerdeen in 1962 when he attacked a Cactus after it named him 'Turd Burglar', a neighboring horde of Cactuses came to its defense and ravaged him, resulting in head wounds and loss of memory._

..I hate this, Severus thought, throwing his things together so he could escape the library, having drained the surroundings of every possible idea for his Essay.

"Severus!"

Severus closed his eyes wearily, listening as her soft footsteps came closer, not slowing in pace himself. 

"Severus?" Akira questioned coming to hurry alongside him, a hairpin in her teeth as she pulled her crimson hair back into a tight ponytail. Sighing quietly Severus opened his eyes and plastered a surprised expression on his face. 

"Akira, I didn't see you there." He said, indifferent smile fading, adding "Darling," For good measure. He wanted to avoid a run in with her at all costs today, and his seeming inability to be affectionate to her at the present time could cause friction, not the good sort either.

"Wne bee 'ooking for you." She said, taking the pin from her mouth and using it to secure stray bits of her hair back. Severus tried to smile, or whatever it was he was doing when he thought he was smiling, but it came out as a sort of grimace.

"What?"

"Nothing I just didn't hear what you said properly." He lied tactfully, "You were after chewing on a pin at the time." He pointed out jokingly. In the back of his mind he was bitterly thinking to himself how he should have taken the 2nd floor route down to the entrance hall instead of trying to take the most direct path.

Akira grinned up at him sheepishly, "I'm sorry Sev,-"

_Let it slip Severus, let it slip…_ He nodded understandingly 

"I just said we've been looking for you, and now I've found you!"  
"Evidently-"Severus seemed to be interested in the 'we' part of her statement. He frowned. "We? Who _we? Why?"_

"Just a couple of us Slytherin… we were bored. Is something the matter?"

"No nothing." Severus replied bluntly, surprising even Akira at how short he'd been with her. She bit her lip, looking dejected, clasping and unclasping her hands anxiously. Severus was making her feel very nervous suddenly.

"Should I leave you alone then because..."

"No, no, no." Severus came to a sudden halt, trying to gather some benevolence. "I'm just not having a good day and I've got this silly essay to do for Potions…"

"You haven't done that yet?"

"What did I- Yes I've done it, I just said that to humour you." 

"..Sorry."

"No, don't be sorry."

"Well anyway I just wanted to ask if you wanted to come with me and some people to the astronomy tower... or maybe you and I could go somewhere..?" 

Severus stared determinedly at stone wall behind Akira, ignoring her suggestive tone of voice and wicked grin, so he could keep his reply as dead-pan as possible.

"No, I have this essay to do, so I'll see you at dinner or afterwards... or something?"

Akira shrugged casually, "Yeah alright."  She leaned up at Severus and kissed him ardently, to which she only got a little response. And with no thanks or word further Severus broke away and began off again, even faster in pace this time.

The common room was completely deserted, which **didn't strike Severus as odd; it was after all the first of the snow. Personally he didn't like the cold much and chose the chair closest to the fire to settle into with a Gronlims Encyclopedia volume, a-d so he could look up cactuses. Blasted things, if he ever met one he'd out insult it then step on it. That is however of there wasn't a clan nearby. After reading about that Graig Hertle Severus wasn't so sure what to think of those sweet looking roses in the courtyard.**

Of course he didn't actually believe they could be a pack of bloodsucking wild roses, but he was sure it'd surface in a nightmare sometime, alongside Lily and her livers, and worse James Potter. 

Lily. Her reaction to his ignorance of her remark about Morganna had stirred something in him, a kind of fear. Though he couldn't put his finger on what exactly he was meant to be afraid of. 

The soft rhythmic and constant noise of the crackling fire in the background was comforting, as was the lulling warmth of the room. But it was empty, aside from himself. Really, if he thought about it, he was always alone. One was always alone, left to the mercy of their minds. Their thoughts, however light and happy or dark and twisted they were, they were ever constant. From his mind he couldn't shake the Dark Lord. Not ever. It wasn't like Akira didn't know, even if she did try and avoid touching his left arm. And when she did, she tried not to look into his face.  She understood so little about him, and seemed to want to know even less, and this was the woman he would take to be his bride.

Of course, that seemed a little demanding on her. He hardly knew her either, and he tried very hard, very constantly to forget she was related, by blood no less, to Sirius Black. Though it was an interesting contrast, the red headed Slytherin beauty Akira, against the black furred pug dog Gryffindor Sirius. Perhaps Sirius was adopted from the pound out of pity. Severus hadn't even though to ask her if she was actually pureblood. But then he thought about her very rarely these days. His time was usually spent pondering the executions of the mudbloods, and the power of Voldemort. Sometimes he looked over at Luicus, when he couldn't sleep, and wondered if the man behind it all was ever like him. Sleeping so peacefully and innocently. But then he knew Satan lurked beneath Lucius's skin somewhere, so he hardly associated him with innocence. 

_Columnar Singing cactuses, with leguminous trees, characterize the Sonoran Desert_

_Besides columnar singing cactuses, other major groups include Fire barrels, hedgehogs, pincushions, smoking chollas, and prickly pears_

Smoking? Severus snorted, knowing full well what the book was talking about, but decided to entertain himself with the image of a cactus with a smirk and sunglasses, cigarette butt shoved in one Areoles-hand.

****

**_COLUMNAR SINGING CACTUSES_**_: Have cylindrical stems, with ribs (see pleats) running from bottom to top, that are at least 10x taller than wid. Is only vocal active when flowering. Includes species in the genera Carnegiea (Saguaro), Lophocereus (Senita), Packycereus (Cardon), Stenocereus (Organpipe Cactus), and others) ._

Becoming of someone's approach Severus shut the book and slipped it onto a table beside the armchair. He didn't feel like fielding the 'Haven't you done that yet?' question once more. He supposed it was Akira again, god if she didn't know when to just leave him alone. 

"Severus?" 

**Not **Akira. Morganna.

Severus tried not to choke on his breath, the fear returning to his stomach again, though it was hardly anything to be scared about. Just because she was pleasant and had the decency to say hello as she passed through. Despite this 'fear' on the outside he could be perfectly unresponsive and apathetic, like he was to any other person god put on this earth for him to drawl at. There was certainly someone up there who was getting in at night and screwing with his brain, because it couldn't be possible for one person to put themselves in such a hopeless miserable position on ones own. He ignored what he thought was an acknowledgement, not a question. The volume it was spoken at really gave away that she had some sort of intention for a conversation, and her voice had held a hint of a cadence. The sort of cadence he hated to hear in music, wanting to physically find the music and push it along.

"Severus?"

So she wanted to talk. Perhaps if he made that gap even larger she wouldn't be able to bridge across.

"Yes Morganna?" He replied resignedly, trying to sound curt.

"I've got something to tell you."

He didn't feel much apart from cactuses was really important at that moment in time. He dragged his gaze away from the fire, wanting to back her away with his stare.

"Spit it out Morganna." He couldn't have sounded crankier if he tried.

But apparently, from what he could see, she was in some sort of distress, however small the amount at the given time, distress all the same. Or perhaps that wasn't the right word.

She was murmuring, so Severus had to lean forward a bit to catch what she was saying.

"I-I love you." 

What the in name of Satan and all his little Devils was she saying that for when he was engaged... Holy Merlin, he thought, gripping the arm of the chair. She couldn't **not know.**

"Morganna," He paused, he was risking sounding very stupid if he was telling her old news but Morganna had more sense then to tell an engaged man she loved him…

"I'm engaged." And then, as an afterthought,  "To Akira Black."

**Authors Notes:** 'Dele. Are you happy? I uploaded it now, just for you.

-le sigh-.

-crickets chirp- 

Anywho. I know there is more after the last line of this chapter. I know. I'm just seeing how I choose to document the events that follow. Its 4:29am, and I think I'm going to bed.  Everyone knows what happens after this is trust, apart from those who are new to this story, and said people should move themselves, **fast** to Adele Elisabeth's works. 

Even if she does write scarring character torture in forms of  **"**…bad kitty!Bad Kitty!"****

Squee. 


	20. A Confessions Consequence

**Disclaimer: _.._**_Yes, I'm Jk's male counterpart…-cough-_

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**Chapter 20 : A Confession's Consequence**

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A brief moments silence spiralled into an endless eternity of wonder and apprehension as Severus tensed his fingers against the leather of the chair he had been lounging in. Tension wrought his body, as he stared back at the small 6th year, Morganna. He waited anxiously for words to spill forth out of her mouth and assure him that she had already known, not that he felt he deserved any reassurance in this hopeless situation.

The eternity had sprawled over a matter of seconds and Severus backed up in his chair as tears began to glisten in Morganna's eyes. What was she crying for! Damnable! Just damnable! 

She appeared to him as a foolish little girl, as her foolish little tears began to spill over her cheeks, and he found himself warning the part of him, skilfully buried away, that was sure to give her sympathy. Her tears would win none of his compassion.

Seeing her cry challenged his own emotions, and stirred them intensely. He was only aware of his own heart as a despairing ache swelled beneath his chest, which rose and fell, trying to moderate his breathing.  His mind screamed ardent threats to himself not to succumb to the enchantment she wove and award her with any empathy, her tears alone would not earn it.

All the while the only expression he had presented her with was one of agitation and irritancy, for interrupting his studies with her talk of love and things related. The weakness in their sex, Severus thought momentarily, their stupid obsession with love and their habit of falling into it very easily. 

She was leaving, as though she had felt his hate for her tears emanate, desperate to hide them from him as they refused to be restrained.

Quickly Severus's fingers had curled underneath the massive encyclopaedia and he was heaving it off his lap so he could rise to his feet and pursue. If she believed she loved him, he was just going to have to prove her wrong. What a nasty shock she was in for, he thought nastily, when she discovered love was a destructive emotion and not the beautiful rosy one found in those trashy little novels that he knew she and Narcissa indulged themselves in.

Whatever she was playing at, she was playing dangerously with him.

He sprinted after her, until by the lake he was able to slow to a jog, as she had slowed in pace. If he had known her final destination this exhausting little chase needn't have taken place. This had to stop somewhere and he impatiently shot his hand out and grabbed her by the elbow. Before he could begin unleashing the thoughts that were pressing their way out of his mind she'd shaken him off and started off in the other direction. She had to make things difficult, he thought bitterly.

"Where are you going!" He demanded vehemently, as if it was his ultimate right to know her every move and thought. And there was the dangerous thing, now he knew he commanded her love. Such power over such a helpless trusting person struck excitement in his mind briefly as he watched the object of his thoughts.

She had her wand out and she was waving it at him. He didn't know whether to read it as threat or not, but the words that answered his demanding were not those of a curse.

"To pack!" She exclaimed, before his hand grasped her arm once more. Severus already knew his dark purpose as he pulled her back to him so they were no more than a foot apart. His empty glare fell upon her face, tear streaked and riled. 

"What do you mean to pack?" He asked softly, weaving a dangerous underlying threat into his tone, if she was indeed careful enough to pick it up. 

"I mean to pack." She replied, incensed. "I'm leaving, Severus. I thought I could just say it, and whatever you did wouldn't matter, and I could just get on with life, but I was wrong. I can't. I can't stay here, so close to you. I have to get away from you!"

_You silly little girl_.

Was her education here really worth throwing away over him? He wasn't that special, to have gained a place in her heart and yet... here she was. It would come to pass, as all things did, he reminded himself, and so he mustn't be stupid enough to believe she loved _him._ But then, he argued… _she _believed she loved him, for the moment, and how he might delight in playing with that._ How he could twist her innocent little heart, bestow upon her his pain. Presently consumed by anger Severus looked down into her upturned face fiercely as she tried once more to pull away, but his grip was becoming iron. Black met blue._

Severus heard himself murmur a vulgar exclamation under his breath softly before bringing his mouth down upon hers. His mind pained for a moment. He'd warned himself not to give her any sympathy, but then he promised himself this was not sympathy, this was cruelty. His heart lay silent.

When he released her mouth from his she was still staring up at him. If she had initially given him any response, he hadn't noticed, he didn't care. He preferred it that way, forcing the kiss upon her, taking it without permission. However now he'd taken one, one would not suffice. He was set to dominate her, to hurt her for daring to love him.

She didn't deserve it but she just happened to be the one to suffer from the eventual emerging of his anger that had accumulated over a long time. And now he was in a position where he could take revenge. He bent down and stroked his lips over her again, gentler now as his thoughts began to settle sensibly. Free to take a little control the obsession he had with Morganna, not for what he could do to her, but for the person she was flowed through his body and refreshed the terrain his destructive mind had littered. Then he remembered reality, and the person of reputation and responsibility he had been, not the hungry Death Eater he was becoming. Now he was able to pull himself into check, pushing away from her, eyes wide. Possible consequences of their tryst playing out before him, Severus whirled on his booted heel and made for the castle. He was being as errant as she now, and had therein turned the table, their little games becoming his to lay claim to. He had no doubt that he was going to receive all the blame for this, not that he believed the blame should fall anywhere else. Selfishly though, he was going to take comfort from her, that someone had at some stage loved him, as he was.

"What are you doing?" Morganna questioned after him quietly.

"I'm going to confess to Akira, and hope to god she forgives me," _Before someone else lets her know... He replied, not bothering to turn to address her._

A soft sad little laugh sounded behind him, "You bastard."

Severus movements halted suddenly, feet freezing where they were. After moment he pivoted where he was, around to face her. "What did you say?" He rumbled in his deep baritone threateningly.

"I said, Severus, you bastard. And you are, believe me. How dare you? You kiss me, just playing with my poor little heart? Build it up so you can smash it down even worse? How is that the act of a friend – and you did tell me you were my friend." Her voice was bitter and it rang out clearly. Severus began to feel regret build up in his stomach, and knot together. "Go away, Severus. Go back to your little fiancée, if she's wise, she'll kick you out on your arse, but if she loves you half as much as I do, she won't."

She walked towards him, but then past him. Severus couldn't deny that her statement held nothing but truth, but it couldn't be left at just that.

"Morganna?" She was done with him evidently. "Morganna!"

Drawing a calming breath forcefully, Severus turned out the lake which was beginning to freeze over as Christmas continued to approach. How could something so peaceful and serene have hosted such a tremulous scene? The foolish foolish girl, Severus thought absently holding his arms at the elbow. The darkness and hate wrapped itself up into a tight ball inside and squeezed at his heart, reminding him of who he was. A bastard, no more worthy to live than your average vermin ridden animal… he almost laughed. But it was so true, so true.

He thought the stories that were passed around about him and Lucius were enough to ward her away from friendship, ward everyone away for that matter. Why didn't she just listen to rumours, believe them like a good little girl and stay the hell away.

He feared that her revelations might be misread by him at some point, and he might desire to use her as he pleased. He considered her his to take, even if their little encounter had changed her heart and mind, he'd already branded her with his kiss. 

He'd kissed plenty of other Slytherin girls, most of them he'd never bothered to remember, but he hadn't desired to possess any of them any time afterwards.

This was clearly why it was so dangerous.

Yes, he couldn't leave it at that. Akira passed out of his mind again and he began back to the castle to convey this to Morganna. She couldn't leave just yet…

His footfalls were heavy and constant as he crunched over the gravel onto a walkway. But his weren't the only.

Lucius was approaching at his usual confident pace, sauntering along as if he owned the castle and all the people in it. Didn't matter if the statement wasn't true for the moment, it would be one day. The smaller boy sauntered alongside Severus in silence, oozing smugness into the surrounding atmosphere. 

"Severus," He acknowledged finally, a small, wicked smile playing onto his pale lips.

"Lucius," Severus replied evenly, running through a carefully composed list of ways to excuse himself. He didn't feel he really wanted Lucius to accompany him to Morganna. 

Though, from Lucius's very presence, Severus absorbed more darkness to his being and gathered more ill will to Morganna, though despite this his quest was of course not to hurt Morganna physically not directly in any case. Could it really be his fault if she was naïve? Of course not. Then it wouldn't be his fault.

"Are you coming with me tonight?" Lucius asked, becoming excited by the prospect of the coming night, the iniquity spreading to his eyes. Raids and the like. 

Since their involvement they'd been out several times, been pulled up by Dumbledore, warned, skipped classes, overslept et cetera but then Severus's illness had hampered his movements about the place and the pair had seemed to settle. But with Severus's improvement the games had begun again. Severus also felt a spark of excitement hit his spine at the prospect, the activities requiring violence was an aphrodisiac to him. 

"No, I should think not." Severus replied finally, mind centring on Morganna. 

Lucius raised his chin hotly to study his friend incredulously, 'Why not' ready to slip from his slithery mouth, and then he captured the matching impiety in Severus's expression. 

"Other plans have we?" Lucius inquired mimicking Severus's always soft and velvety tone.

A smirk curved the left side of Severus's mouth upwards a little ways, "It would seem that way," He rejoined, in the same but more natural tone of his silky voice.

"And what- So sorry, I've just seen a mudblood I must I attend to." As they stepped into the entrance hall they were presented with the image of Lily Evans skittering through into the Great hall. Lucius ignored Severus's small barely audible disapproving sigh, as he followed in his irritatingly self-assured meander. Severus knew the moment he'd turned down Lucius's offer, Lucius had lost complete interest in him, thankfully.

However this did leave Severus to his own devices. Quickly he fled from the hall before another distraction presented itself.  

Severus found himself at the door of Morganna's dormitory in a number of minutes, totally disregarding the fact that he was in the girls' area and what would be done if he was caught by a Professor.  Professors were particularly easy to fool though, when it came to the student's little escapades and jaunts they were extremely blind. He could do whatever he liked concerning Morganna now, as far as he was concerned, and he did, opening her door without a considerate knock or permission.  He couldn't be sure she was going to be there, but he did indeed find her. She was sobbing, but still moving actively moving about her room. Her insufferable tears struck guilt in him, but the darkness within discarded the emotion and brought him back around to his primary reason for seeking her out. He glanced briefly around the chaos that was her room now, the suitcase, and the items flung in it carelessly. _Stupid stupid little girl! Does she think she can go now...? I think not. He felt anger rise within him, nobody could have out on a situation when it didn't suit them!_

"You can't go! Not just because of this!" He shouted at her, moving to reverse the efforts of her packing.

"Just because of this? God, Severus, you are blind. I can't take it anymore. I am leaving, end of story, end of discussion." He backed away from her packing when she began shaking a finger at him. "It's not fair. You think I should stay here, keep on being your friend? You're not worthy of that, your little performance out there just proves it."

The same little spirit inside him made an effort at cleaning the trail of evil desire and thoughts of destruction within Severus and he began to remember the reality of the situation. This had not started out how he had intended it, and that was probably for best.

"You can get on with your life." He refused to believe that someone could be so weak that they couldn't move on over this, or that she actually loved him that much.

'What in the hell do you think I'm trying to do? I am trying to get on with my life. Away from you! How am I supposed to "get on with it" with you right here?'

Severus began to pluck out of the air the right words to compose his next retort, but he was promptly interrupted by Morganna's infernal owl Gom, carrying something of some importance to her. To her, his presence seemed to sink into the background as the reply from her father dominated and commanded her attention. 

As she sunk onto her bed, a new wave of sobs escaping her slender body, Severus was moving to retrieve the letter and read it himself. She'd asked to leave, and her father had refused her. Severus felt triumphant. Good, she couldn't escape this then. If he couldn't, neither could she.

She didn't have the right to up and leave, not by a long shot in his opinion. 

"He's not letting you go," Severus remarked, when done with the letter. He didn't intend to sound pleased with her misfortune, but he did.

"Get out of my sight," She ordered heatedly, and for once he obeyed a command from a considerable lesser and retreated, leaving her to her solitude. No, he amended in his head, she still had that irritating pest of a bird who no doubt disliked him and probably liked him even less now.

Severus slunk down to the common room, deflated, where he found his sinful partner in crime reclining leisurely on one of the great leather couches, looking very self important. he quirked a brow questioningly when Severus oozed on over from the girls' dormitories, and flopped onto the couch opposite. 

Severus draped a leg languidly over the arm of the sofa and placed his head in his right palm indolently, considering his grey eyed friend. "On second thought I think I'll come on that raid,"

Lucius grinned sneeringly in pleasure.

  
**Author's Notes: ** So now we are getting into the actual events. That was exceptionally hard, but enjoyable to write. So yes the Death Eater junk is having a effect on him for the worse, and no he was no being particularly romantic when he kissed Morganna.

Severus, while previously a lot calmer develops darker intentions for everyone, which probably won't settle down until he is much older. But some kindness and benevolence lives on somewhere. We need some reason to dislike him... he wasn't exactly the victim of the story.

 The above is Retold from Severus's point of view.


	21. The Calm Before The Storm

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I do not own Morganna Montaque or anything Harry Potter related. Wh00t._

I have been neglecting this story completely, I'm aware. This is the first chapter I've written since the fifth book came out, but I'm not going to make changes to my story. I'm aware Lucius Malfoy is 6 years older than the marauders and Snape, I'm also aware its not possible for Sirius to have a sister blah blah. Okay?

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**Chapter 21-  The Calm before The Storm**

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A large group of Slytherin cruised into the entrance hall and were met with a large bunch of Gryffindors. Both groups eyed each other with varying expressions, the Slytherins generally sporting a malicious sneer and the Gryffindors a look of complete disinterest. Severus made sure to issue Potter a particularly contemptuous look before he disappeared down the staircase to the dungeons. Lessons had concluded for the day and consequently for the week on this Friday afternoon. Severus hadn't sighted Morganna since the previous night's events, and he had no intention whatsoever to change that. He also hadn't sighted Akira since he had brushed her off that same evening. 

Neither girl was really on his priorities list at that point in time. He however couldn't believe that he'd kissed Morganna and restrained it to simply a kiss. The darker, less reverent side of him was completely fuming he hadn't forced her into sleeping with him and then on the other hand he couldn't believe he'd made such a big screw up of the whole thing in the first place. After their little episode, Severus didn't particularly want to leave Hogwarts without deflowering Morganna Montaque, or at least doing something to that tune to her. She deserved his mark on her, even if he had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with 'Anna'. But then, he did want to be in a relationship with little Ms Montaque, and perhaps not dear Akira. There was definitely more chemistry there, even if Morganna was kind and loving and Severus was a complete scoundrel.

Severus studied the ground beneath him as he walked the dungeon corridors, listening vaguely to the conversation buzzing around him. The topic was Hufflepuffs on brooms, and some Slytherin was telling an amusing antic dote about a Hufflepuff training session he'd witnessed. He looked up only to direct a faintly amused look at Avery who was snorting with laughter when he realised they were at the common room entrance. Mulciber gasped out the password in between fits of mirth and the group poured into the already occupied room. 

"Oi you, get off the chair you grubby kid,"

The common room was already in the usual weekend chaos, with the exception of a few fifth years who were studying fervently for the OWLS.  Akira was grumpily shooing some rowdy first year, who was climbing all over the back of sofa she was sitting in, as she pulled her shoes on irritably. The kid rudely ignored her and continued to pull himself up onto the back of the chair, whacking Akira in the back with flailing arms and legs. 

Severus gave the kid a rough push on Akira's behalf as she struggled off the sofa, sighing pointedly in exasperation. 

"Merlin I detest first years," She exclaimed loudly so that every first year present was aware of her eminent dislike for the juniors. Severus eyed the offending dishevelled first year as he crept away timidly and broke into a run for his dorm, followed by a flock of taunting peers. He snorted softly and glanced at Akira who had fixed him with a plainly irritated look, and was tapping a booted foot. If it weren't for the fact she was standing on an odd angle and holding the other boot out to him, the situation could have been very serious.

"Put this on for me." She ordered imperiously, shoving the boot into his chest. Severus raised an eyebrow coldly and examined the boot. "Do it, Severus."

With a jolt of anger Severus realised what could have brought on her foul mood with him and he directed her to a table nearby, aware of her scornful looks. 

"If you're going to continue to look at me like that," He sneered, pushing her down onto the table and kneeling, "I wouldn't have asked me to put your boot on." Severus looked up from her foot, clad in a sock, to her face and met her unfriendly smile. 

"Doesn't matter, I'm used to you being rough with me-" Her words dissolved into a cry of surprise as Severus shoved the item on her foot forcefully. He mirrored her nasty smile and began to do up the laces at his leisure. 

Akira Black was indeed used to being treated to rough unaffectionate gestures from Severus Snape. Most of it was usually preceded by deceptively and seductively soothing gestures, to her upmost irritation. Severus was however very good at evoking need in Akira, the primary reason why she would never stop Severus doing whatever he pleased.

She bit her lip and watched as Severus pulled the laces tightly, "I heard you were kissing some girl," That earned her another sharp tug of the laces, adding to the pressure around her foot. She valiantly tried to ignore it as Severus shrugged lazily.

"Some girl?" He inquired casually, raising his eyes to Akira's, which were brimming with tears of pain. "Some nameless faceless girl? I deny."

Akira noticed with some alarm, Severus had done no tying of her laces at all, he just had the black ties twisted around his fingers so he could pull on then without too much effort. 

"That stupid 6th year!" She cried angrily as he made an inquiring pull on the strings.

Satisfied with her answer, Severus released the ties and did them up properly. "Yes I did that,"

Severus had planned to confess his doings to Akira before she found out some other way, but that would indicate he cared what she thought about it, or actually cared at all. However it seemed this was playing out better.

"Bastard," 

"Yes a lot of people seem to think that,"

Akira promptly aimed a kick into Severus's chest, to which his response was lightening fast. 

"Want to be able to walk properly?" Severus inquired softly and feigned a polite and curious voice, twisting her ankle on to an unnatural angle. Akira clamped down on her lower lip tightly and refused Severus the satisfaction of defeat twice but after a moment Severus was once against twisting and she let out a small cry of protest.

"That is what I thought, don't do that again."

Akira glared through angry tears at her fiancé, even in her relief as he released her ankle gently, thinking it probably would have been best if she hadn't challenged him on the matter. She watched as Severus stood up and straightened out, but looked away as Severus leant over to kiss her. His kiss was coaxing and persuasive, and probably a warning not to stay angry with him too. She sighed and submitted to Severus.

"Where are you going that requires your chosen footwear?" He asked idly, patting one of the thighs that sat either side of him as he stood in front of her. It seemed to be the distraction required to get Akira's mind off Severus's apparent cheating, as she balled her fists angrily recalling where she had to go. 

"I have to go to herbrology with all those stupid Gryffindor bitches to do extra work, just because their plants died." She waved her arms about animatedly and punctuated her sentence with other such expletives. Severus raised both eyebrows, more concerned with her thighs than anything she was actually saying.

"Did you kill their plants?" He asked absently working his fingers under her skirt, his mind dredging up images of Morganna when they were most unwelcome.

Akira issued him with an indignant look, "Of course we did!" She snorted softly, "Got in trouble though. We poisoned them in our lesson, but some Ravenclaw son of a bitch saw us." 

"Did you give them hell?"

"We will," Akira murmured, Severus's wandering fingers distracting her to the point of incoherency and she began to totally forget this was usually the lead up to less gentle treatment, but Severus stopped very abruptly and pulled her off the table.

"There you go," He tilted his head and looked down at her boot, "Enjoy."

She growled at Severus's retreating figure and stomped childishly. She knew Severus had done that on purpose, damn that sneaky bastard! Not only had he somehow gotten away with sleazing about with some 6th year slut he'd managed to evoke need in her once more. Those Gryffindor girls were going to pay on behalf of her Fiancée.

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Severus himself stepped into his large dormitory a few hours later and found two occupants seated on the floor in the space between their beds drinking something. Aeolus and Evan were having the explicit version of a 'deep and meaningful'. Severus didn't particularly want in but instead fixed his energy firmly on cleaning up his area of the dorm. The two hadn't acknowledged Severus and continued to converse softly between themselves, and Severus didn't bother interrupting them. 

"Y'know.. like this is some big preamble to some big struggle… shoo shouldn't we be just living.. that is what I'm saying.."

Severus could see Aeolus's profile in the dim light from the lit candles on their nightstands, and he seemed to be struggling to get out with whatever he was saying, which hardly made any sense, but Evan was nodding ardently in agreement with Aeolus. Severus found Aeolus's expression alarmingly saddening, but he only looked for a couple of moments before gathering his books up off his bed and dumping them on the floor to straighten up his quilt.

When Aeolus De Salis was reduced to drinking, the apocalypse was coming and no one would survive. 

Severus wasn't particularly comforted by the fact that the strongest person he knew was drinking out of misery, but then Severus reasoned, he had no reason to be unnerved in regards to himself. He'd just controlled what could have transpired to be an extremely messy situation perfectly. If only he had of been able to practise this on Morganna beforehand things would be a lot less complicated. If Morganna hadn't have said a word to Severus- then things wouldn't be complicated at all. No, if he thought about it, if the 7th years hadn't been assigned that bloody essay on the insulting cactus he would have been somewhere aside from the common room and Morganna would have never found him. 

Severus shoved a small box of potions underneath his bed with his foot as he broke off that train of thought to flick the radio on. He turned down the volume so it played very softly on his side of the room and he continued to pick through his own mess that had built up throughout the week.

He wouldn't pretend he hadn't been thinking about Morganna when he was touching Akira, and he wouldn't pretend to Akira that he regretted kissing Morganna. In sense he did, only because it convoluted things, but otherwise he wouldn't have had it any other way. It had taken him a whole 2 hours of solid study to calm down and he still wasn't sufficiently distracted. He scrunched up a handout that was irrelevant to his work now and tossed it to the bin that promptly swallowed the wad of paper up and made an appreciative sound. The radio was churning out some garbage about Quidditch stores as Severus rifled through his nightstand drawer, looking for some string to tie around a scroll of transfiguration notes. He hauled his journal out and threw it on his bed so as to not forget it later, then produced with a note of triumph a piece of string. Lucius had borrowed his notes and taken the string for a mock hanging of Nelson Labree's mouse Severus remembered with a touch of annoyance as he tied the scroll up and put it away.

Speaking of pet torture. 

Below, a shouting drifted up the stairs, "SEVERUS, COME SEE!"

Severus begrudgingly tidied everything back into place and shoved his journal under his pillow before dragging himself down into the common room. When he entered the common room everyone had their eyes trained on the ceiling, bunched in a circle around Mulciber. On the ceiling trotted Rosalinda Hedley's pet lizard, walking a perfect square. 

 "He is doing Imperius," Tomii explained boredly behind Severus, "Thinks he is just too good," 

Severus shook his head in mild disagreement, "Imperius is a hard thing to do," Severus, personally, was impressed with this. He knew Mulciber had been working on it for a terribly long time, but to see him controlling a lizard like that was an entirely different thing altogether. It was like speaking Parseltongue.

Severus wondered what the Dark Lord would think about that- "Hey, it's time for dinner," Severus's musings were interrupted by Tomii's announcement as she pulled up her sleeve to study her watch. A group mumbled its mutual agreement to head up to dinner and filed out after being attached to by Tomii.

Severus looked back over to where Mulciber was being attacked by Rosalinda who was absolutely howling with anger. Severus was mildly disturbed by the stream of obscenities that were leaving Rosalinda's mouth and her rather graphic description of what she was going to do to Mulciber's dead body. Malfoy was howling too, but with undignified laughter, Severus noted as he regarded the blonde heap on the leather sofa. Severus however allowed himself a rather nasty smile, recalling Ms Hedley was not a young woman to be crossed. And to Severus's credit he was right. 

The moment Severus turned away Rosalinda had landed her knee into her antagonist's particularly private and sensitive area, causing him to be the third to join to the howling that filled the Slytherin Common. Just an ordinary Friday evening Severus thought as Akira approached him from her dorm, wearing her Slytherin shirt, school skirt and not much else aside from those attractive boots she had set off in.

"I hate the Gryffindors." She supplied before stomping past him and out of the common room.

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"Don't do that Severus,"

"Your skirt is too high,"

"Doesn't matter, leave it,"

"No, it's too high." Akira waved Severus away from the back of her skirt and tried to pick up pace, however she found herself slapping his hand away again. Severus had been trying to pull her skirt down so that it came below at least her mid thighs all the way to the Great Hall and it was becoming tiresome.

"Severus, stop it, I have to use my old skirt, I have dirt all over my other one." 

Severus tugged sharply on the back of her skirt, grabbing the folds of the pleats and pulling.

"Ow!"

"Well it's too small, why didn't you wear robes over your uniform."

Akira fell in pace so Severus walked a step ahead of her and scowled dirtily, "Because I'm hot and my robes are sweaty and filthy. What is your problem?"

"Oh, I just don't want the whole school looking up my _Fiancee's **skirt thanks very much," Severus snapped nastily without bothering to look at Akira. **_

"Yes well I don't want my _Fiance_ putting his hands up other girls **skirts** but we can't have everything can we?" They stopped before the doors to the Great Hall and faced each other; Severus's eyes narrowing into slits, so that all that could be seen were the black of his irises.

"I don't think it's your business where I put my hands," Severus informed her conceitedly, voice lowered to a soft growl.

"Then who looks up my skirt isn't yours either," Akira responded as equally as haughtily, trying to pull herself up to his height.

Severus narrowed his eyes. "I think it is,"

"What? So I have to answer to you, but not vice versa."

"Precisely,"

Akira rolled her eyes and turned away, moving through the door to the Great Hall, "Go to hell, Severus,"

"Go on, give everyone a nice flash Akira," He yelled after her in defeat before slouching in to apologise before she told the whole table he'd called her a harlot and shamed her in front of a bunch or Gryffindors or before her group misconstrued the whole thing and bothered the hell out of him.

Morganna was sitting up the other end of the table; Severus observed slipping into his place across from Akira, where they usually sat with that group. She was sitting closer to the teacher's table today, he noted absently along with her despondent expression as one of her inane little friends piled food onto her plate for her. Morganna made a half hearted effort to return the food to where it came from but when it came back in double the quantity she soon gave up. She raised her eyes to her friends inattentively and listened as they exchanged ideas of what they should put on Morganna's plate next. She sighed inwardly, took up her fork and began to push the food around her plate. If it hadn't been bad enough they'd dragged her out of her dorm for dinner they were drawing the last thing she particularly wanted right from the Slytherin table right now; Attention.

Morganna glanced up, and had she done so a moment later she would have missed Severus staring down the table at her. She blinked and turned her eyes on a dish of apple sauce and let a sudden little angry sigh.

Severus trained his stare on Akira who was explaining how poor Carlene Southward of Gryffindor was, and how her school robes were dyed bathrobes. Severus let her words flow in one ear and out the other, mainly because he didn't know Carlene and didn't particularly want the pleasure of being acquainted with her. He was amusing himself with picking the fat of the chicken he'd pulled from the platter after being difficult and purposely pernickety. Severus realised, pulling the skin off the greasy chicken leg, that Morganna was actually now off-limits. He'd put that restraint there all the other times, but it was never really true, it was just his cowardice. Now, he told himself as he looked back over to Morganna's end of the table, she was beyond him. At Morganna's end however a seventh year boy he recognised vaguely had capture the attention of Morganna's friends and the constant red haired visitor Lily Evans was attempting to coax Morganna away from the table.

Severus let out a derisive snort and continued on with cleaning his food off, attracting Akira's attention and leading her eyes down the same path he had been looking. 

She looked sharply back at Severus who had deemed the chicken edible, and sneered. "So that's the Veela girl is it?" 

--

The clouds moved over head at a slow dreamy pace in light intricate swirls over the brilliant blue sky, painting pictures for the children playing out in the cold Saturday weather.

"It's stopped snowing." Lucius observed as he stepped out into the cold breeze, flanked by his girlfriend, Severus and his fiancée and over various people of some vague importance to Lucius.

Severus surveyed the blanket of snow that covered the ground as he pulled his gloves on, "Indeed it has."

"Isn't winter nice Severus? I think we should get married in Winter." 

Severus turned his head to curl his lip at Akira who merely rolled her eyes but caught sight of Morganna's slender figure, decked out in the Slytherin colours, strolling beside that tall boy Severus had seen at dinner the previous day. He nudged Narcissa urgently and she turned her head and let an irritable "What?!"

"Who is that with Morganna?" Akira was watching too, and snorted once Morganna was mentioned.

"That is Jonathan O'Connell," Narcissa answered boredly for Severus who was squinting to get a better look.

"What year is he in?"

"Our year," Akira offered.

"You know him?" Severus said, trying to keep his expression as impassive as possible.

Akira stretched and yawned lethargically, "Know of him." She shrugged.

"He is having some party at his parents place or something, I don't know." 

Severus pulled Akira against him possessively and watched the pair in the background stroll out of sight. Akira was only vaguely aware of Severus's fingers curling tightly into her skin. He may have looked calm on the outside, but it was always hard to tell what Severus Snape was thinking.

**Authors**** notes: Well, we're getting there. I would say, we are a little over halfway now. **

Possibly. Neshomeh has stuck her story back up on FF.net. Go read or face death. Its far better than mine and more detailed and thought out and everything. –promotion-, go read it.

Some of it was roleplay based, but then I just sat down and started writing so it mightn't be too accurate. Apologies to Adele if I haven't written her character properly and so forth. I mentioned up the top, no changes were made.

Also due to the fifth book this may be coming down sometime soon.


	22. Sorry

I'm sorry, this is as far as this story goes unfortunately.

A revisited version of this story will be completed however, in due time.


End file.
